The Aloneness of Motherloss

by Mila Konomos, adopted from South Korea to the USA. Poet, artist, activist.

Mila with her child, embracing all that was lost to her as an infant, separated from her mother.

I have been processing the Aloneness of #MotherLoss a lot lately.

Intellectually, I know what self-talk to cultivate. I know I am not alone. I know that I have people in my life who care for me and value me.

But this aloneness is deeper than that.

This aloneness is the the aloneness of Mother Loss.

I feel so alone so often because I do not have a Mother.

I lost my First Mother at 5 days old.

I lost my Foster Mother at 6 months old.

I grew up with a Mother who could not see my trauma. Hence, she did not know how to love or comfort me through the loss, pain, and grief of my Adoptedness.

I feel alone because I was always alone in my pain and grief.

I feel alone because I have spent most of my life crying alone.

I feel alone because I have rarely known what it is to not be alone, not only physically but emotionally.

I feel so alone so often, because Mother Loss is a loss that remains for a lifetime.

There is no way to replace a Lost Mother.

No one else on earth can compensate for a Lost Mother.

Only One Mother bore me in her own body. Only One Mother’s heartbeat, breathing, and voice were what I heard for 9 months. Her scent, her face were as though my own.

I watched a documentary recently during which the narrator said, “Babies think they are a part of whomever they are within.”

This is profound in the context of Adoptees severed from our mothers as infants. We must have experienced separation from our mothers almost as though being ripped in two, torn away from ourselves. Split violently apart.

I have to allow myself to grieve this Mother Loss. It is eternal. Even 12 years post-reunion, Mother Loss remains. I can never get back the Mother I lost. I cannot retrieve the over three decades of my life that I was lost, compounded by the loss of language, culture, and geography.

There is a pain and loneliness that is hard to describe when you find what you had been looking for all of your life and yet it still slips through your fingers.

This pain of being so close yet still so far.

As though looking through a window but never actually getting to go in.

Mila with her son and a special Korean children’s book called, “Waiting for Mama”.

For more from Mila, follow her at her website, The Empress Han. Her newest poetry album Shrine is being released in May 2021.

#adoption #transracialadoptee #adoptionreunion #adoptee #adoptionistrauma #adoptionloss #adopteevoices

Adoptee Remembrance Day

For Adoptee Remembrance Day I want to highlight and honour those who have attempted suicide and also those who have died of suicide. This is a topic within adoption that needs far more attention and resources. We lose adoptees to suicide because there is not enough supports to recognise and enable healing from the losses that many experience.

I wrote this because I understood this cry for help from someone I’m currently supporting and it rings of the truth we experience in being relinquished. Our relinquishment is not a once-off action without consequences – our loss is experienced internally on a very deep level, and for some, it’s felt every moment, every day and can become overwhelming!

I want to go home!”

This is the cry of a young man as he struggles, dangling from the noose created for himself.

In these most vulnerable moments, the pain is so intense and raw, he can see no other way to have some peace.

How does he ever get to this moment?

It’s a lifetime of misunderstood pains which build up, no words to express.

It’s a bodily anger and rage from not understanding why she left him, was he not good enough? Was it his fault?

From an early age the body cuts off – his only survival mechanism.

Love does not conquer this pain, anguish, and confusion! Love cannot penetrate.

Who is he? How did he end up here, in a different country, surrounded by people that are not his by nature? This is not what he wanted! 

Generations lost – their trauma resides within his body.

Darkness seeps into his soul.

No way out? 

Only hope will relieve … find her. 

The one – who’s sounds and movements his body cells remember.

It will be his only chance to live.

Can someone help him come home … to her?

Then maybe it will make some sense. 

This loss and pain he doesn’t understand. 

Home is where he wants to be!

In honour of those we have lost who struggled through this, and for those who still struggle every day – You Are Not Alone!

ICAVs Memorial page

Resources

The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier