by Cau Thanh Xuân, adopted from Vietnam to Belgium
I first started writing this song when I was fifteen years old. At the time, it came from a place of curiosity and inner emptiness. As the years passed, I added lyrics about sadness and the feeling of not knowing where I come from.
Years later, after my trip to Vietnam, I wrote again. I had gone there in search of my biological mother. Some journalists wrote an article about my story, but I never received an answer. Nothing, only silence.
After failing to find her, I continued writing, this time from a place of depression, anger, and deep frustration. My mental health deteriorated, and the weight of that journey caused pain around me. I hurt my adoptive mother and my father, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. His condition worsened after my trip because of the stress I caused.
I love my adoptive parents deeply, and the guilt of being in that state was overwhelming. My dad was my best friend. He passed away four months ago. Because of the disease, he couldn’t witness my growth over the past seven years.
Eventually, I reached a quieter place within myself. I found a measure of peace and realized that I had always been enough. I no longer needed external validation to exist or to move forward.
The past is the past. I believe my biological mother did what she felt was best at the time. My adoptive parents did the best they could. What matters most now is what I choose to do for myself.
I want to share this song on my birthday in December, in the year my father passed away. I want him to know that I am getting better every day, and that I am learning to become my own parent, thanks to all of my parents.
Resources
Intercountry adoptee musicians
Music inspired by my Bolivian origins