by Mike Tsang, born in Hong Kong, adopted to New Zealand
Before you judge my life, my past or my character… walk in my shoes, walk the path I have traveled, live my sorrow, my doubts, my fear, my pain and my laughter. Remember, everyone has a story. When you’ve lived my life then you can judge me.
Trigger warning: self harm images and discussion in this post
My story begins in an orphanage in Hong Kong called Po Leung Kuk.
Growing up in this communal family environment gave me a sense of belonging, identity, language and family. I didn’t really understand the concept of adoption and how other kids were taken away and never brought back. People came and went – taking us randomly. I loved growing up in the orphanage and have positive memories of my time there. Punishment was in the form of a rubber spider that knew when you misbehaved and would magically appear under your pillow. The screams of shock and terror that would ensue is funny to look back at those memories. My love of nature and animals grew at the orphanage. I enjoyed my time in the playground, chatting away to the birds and frogs in the pond.
I did not expect that one day my world would be turned upside down when a married couple from Aotearoa visited and took me out a few times. On the last day before I was taken away from the orphanage, I remember a woman coming to see me. She called from the doorway. I was busy playing and did not take much notice but eventually went to her for a hug. She told me she loved me. I did not realise that she was my actual birth mother. I would later regret and have so much anger, hate and shame at myself for not recognising her.
Next day, I was on a plane to Aotearoa with my adoptive parents to a new life. This new life was filled with so many challenges not just for me but also for my adoptive parents. As I grew up, I had many behavioural behaviours that needed specialist help and care from someone who could connect and understand me. But unfortunately there was no-one.
My home environment was no better as my adoptive parents had their own personal challenges which led them to divorce when I was 16. Often throughout my younger years I was alone without support. I questioned many things such as: “Why was I here?”, “Why are people were so mean to me?”, “What did I do wrong to deserve this?”, and “Is this what a family and parents are?” In those times, I guess it was generally accepted that various forms of punishment were okay. Nobody ever confronted my adoptive parents about their behaviours towards me nor the various signs I was showing that I needed love, care and protection from adults around me.
I remember a news article which was read at primary school when I was 7 years old. It was about about some kid dying from eating a yellow M&M and it so happened the teacher was giving out M&Ms, so of course I chose the yellow M&M. Fortunately I didn’t die from it and am still here. I tried various times to commit suicide but I had no idea what I was doing. At age 10, I tried to hang myself and my adoptive dad saw and grabbed the towel from around my neck.
The need to escape from reality and my situation would result in various behaviours like taking ages to get home, committing petty crimes such as shoplifting with Pasifika and Māori kids, self-harming, lying and stealing. Later on those crimes would escalate as I found a way to connect with others who seemed to understand and accept me for who I was.
I ended up in jail at the age of 19 for assaults. I was filled with rage and hatred for life with no idea where these emotions came from. At first, I struggled to adjust and adapt to prison but later on, once I got used to it, it was kind of the same environment as the orphanage I grew up in, which I missed so much.
When I got released from jail, I ended up back at my adoptive dad’s as I had nowhere else to go to. I faced the same issues and it was hard for me to adjust as well as having depression, suicidal thoughts, self-harming with no-one to talk to or help me. I was alone again. I tried the church/religion route but that didn’t work. They did their best but they couldn’t connect to, or understand me.
What saved me was the Triads, a local ethnic Asian gang. They gave me a sense of purpose, life, pride and status. Later on, it was my wife of 20+ years who helped me feel a sense of connection and belonging. As I grew older, I learned to trust and developed a belief that I was worth something and belonged in this world.
My birth mum found me through Facebook and I met up with her and my half-sister. This answered so many questions in my life and gave me a sense of inner peace, I guess.
I am now doing my dream job of being a youth worker with an organisation that believes in and trusts me. I also run my own charity MAKA with some others. We support youth from a similar upbringing, who face various challenges like I did.
Looking back on my life, there is nothing I can say or do to make things better or give myself any advice. My life experiences are what I needed to make a positive impact and break those barriers to create a journey full of hope and understanding for those who are often on the outside of the traditional systems of help.
Resources
Finding belonging through culture and sport with Mike (podcast)
Lifelong impacts of cross cultural adoption