Victims of Illegal Intercountry Adoptions speak out at the UN

Adoptee presenters to the UN Committees and Special Rapporteurs

20 September 2023 is the first Year Anniversary of the publication of the UN’s Joint Statement on Illegal Intercountry adoptions.

I’m still buzzing with the incredible energy from the event and working collaboratively with our global community to present to the UN Committees and Rapporteurs as victims of illegal intercountry adoptions!

Our community is amazing when we can harness our power and work collectively!

It’s no small feat to overcome the individual traumas, in and ex-adoptee group politics, national and global politics, the power struggles and toxicity that can deter many individuals from stepping up to become an advocate whilst living the ongoing consequences of our illegal adoptions. But on 20 September we showed what can be achieved when we work together!

To watch the UN event again click here on this link.

To read ICAV’s collective paper that I presented in my 5 minute speech, presenting our lived experience and suggestions for how to move forward, click here.

The paper represents input from adoptive countries (9): Australia, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, France, Netherlands, Sweden, UK, USA; and birth countries (19): Chile, China, Colombia, Ethiopia, Guatemala, Greece, Haiti, Hong Kong, India, Indonesia, Kenya, Malaysia, Mali, Peru, South Korea, Sri Lanka, Uganda, Venezuela, Vietnam.

To read my speech and hear our top 4 priorities of action, click here.

To watch the incredible family voices of 3 countries of origin, see short 5 minute videos below which we played at the UN meeting.

Click on CC for subtitles in English

I’m so proud of the many who contributed and worked with ICAV to make the UN event the success that it is. Thank you for your trust in ICAV to represent your voice, to work with us to present, and to Voices Against Illegal Adoption (VAIA) for making this possible! May we one day see the end result of our efforts, which will still take no doubt years more work to achieve, but the momentum is growing as we push for the changes needed!

UN Committee members and Special Rapporteurs, France and Ukraine speakers, and Tamil mother

Resources

Is my adoption illegal or illicit? (an easy to read guide)

Voices Against Illegal Adoptions (VAIA) Speak at the United Nations

One adoptee’s thoughts on the UN Joint Statement on illegal intercountry adoptions

Let’s talk about illegal and illicit intercountry adoptions

Webinar: Lived experience of illegal and illicit adoption (hearing from the adoption triad)

Governments finally recognising illicit and illegal intercountry adoption practices

Lived experience suggestions for responses to illicit adoptions (first ICAV global collaborative paper for the Hague Working Group 2020)

Degrees of being trafficked in intercountry adoption

Beauty in Diversity

There IS beauty in diversity! It’s a universal truth that we don’t have to be white skinned and fair to be considered beautiful but for so many transracial and intercountry adoptees like me, we can often grow up feeling like we are not as beautiful, especially when raised in isolated areas or with few racial mirrors.

Growing up in rural Victoria, Australia was challenging for me as I was often the only person of colour except for some Aboriginals. I absorbed an unspoken assumption that white is best and hence I felt ugly and ashamed of my ethnicity because I was always surrounded by white peers in the community, on the media, and within my adoptive family. These feelings were enhanced by comments I received all the time of being saved and rescued by white people and culture and assumptions of how lucky I was.

My white adoptive family were never taught that we would grow up feeling different, they were naively told, “Love her like your own and everything will be ok”. So my Asianness was rarely acknowledged, my country barely spoken about except in negative ways, and Asian people were considered “foreigners” but yet when I questioned this, the answer would be, “Oh, but you’re not one of them!” My family certainly didn’t understand how to help me look after my long black straight hair, or my darker skin. I got picked on for my flat nose and slanted eyes. Is it little wonder I grew up hating how I looked? I know I’m not alone in my experience because when I speak with some black adoptees, they also mention the lack of understanding by their white families on how to look after their black skin and hair, how people want to touch their hair as if it’s exotic and how they are treated by strangers because of the hue of their skin.

As a young adolescent, looking in the mirror and having my photo taken was immensely challenging as it confronted me with my non-whiteness. I internalised the shame of how I was different and doubled with feelings of abandonment and rejection, it meant my feelings of inferiority as a person of colour, ran deep within and it took me many years to learn self love!

So from this perspective, I wanted to utilise the ICAFSS small grants funding to create an event in Sydney, Australia that would give some adoptees the opportunity to feel proud of who they are, as people of colour, as a diverse group who share the complexities of this journey that only other transracial and intercountry adoptees can relate to.

I created a day where 10 adoptees could come together, be taught how to apply makeup on our differently hued skin and varying shaped eyes, have our makeup be fully done for us, get a portrait photo taken, followed later by going out to celebrate over a sumptuous meal.

Check out our short video of our incredible day together! It was just beautiful to see the joy and pride these adoptees felt in connecting together, learning about how to take care of themselves, and enjoy being in space with people like themselves!

We need more occasions like this in our community to help bring us together and celebrate our diversity! Aren’t they just a gorgeous bunch!

Huge thanks to

Lisa Johnstone from Relationships Australia ICAFSS for taking time out of her day to spend helping me setup, clean up, and supporting us all
Linzi Ibrahim for sourcing and organising the professional make up artist – Shay Gittany and assistant Chris
Relationships Australia NSW for providing us free use of their office and facilities
Relationships Australia ICAFSS for the funding via the Small Grants program
Australian Federal Government DSS for making this possible via ICAFSS



Pride in my Disability

by Maddy Ullman, born in China and raised in the USA.

I wrote this on the last day of disability pride month (July).

I started disability pride month at a conference on a panel discussing the intersectionality of disability and adoption. The audience heard me and my truths saying things like:

  • If someone handed me a magic cure today, that would get rid of all my disabilities, I wouldn’t take it. I don’t know who I’d be without disability and there’s beauty in that.
  • Disability has taught me to be adaptive and resourceful. I have more empathy. More drive.
  • I am so proud to call myself disabled and I have cultivated a full life with it.

That is my truth.

It is not my only truth, though. In all honesty, I am exhausted. I am angry. This world is not made for anyone with disabilities in mind. Lately, I’ve been feeling the weight of my existence. Let me tell you more. It takes so much more every day to exist and function in society with any health condition. I work hard just to exist. The people around me have to do more if the environment isn’t accessible.

Disability is the one of the few marginalised groups anyone can be a part of, at any time in their life. 

For the first time, I brought my walker to a conference. It absolutely saved me. The walker is something I’ve had to struggle with my vanity to use. Even though it helps me out so much. My walker is a beautiful red colour, carries so much, and I walk better with it. Still, it’s a struggle to use what helps me so much. There is accessibility but it’s usually far and hard to find. Little things like doors make all the difference. Especially when the doors are heavy.

I love my walker. What does it say about society and accessibility when it actually takes more thought for me to use what helps me? This internal struggle is something I’m always at war with. One day, I aspire to use my walker every day with pride.

I have to remind myself every day. Yes it’s okay for me to take up space. I am worthy of that space. I have to give myself permission to be enough. I am always prepared to make that space if it doesn’t exist on its own. Spoiler alert, I often have to carve it out with my bare hands. Every time I step into a room, I have to set the standard. I have to be extraordinary.

With all that said, I am choosing to honor disability pride month by allowing myself to sit in the discomfort. I give myself permission to be enough and live well without guilt and matter what productivity the day may bring.

Friends, please remember your existence is enough and you are worthy of whatever space you may hold. ❤️

Resources

Navigating disability and rare medical conditions as an intercountry adoptee (webinar with Maddy Ullman)

Reunion and Beyond Webinar

On 30 July, I ran our Reunion and Beyond webinar, part 2 of this series in searching and reunion in intercountry adoption. I couldn’t be more proud of our 8 panelists who did an incredible job of sharing some of the nuances and complexities involved! Thank you to each of them!

Ae Ra (born in Sth Korea, raised in Belgium), Alex (born in Romania, raised in Germany and New Zealand), Jonas (born in Haiti, raised in Australia), Sam (born in the Philippines, raised in the Philippines and the USA), Maria (born in Greece, raised in the USA), Ben (born in Guatemala, raised in the USA), James (born in Colombia, raised in Australia), and Raya (born in Russia, raised in Canada).

For those who are time poor, I’ve provided a time code so you can flick to the relevant parts. For those who want a summary of our key messages, they are also included as a pdf.

Time code

00:00:00 Intro – Lynelle
00:01:32 Why this webinar
00:07:16 Introduction of panelists
00:07:22 Ae Ra
00:09:17 Jonas
00:10:33 Maria
00:11:25 Raya
00:13:10 Ben
00:15:42 Alex
00:16:52 Sam
00:20:40 James
00:23:05 Questions 
00:23:15 What do you recommend in preparation for reunion?
00:23:30 Maria
00:28:33 Ben
00:32:20 Raya
00:35:25 What challenges have you faced in reunion?
00:35:42 James
00:40:22 Jonas
00:43:19 Raya
00:45:48 Ae Ra
00:49:35 Tips for a media facilitated reunion
00:50:05 Alex
00:51:34 How to deal with differences in language and culture?
00:51:51 Ben
00:55:38 James
01:01:04 What role do I want for adoptive family in / after reunion?
01:01:26 Alex
01:03:10 Jonas
01:06:34 Ae Ra
01:09:47 How do I support myself in reunion?
01:09:53 Jonas
1:11:14 Maria
1:16:12 Sam 
1:21:19 How do we manage the financial requests?
1:21:42 Sam
1:23:58 Alex
1:26:12 Ben
1:29:30 What’s it been like to find answers to your questions?
1:29:41 James
1:31:58 Raya
1:34:39 Sam
1:36:52 What role should government and adoption agencies have in reunion?
1:37:12 Ben
1:39:18 Maria
1:42:49 Ae Ra
1:45:56 Closing remarks and thanks

Summary of Key Messages

Click here for the Summary of Key Messages

Resources

Part 1, Searching as adoptee experts in intercountry adoption

Summary of key themes from ICAVs 2016 Search and Reunion Perspective paper

Intercountry and transracial adoptee experiences of search and reunion

Roadmap to Reunion: a framework for a successful adoption reunion

International search and reunion: a conversation with Susan Cox

Complex family relationships in international adoption: Search, reunion and contact by Amanda Baden

Exploring the role of social media and technology in intercountry adoption reunions: considerations for social work practice

Ten things adoptees want their birth families to know about reunion

Adoption reunion: 5 things I have learned as an adoptee by Angela Barra

An adoption reunion roadmap (written by birth mother)

Preparing for search and reunion by C.A.S.E

Stages of reunion

What every adoptive parent should know about search and reunion

ISS Australia’s Review of their Intercountry Adoption Tracing and Reunification Service (ICATRS) 2016 – 2018 (provides lessons learnt and what the data demonstrated after 2 years of the service)

Huge thanks to the Australian Federal Government, DSS for providing Small Grants through Relationships Australia ICAFSS which allowed compensation to the panelists for their time and expertise.

Is adoption buying Children?

by Natalie Montanõ, adopted from Colombia to Norway

I’ll start with answering that question as I see it and I believe the answer is a yes. For many, their gut will probably twist and turn as they read this. Anger may arise because you can’t believe I could make such a statement, how rude!

To be clear, with this post I am not saying whether it’s right or wrong, I’m not having a moral or ethical debate. This is about calling a spade a spade and not a tool with a spoon-like end that can remove a variety of substances, often in larger portions at a time. I am aware that not everyone shares this view and that is also okay.

Although I am sure that intercountry adoption cost something in most countries, I am just making it clear that any adoption process-specific-things in this post, are in a Norwegian context, but the argument may apply elsewhere.

Oxford learners dictionary defines selling (to sell) as:

– to give something to somebody in exchange for money

– to offer something for people to buy

On the other hand, buying (to buy) is defined by:

– obtain in exchange for payment

– be a means of obtaining (something) through exchange or payment

Money is a key word here. After all, one can buy and sell (make transactions) without money being the source of payment. I would argue that we can say that to sell is an action where at least two parties are involved and the intention is to obtain a service, good or any specific object. Sometimes it is also to make a profit.

You might say, “Aha, you said it, a service. Adopters are not buying the child(ren) specifically, but a service. They are paying for the administrative things at the adoption agency and in the birth country.” Well let’s look at that statement.

First, we will look at some other situations. It’s the action of selling/buying I am making a point of in the following examples (so that people don’t think I compare humans to xyz).

– You post a photo on social media with the caption saying: “Yay, I just bought my first house/apartment”. I have never seen it written as, “Yay, I just bought the services for my house to be built”. Surely someone had to build the house you just bought, but in essence you are buying the house.

If you as the seller, use a realtor to help you with the matters at hand, you are paying for a realtor to help you sell the house. The selling of the house is the main goal here.

Now let’s say the building has yet to exist and you buy and empty property where you want to build a house. You need contractors. The main goal is still the actual house. One might say that from this starting point, the buying of the house is more indirect because the house is not there.

When I go to the grocery store and come home and someone asks me, “Oh what did you buy?” I might say, “I bought milk, bread and band aids”. I would not say, “I bought cows, I bought the machines at the bakery and the fabric used to make band aids”.

I suppose one could separate the act of direct and indirect sales. So in the context of a store, that would be an indirect sale as you are not buying the goods (eg. milk), directly from the farm(er) that owns the cows who produce the milk.

Now where do I want to go with this. Well, let me tell you:

Without money there is no intercountry adoption. You cannot adopt through one of Norway’s three agencies without paying. For there to be agencies to facilitate adoptions, there has to be someone to be adopted. Those someone are the children. Without children to adopt, there is no adoption. And of course, one would need adopters because those would be the ones paying the money and without adopters who pay, there would also be no adoptions.

The adoption equation: adopters + money + children = adoption

And then, add on the occasional illegal and illicit adoption, coercion and exploitation of vulnerable people in the birth countries, plus kidnapping and falsified documents.

I can see that it makes sense in a way to say that you are not buying the child but services to get the child. Yet, the child is the main goal of this. If there was no child there would be no payment. I would argue that intercountry adoption is a form of indirect sale of children.

If those who argue that intercountry adoption is not buying children, could you please picture this scenario:

Let’s say you go through the exact same process as one normally would when one is to internationally adopt. The agencies do the work they usually do. The only difference is that you pay at the end of the process. One day the agency calls you and tell you, “We have a child for you, come to the office (or wherever you need to go) please.” The child is there and the agency says, “Here is the child, now pay me 250 000 NOK before you and the child can leave this office”. I assume that this feels a bit more not okay for most people. I would say that in essence it is still the same, it is just more uncomfortable because it would be experienced as a more direct sale.

It appears that, generally speaking, some people’s unwillingness to at least consider adoption as a way of buying children, is due to adoption being considered an act of good intentions. Unwillingness to consider it buying of children is because the assumed outcome is that the child will come in to a new family with stability, love and a future with opportunities.

And let’s be honest, when people hear or see buying + children we find it horrible. Therefore, describing intercountry adoption as buying children doesn’t fit the narrative with adoption, nor does it fit with associations people make when it comes to buying children. To suggest that adoption is a way of buying children, one could argue that also implies that adoptive parents are fundamentally bad. This is because we usually think that people who buy children are not good people, right? I don’t think it has to mean that adopters fundamentally are bad people because they adopt. They might be adopting or not, but they don’t have to be.

I still argue that adoption is a way of buying children, to fulfil adoptive parents needs, who want to get a child(ren), more so than it being about the child’s best interests.

Many drugs/intoxicants are illegal due to the damage it causes, directly and indirectly to an individual and society at large. Alcohol is in many countries a legal and a very acceptable substance people consume. In fact, it is so common that some people who chose not to drink are being questioned (why don’t you drink) or are being pressured (have a drink). I was yelled at once for deciding that I didn’t want to drink alcohol at a planned event.

It is so common to drink, such a huge part of everyday life, that it appears many feel entitled to an explanation or that they assume there must be something deep and dark behind such a choice. I have personally never ever encountered a situation where someone is being asked, “Oh why do you drink?” Not even by those who don’t drink. If anything, a better question to ask is why someone chooses to drink. After all, alcohol as a substance does not do you much good.

According to a Norwegian organization Av og til, the use of alcohol in Norway costs society about 100 billion NOK a year. An estimated 77 billion NOK is directly related to loss of good health and quality of life and 24 billion NOK goes to sick leave from work and reduced capacity to work. I could go on and on. But what does this have to do with adoption?

Not much, not directly. The point I’m trying to make is that just because something is legal and/or considered normal, does not mean that it doesn’t come with its own implications. Just because it’s legal doesn’t necessarily make it all good or without questions to be asked. I would argue that intercountry adoption is a legalised way of (indirectly) buying children.

Even if intentions are as pure as fresh snow and the outcome for the adoptee after adoption is a bright life of love, stability and a variety of possibilities, the act of adoption can still be considered buying children. This means that even if people find it difficult to do so, several things can exist as true at the same time.

I also read in a Norwegian newspaper from a few years back that intercountry adoption gets more expensive because less people adopt. Hey, look at that, there is a market. A market of demand and supply and the prices adjust.

If we look at the fact my adoption is illegal on the Colombian side and irregular in parts of the Norwegian process, I conclude that if it weren’t for money, I would not be in Norway.

For adoptees, I am not saying you should feel bought and sold. I am also not saying your adoptive parents are bad. Perhaps you would be tempted to send me a message saying, “I am not bought and my parents are good people”.

Resources

A Privilege, Not a Right

What would my utopia of intercountry adoption Be?

South Korean adoptions: an economic analysis

Call me by my Name

by Ae Ra Van Geel, adopted from Sth Korea to Belgium

Thoughts after the adoption retreat July 2023

I was given a name,

from my grandma.

She called me ae ra

Last weekend for the 7th time, the annual summer retreat for adopted people took place in Zeist, Netherlands. 41 adoptees from different countries of origin (Mexico, Nepal, Bangladesh, Colombia, China, Sri Lanka, Indonesia, Thailand, Netherlands, India and South Korea) got to share, experience, grieve, laugh, dance, sing and heal a little bit through systemic trauma work led by Hilbrand Westra.

When I introduced myself at the beginning of the weekend, I said that I was born as Song, Ae Ra but by adoption I grew up as Renate Van Geel, that Ae Ra grew bigger, that I am and always was her, even though I was never called that.

I didn’t suspect then that 3 days later when driving home I would dare to follow the desire to be called Ae Ra, also in the ‘outside world’.

It means more Korea, more me but inevitably also less Belgium and less the other. My neighbourhood is losing another piece of who they always knew. I’m also paying a price again, this time to be able to become more myself. I give up, I lose. Renate is getting smaller.

In addition to that, there will also be peace, it doesn’t all have to be immediately.

I’ll just start at the beginning: my name is Ae Ra. After almost 39 years, call me by my own name.

Thanks to my colleagues from @adoptieoplingen, an honor and also a pleasure to form with you this weekend.

Finally, a deep bow to everyone who was there, thank you for your presence, inspiration and strength.

Resources

What’s In a Name?

What’s in a Name? Identity, Respect, Ownership? (a collation of thoughts by adoptees)

Adoptee presentation to New Zealand

On 26 June, a panel of 6 transracial and intercountry adoptees adoptees from the ICAV network presented to the New Zealand Oranga Tamariki Ministry for Children teams who work in adoption on a variety of questions.

Click below to watch our webinar:
(If you are using Google Chrome, click on “Learn More” to view the video)

Time Code

For those who are time poor, I have provided a time code so you can skip to the parts you want to hear:

00:18 Peter McGurk intro
00:41 in English
03:47 Lynelle welcome and introductions of panelists
05:22 Alex K
06:09 Alex G
7:25 Bev
08:58 Gabby
10:58 Mike
11:38 Importance of consulting with a wide range of generations impacted by adoption – Lynelle
13:00 What is ICAV
15:46 ICAVs Vision
16:32 ICAVs main achievements
18:49 ICAVs key achievements Australia
22:20 ICAVs current priorities
24:28 What are some of the distinct stages adoptees go through in our lifetime
33:52 The need for post adoption support services
34:11 Alex
37:46 Mike
40:22 Bev
42:07 Understanding racism
42:19 Mike 
46:15 Gabby
51:51 Search and reunion
52:14 Alex 
1:02:35 Key messages for workers in adoption
1:03:01 Alex
1:05:56 Gabby 
1:09:28 Bev
1:13:32 Main issues for Central Authorities to think about – Lynelle
1:22:34 Peter and close

Key Messages

For those who would like a Summary of Key Messages, click here for our pdf.

We thank Peter McGurck and the New Zealand Oranga Tamariki Ministry for Children for asking us to present to their adoption teams!

Resources

ICAVs resources on Search and Reunion

ICAVs resources on Racism

ICAVs Video Resource for Professionals (with subtitles in English, French, Spanish, Italian and Swedish)

ICAVs advocacy over the years

Reunification with my Colombian Family

by Anonymous, adopted from Colombia to Australia

I was born in Cali, Colombia in 1993 during the midst period of civil war, disruption, political instability known as ‘la Violencia’. This period saw the degradation and exploitation of state civil services through corruption, war and systematic racism, which in turn resulted in tremendous damage to the lives, human rights and cultural heritage of millions of Colombians, Afro-Colombian and Indigenous Colombians whom who were displaced from their tradition lands an often subject to violence and systematic oppression.  As a result of these circumstances and internal corruption within the adoption industry, I was separated from my biological mother and adopted to Australia at the age of one. I have a close but complex relationship my adoptive family.

Growing up, I loved to be outside and activate like most Aussie kids at the time and spent most of my time, fishing, kicking the footy around, and riding bikes around the neighbourhood with friends.

While I was always social and enjoyed making friends, I also struggled with bullying, racism, and the spectre of isolation/identity crisis/lack of racial mirrors that many of us adoptees experience.  I fondly remember finding refuge and solace in books, stories, myths, and legends, everything ranging from magical fantasies like Harry Potter and the Homer’s Iliad to biographies and the encyclopedia on the Fall of Rome.

I distinctly recall being in grade 1 and recall reading Harry Potter and afterward, daydreaming about an imaginary time when my biological family would appear in a fireplace one day, tell me I was a wizard and take me off to enrol at Hogwarts with the other Wizards.

As a child, although I recall some intense moments of isolation and loneliness, I also had a close relationship with my younger brother, immediate and extended family who always made me feel welcome and as part of the family. It is only as I entered by teenage and adult years that these relationships began to shift and change, not as a result of any ill intent but largely due to the development of my own awareness about my place in the world (or lack thereof) as a black Afro-Colombian/Afro-Australian and subsequent experiences with racism and micro-aggressions.

This tumultuous but unique start to life, in conjunction, with the lived experience of navigating the word though the lens of an Afro-Colombian/Afro-Australia male, has aided in the development of a nuanced but balanced understanding of cultural, adoption and racial politics of today’s multicultural Australia.

This lived experience, is further supplemented by an academic background in law, investigations, government, politics and international relations, the pursuit of which in retrospect and with the aid of therapy, was both my innate curiosity to learn more about the world, a desire to effect change, and my inner child seeking validation and identity through achievements.

It was during this period, that I spent a year studying and playing college basketball at Oxford Brookes University, United Kingdom. Not whole lot of studying was done and the academic transcript upon return was not great but I can honestly say this was one of the best years of my life. I say this, as it was the first time in my life where I was not the only person of colour but also the first time in 21 years that I was around racial mirrors and a large Afro British/West African community. I think, in only my second week, I joined both the African and Latin American societies and immediately felt welcomed and at home.

Fast forward to 2022 and that sample feeling of what it was like to belong, in conjunction with the covid pandemic and the BLM movement, I was motivated to start to take some concrete steps to look into my own background and search for my biological family in Colombia. I really started to ‘come out of the adoptee fog’ as we tend to call it.

I joined a number of extremely welcoming and supportive online adoptee support and re-unification groups and through one of these groups, I was fortunate to connect with an extremely kind and amazing Colombian adoptee who explained further the history of illicit adoptions in Colombia and how and what documents I would need to start my search.

I diligently followed the advice provided and unearthed the limited documents I had (a birth certificate, a few medical records, abandonment certificate and adoption paperwork) and wrote a short blurb about myself with some baby and current photos. I then posted to range of reunification groups both here and in Colombia.

I was sceptical that anything would come of it especially knowing the current social and political climate of Colombia both now and at the time of my birth. I had grieved and accepted that I would most likely never find my biological family or that that they would be deceased.

Despite those initial reservations, approximately 24 hours after I had posted the search, I woke up to hundreds of messages on Facebook from people all around Colombia (nurses, doctors, private investigators and ordinary people ) offering to help or sending pictures of profiles of people who fit the description based on the information I had provided.

One of the groups who reached out was Plan Angel (an adoptee led organisation that specialise in biological reunification in Colombia). They sent through Facebook the profile of a lady with the same name as the woman listed on my birth certificate. Funnily enough, this happened to be a profile I had come across in my own searches but had discounted it as the date of birth did not match my birth certificate.

Plan Angel explained they had been contacted ‘by a lady, who knew a lady, who use to baby sit children that looked like you’ and asked whether I ‘would like them to make further enquires to confirm’. With my heart in chest, I replied, ‘Of course!’ 8 or so hours later, Plan Angel called at 7am in the morning saying, ‘We have confirmed that it is your biological mother, would you like to arrange a time to speak to her’. I calmly replied yes, expecting that this  meeting would occur in few days, weeks or months but to my great surprise, the lady pressed a button and in a little box at the top of my cracked iphone and for the first time in 30 years, I saw the face of  my mother, this illusive woman  whose face and personality I had imagined since as long I could remembered; a woman and a queen who had generously carried me around for 9 months and made me 50% of who I am. I think in that moment, even if it was for a split second, I felt at peace and knew what it was to truly have a point of reference for identity and place in this world.

As soon as we saw each other, we burst out in tears because we knew.  Looking back, I can honestly say this was a call that changed my life, as  I went from not knowing my place in the world,  feeling culturally isolated  and from a close loving but small two  sibling family, to 25 minutes later being the 3rd oldest in a crazy Afro-Colombian family of 13 and finally understanding and having a sense of culturally finding home and place! Here, I was not only  accepted for who I was, but I was celebrated.

Since that day, life and process of navigating the reunion process has been one wild, humbling, joyous, sad, grief filled, soothing yet erratic adventure that has really felt like the screenplay to a classic Latin telenovela. It has an unpredictable mix of horror, happiness, scandal, secrecy, crime, horror, drama, pain, love and family all mixed together.

A big part of what made this journey possible and survivable, has been the ongoing support, guidance, mentoring, exchange of shared experiences, friendship, healing education and community offered/provided by Lynelle and other adoptees through ICAV, Plan Angel as well as the wider adoptee community. It is my hope, that by sharing my tale, I am able to pay it forward, raise awareness around the realities of adoption (the need for improved support services), hopefully provide guidance and a relatable perspective to other intercountry adoptees both in general and for those who are thinking about reunification.

Click here to RSVP to ICAVs upcoming webinar on Reunion and Beyond:

Resources

ICAVs webinar on Searching in Intercountry Adoption

Reunion and Beyond

As the second part of our ICAV Webinar series on Search and Reunion in Intercountry Adoption, on 29 July (Europe / USA timezone) / 30 July (Australia timezone) we will be presenting to you our next webinar, Reunion and Beyond.

Here’s an introduction to our amazing panelists:

Ervenotte Lassus-Harbord

Ervenotte is a 46 year old adoptee from Haiti sent to a French family in 1985. She currently works and lives in the UK, having built her own life with a husband and two children. She is a very creative person who loves art, music, languages, and travelling.

Ervenotte reunited with her Haitian family in 2010 and they are still in great connection regularly.

Alexander Kuch

Born in Romania, adopted to Germany and living most of his life in New Zealand, Alexander has been involved with I’m Adopted  in New Zealand as a Board Director since it was established in 2015. Within this role at I’m Adopted, he provides resources, raises topics, creates events and gives support for those in the adoptee community. He’s also been involved with ICAV partnering together in 2021 for the documentary screening and discussion of Reckoning with The Primal Wound held in Germany.

As a Romanian adoptee, communities like I’m Adopted and ICAV are important not just for adoptees who have been adopted internationally but adopted from everywhere. A highlight was sharing his adoption journey in a TEDx talk and co-presenting adoption research at ICAR6 with Dr.Scherman in Canada in 2018.  

Professionally, Alexander is a sustainability strategy consultant and he enjoys meeting new people, traveling and having adventures with a highlight being a 134m bungy jump.

Maria Heckinger

Maria was born in Patras, Greece in 1953. At 3 years of age she was adopted by a family in San Diego, CA., USA. Her childhood was challenging with a wonderful, loving mother but an unstable father who agreed to adoption to save his marriage.

Maria began a 31-year teaching career and traveled to Greece for the first time in 1984. Through sheer serendipity she found her orphanage and then her birth mother, a woman with many secrets. It took 10 years before her birth mother would tell about the rest of the extended family. They spent the next 34 years gathering as a family as often as possible.

In a story that reads more like fiction than fact, Maria chronicled the unlikely tale of her mother-and-child reunion in the book, Beyond the Third Door: Based on a True Story.

Maria travels to Greece, enjoys playing pickleball with friends, and spending time outdoors in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

Sam Roxas Chau 姚 (Yao)

Roxas Chua  姚 (Yao) was born in Manila, Philippines. He is a foundling and was adopted by a second generation Chinese family living in the Philippines. He found out he was adopted at age 12 and sadly, his family had no intention of telling him.

Roxas-Chua 姚 is also a student of poetry, visual and sound arts. He is the author of Fawn LanguageSaying Your Name Three Times UnderwaterEcholalia in Script, and Dear Someone Somewhere, an adopted-person’s audio podcast journal. His poetry and calligraphy works have appeared in various local, national, and international journals. His art and writing intersects with various disciplines and has led him to speak at universities as a visiting author.

Roxas-Chua 姚 recently completed an Artist-in-Residence program at the Portland Chinatown Museum and he is currently creating musical scores for independent film.

Renate Ae Ra Van Geel

Renate Ae Ra Van Geel was born in South Korea but moved to Belgium in order to be adopted. She is 38 years old and is married with two children.

She found her Korean parents, sisters and brother 11 years ago. Only after both her adoptive parents died was she able to come out of the fog and dive into ‘the process’.  It has been a valuable but very bumpy ride ever since. She visited Korea 3 times over the last 2 years, including one time with her husband and children.

As a psychological consultant she counsels and coaches mostly adult adoptees and she is also part of Adoptee & Foster Care (AFC) based in the Netherlands and Belgium.

Ben Fossen

Ben Fossen was adopted from Guatemala at 4 months old in 1990 to a family in the USA. He is an engineer, investor and entrepreneur. He co-founded Adoptees with Guatemalan Roots, a global community of people adopted from Guatemala and currently serves as its Board Chairman.

Ben has been back to Guatemala 30+ times and reconnected with his birth family in 2015. He is very close with them and visits multiple times a year and they have welcomed him as a member of the family.

Ben was involved in lobbying the Guatemalan government and President to get services for Guatemalan adoptees that were approved and implemented in 2021.

James Kinnaird

James was born in Cali, Colombia in 1993 and was separated from his Colombian mother and adopted to an Australian family at the age of 1 year old. Via a long and tumultuous journey of self discovery and unraveling the truths of Colombia’s history of illegal and illicit adoptions, James reached out to the adoptee community on social media in search of his biological family. Not expecting much, he was overwhelmed by the offers of help and assistance within 24 hours of posting his search information. One of the groups, Plan Angel reached out and it was within a very quick timeframe, that his mother had been located and they were speaking together.

In 2021, James was involved in ICAVs Video project for Professionals that developed a much needed resource to educate teachers, doctors, and counsellors about the lived experience of intercountry adoptees.

Outside adoption, James enjoys basketball, music, video games, fishing, travel, history/international relations, music festivals, salsa dancing, reading, a good fiesta, bar hopping, practicing Spanish, cooking and being a snack addicted coach potato.

Raya Snow

Raya was born in Ivanovo, Russia in 1989. At the age of 8 she was privately sold by a biological great great aunt to people in Canada and taken into custody by a Russian speaking family. She now consider herself not an adoptee but a displaced person, trafficked from her birth country into another. 

Raya is a contributor to Fireside Adoptees and helps with support, graphics, promotion and hosting weekly chats. She has also been involved with Reckoning with the Primal Wound, promoting the documentary and offering resources. In past years, she was in the team from I’m Adopted, interviewing adoptees, sharing about her life as an adoptee and connecting with other Russian adoptees.

With all the struggles and trauma many adoptees face, Raya has decided to undergo certification in trauma informed coaching to help adoptees acknowledge their grief and re-teach the brain new ways of thinking which allows adoptees to notice their trauma responses and the ways it affects them in the present. Raya believes we can’t change the past but we can change where we are in the present by diving deeper into ourselves

Lynelle Long – ICAV Host

This incredible team of panelists and webinar host and ICAV Founder, Lynelle Long, look forward to sharing our lived experience with you at our upcoming webinar. If you wish to attend the webinar Reunion and Beyond, click on the RSVP button below:

Resources

Part 1 of this webinar series, Searching in Intercountry Adoption as Adoptee Experts

A different type of Reunion

by Damian S Rocco, adopted from Vietnam to Australia.

I share with you the next chapter of my journey!

Left to Right: Damian & Luom

This photo is from the 1970s. When I was getting picked up from a Saigon orphanage to be sent to an Australian couple in the 70s, the orphanage said to couple, “There is another half black /Asian child and these two seem to be playing together a lot. Can you take two?”

The couple said, “We only asked for one!” But they took Luom as well.

Although we are not biological siblings, our journeys are the same and brotherhood is not always defined as having to be biologically related.

Soon after we arrived in Australia to be with this couple, they decided after some time, not to keep Luom. He was given up to the State and then went on to vibrate on his unknown journey.

We reconnected some 25 years later in the 90s, then through some life challenges, I withdrew from our journey together. Fast forward to 2023 and we have reconnected.

Luom, like myself, has also found his African American family in the USA. This brought absolute joy and happiness to me.

Luom had his Antwone Fisher moment. For those who have seen the movie, you will know what I mean – the last scene in the movie!

Luom was met by his African American family with placards and all.

I apologise to Luom that his unconditional brotherly love for me was not enough back in early life to get me out of some dark places. Thank you for always not giving up on me.

Coming Next: You can RSVP for ICAVs second part webinar on Reunion and Beyond

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