by Jacky L Harner, adopted from Moldova to the USA
For the longest time I can remember screaming in frustration, “I wish I was un-adopted” at every inconvenience as a child and as a teen. I didn’t know that was the complex trauma starting to stir up stuff. As an adult I know that’s not a rational or doable thing.
I grew up in a country I didn’t know, had to learn a language at 2 (I was speaking Russian in Moldova).
My mother from Moldova was Jewish and there was a civil war in Moldova when I was conceived. My father was a Russian soldier and I am pretty sure I was a child of assault or out of wedlock. My mother tried to put me up for adoption on several occasions and the Moldovan government always said no. Finally, I was dropped off at an orphanage by the Jewish Cemetery and was in and out of the hospital as a baby.
I do not remember well as I was only 2 years old. So these are things told to me by my adoptive parent. I was raised by a single mother in Ohio (USA) and was quite a little troublemaker as a toddler and onwards. I couldn’t focus on things because I was constantly thinking about other kids parents and how they had genetic mirroring. Genetic mirroring is the traits and features families share biologically. I had no genetic mirroring. I was labeled ADHD and autistic because of my inability to not think about where I came from. I didn’t understand American social expectations because – again – I am not American, despite what a piece of paper says.
My name in Moldova was Irina Konstantinovna Stomatova. (cтоматова Ирина Константиновна). That took me a month to figure out how to say it. I was told I was loved so much that I was abandoned. This seems to be a common way adoptive parents twist “love” to fit their needs. I don’t feel like I’m actually in my family, just kinda a bystander to my family. I know if I don’t play the part of being grateful – I will be homeless and cut out. I’m okay with being cut off and out, it will give me peace of mind. Homelessness on the other hand is its own traumatic experience.
So I have to play this part and be told to hide my trauma.
Well, that almost cost me my life. I had a plethora of medical issues stemming from a medication change gone horribly wrong. Along with that, I started wondering where I came from. It was the perfect storm.
I found out I had family who were murdered in the holocaust and I started intro to Judaism classes at the college. I had a life in the synagogue and a sense of belonging. But I had to move into my parents house after an agency caused the medical malpractice against me. I am lucky to be alive today.
My mother has the narrative that she tried to help me when it was going on. I was constantly gaslit over text, being threatened if I didn’t comply. Then the other piece of the puzzle comes in, my sibling. They and their spouse tried to kill me because they had marriage problems that are being worked on now, but that doesn’t fix or erase the assault and lying they did. I now have PTSD from my life.
As a child I felt out of place, now I realize that was my separation and adoption trauma. I didn’t know who or what I was.
So I decided to transition to be a male. I am more aligned with who I am physically, but mentally I will always feel like a bystander. And the bystander feeling is worse than any feelings of wondering where I came from.
I wish I could go back and tell that scared kid that he will grow up and be emancipated and have a life … of his choosing. That kid had to suffer sexual abuse from kids, lies and bullies and most of that was from people (teachers) and others who were supposed to protect me. The duty of care is conditional as is love in adoptions – especially intercountry adoptions – because we know we wouldn’t be accepted in our birth countries fully either. We are just floating in a space void that we can’t escape from. I refuse to let that void suck me in and take me away.
September is national suicide prevention month. Adoptees are 6x more likely than kept or non adoptees to commit suicide. We make up 75% of institutions and jails.
I am happy to be alive and I know how to articulate how I am feeling more thanks to PTSD competent therapists. I am lucky to be alive, not by fighting with my own blood and tears.
I am going into group support living temporarily. I am recognizing finally how toxic my relationship with my adoptive family is and I want to have a better relationship with them. I know its work. I try to do the work and I have a lot happening in my life.
Things I do to combat my traumas are ice hockey and skateboarding. I may be blind but I don’t let that get in the way of my favourite sports. I want to be a beacon of light for others.
I learnt how to tell my story from Brady Leavold who runs Puck Support Co charity in Canada. If he hadn’t told his story of mental health struggles then I don’t think I would have had the courage to tell mine. So if you’re reading this, you matter. I hope my story resonates with you.
Resources
Adoptees who identify as LGBQT+ (ICAV Perspective Paper)
Suicide and adoption resources