Last year in November I presented to the Hague post adoption forum on a few topics. One of the topics was about what I had learnt from providing peer support spaces for the past 27 years.
Here’s what I suggest are essentials to consider when working beside fellow adoptees as peers:
- Build trust – it takes time and needs to be done one by one. Abandonment, relinquishment, displacement has a huge impact on adoptees and they can often take a long time to trust you will always show up, always be there for them, always support them.
- Assess where they are on their journey of awakening – I like the Adoptee Consciousness model proposed by Branco, Kim, and co (5 adoptee academics who wrote a critical consciousness model of what motivates adoptees to change and transform from being in the fog to being active). When we understand where adoptees are at, we can be more mindful of how we engage them and how to pitch things suitable for their stage so we aren’t inadvertently triggering them or causing them more harm.
- Scaffold with multiple supports that match where they are in their journey eg help them find online groups, face to face groups and events, their interest areas like art music or sports. This recognises that we as one peer support is not the only support they need – adoptees need to be having support from multiple avenues in their life.
- Consistency is key! Actively reach out, actively be aware of the anxieties and sensitivities of adoptees, be trauma informed and understand their triggers. If we react to them, take ownership of our own issues and be accountable to them.
- Maintain strong boundaries – make sure you know how and when you want to be reached and what times of day / night; know where you will stop and start in giving supports – is it financial, legal, emotional support you give, over the internet, face to face? Over the years I’ve learnt some hard lessons and I’ve experienced adoptees with great trauma who can be toxic if I don’t have strong boundaries to protect myself. If there’s a lack of self awareness and they are still in survival mode, as a peer support, I’ve learnt I need to be really mindful of maintaining strong boundaries.
- Do your work on your inner self and be self aware – know your own strengths and weaknesses, understand power imbalances, know how to identify when a relationship becomes toxic and how / when to remove yourself from these, minimising damage to them, referring them onto others who are more appropriately skilled. Understand vicarious trauma and how it impacts you.
Hence it’s really important you – - Have your own support network – someone to bounce things off, someone to supervise and give feedback when you get involved in difficult and toxic situations, someone you trust but has more experience than you and can guide and provide wisdom.
- Lead by example – I model via my advocacy in how I can turn my pain and experiences into a journey of empowerment. I aim to do my best and lead by example, taking ownership of my failings and short comings and acknowledging we are all human with our own set of traumas and triggers.
- Be aware of the risks of being involved in peer support work
- Not all adoptees are healed or self aware, not all adoptees want support or are ready for it.
- It’s vulnerable to share your own journey.
- The slow pace of change in advocacy can be frustrating.
- The burden to support, educate and advocate is tiring, telling our stories over and again costs us emotional energy.
- You get judged, you can become targeted, some people are toxic.
- Largely unfunded and unrecognised for the expertise it requires to provide peer support well and over many years.
Resources
USA Virtual Fair 2024 (webinar) – showcasing 20 of the most active intercountry adoptee led organisations and spaces
ICAVs global network, listing Adoptee Led groups
The Charter of Peer Support (for mental health)