by Jonti, adopted from Sri Lanka to Australia
Hey all
I’m sharing another piece written within prison. I was recently asked by a good friend to think about what I’ve missed out on from being adopted. At the time I thought it was a juvenile task to do but after great thought I realised I was able to allow myself to have this question and I even established some answers which I wanted to share. Through this process I also realised why my friend asked me this. It wasn’t just a therapeutic exercise but allowed me the space to finally put down on paper all those blank parts I wonder about myself, in which I hope one day I’ll have some answers.
I understand not all of you will share the same thoughts and ambitions and that’s completely okay. I personally feel this exercise has benefited my journey of progressing in unpacking my adoption and rehabilitation.
The first thing I think about in answer to this question, is family. Even though I don’t have children of my own, my current age and maturity has left me quite clucky. I am also influenced by the value of worshipping the importance of family. Living in Australia and coming from an unconditionally loving and caring adoptive family, I have a curiosity about the older and younger biological members of my Sri Lankan family. Are there younger siblings, nieces or nephews? I absolutely love and cherish my adoptive family but one of the hugest parts I’m missing, is ties to any blood relatives.
Another part I feel I’ve missed out on is the importance of understanding my Sri Lankan culture and history. Take food for an example. I absolutely love food (I’m an absolute guts!) Throughout my life I’ve learnt that food in Australia is exactly that – food! But in a country like Sri Lanka, food isn’t just food – it’s their life, the beating heart of the country.
Since being incarcerated, a lesson I’ve also learnt is not to take things for granted. I was quite spoilt and well looked after in my adoptive family environment. But since coming to jail, getting a lot of life’s luxuries ripped out from beneath me has made me realise I need to value the small things. These small things are often what I took for granted and yet are of bigger value than I initially thought. If I were still in Sri Lanka, everyday life would potentially include more hardships than what I have experienced here in a western culture. I have been so used to having access to things, having my needs fulfilled, having things handed to me.
Another part that I would have experienced differently is my biggest passion – sport. From a young age I’ve always played some kind of sport – basketball, AFL, cricket. I love the team environment, the social side, as well as healthy competition. I’ve played cricket but it was only ever a game whereas I realise that in Sri Lanka, it’s one of the biggest sports and is more like a religion – something they want 24×7 that extended families play during the week and in the middle of busy streets. So sport for me is social but if I’d been raised in Sri Lanka – no doubt cricket would have been an addiction.
Religion is another aspect that comes to mind when I consider what I’ve missed out on. Even though I went to a Catholic school, religion hasn’t really been a huge interest or passion. I understand religious groups, some of my mates are in them but I’ve been able to see the good and bad within these institutions. I’ve never settled on choosing a specific religion but I do still pray occasionally – praying for my lucky stars, for all those special people in my life and those upstairs looking down on me and my loved ones. Now I do know one thing for sure, I wouldn’t have this same attitude about religion if I grew up in Sri Lanka. It is a country steeped in religion. I have a tiny bit of curiosity about my biological family’s religion as it would help me understand their philosophy, customs and lifestyle.
Lastly, I want to talk about a huge part of my life: past, present and future – and that is dealing with the ongoing grief and loss from the relinquishment and adoption. It’s been enormous to process feelings of alienation, rejection, abandonment and struggling with loss and separation. These feelings are really apparent in previous relationship breakdowns and I still struggle with ongoing feelings like this today. I am getting better at understanding it all, thanks to some really supportive friends and professionals – but it still lingers. I understand in everyday life we face difficulties and challenges around grief and loss (eg when someone or a pet passes away) but if I were still in Sri Lanka, I wouldn’t have this type of trauma and PTSD that I carry today.
Resources
What I lost when I was adopted
What adoptees lose in intercountry adoption
No one ever talks about all the loss that comes with being a transracial adoptee
Adoption related gains, losses, and difficulties – the adopted child’s perspective