Returning to Homeland

by Meseret Cohen, adopted from Ethiopia to Australia, ICAV Representative WA

This article was originally published at Meseret’s LinkedIn News page

Returning and reconnection with original family and culture for an adoptee can create a mix of emotions. It can also give the greatest opportunity to answer the big questions you may have. I was 18 years old when I decided to return to Ethiopia. I had no idea what the process was or what types of emotional preparation I needed for it. Even though I was adopted as a teenager and migrated to Australia at 14 years old, it was remarkable how I had disconnected from my origins and didn’t know to process my losses. I lost the language and certain memories of my life in Ethiopia which made my first trip more challenging and overwhelming. Some of my family I had not seen for over 10 years. That first trip back was not a search trip, it was a return journey to reconnect with families I already had contact with and to link back with my culture. My personal experience of that first trip was overwhelming, exciting and life changing. Since then, I have been back to Ethiopia four times, and I am currently in the process of planning to travel again. Here is what I found helpful in preparation for adoptees planning to travel back to their homeland.

Professional support for emotional preparation

I highly recommend therapy with a professional counsellor or therapist as part of the emotional preparation process. I found there were many emotions including unprocessed grief, feelings of isolation, confusion, loss and/ or anger that I had pushed aside to adapt into my life in Australia. It was all suppressed and unprocessed. You may also face many complex emotions. Seeing things like poverty and challenging life circumstances in our homeland can be difficult to process. I found it hard to seeing mothers begging on the streets of Addis. Poverty is highly triggering for adoptees and seeing it front of me was hard to bear so it is important to be aware of it and start the conversations about what you might be faced with when you return. It is necessary to learn tools of emotional regulation to help you maximise the experience.

Cultural differences

It is important to understand there will be differences between the current culture you are living in and your birth country. I remember when I saw my extended biological family that I was crying uncontrollably for hours, and I had so many mixed emotions of joy and sadness and some of my family members reached out trying to help me and asking me to stop. I tried to explain to them that I felt such mixed emotions and that I needed to cry as part of my processing. They proceeded to tell me to stop, saying the past is the past in well-meaning ways, however I soon realized that showing emotions was not considered normal in Ethiopia and that the norm is for people move on without processing them. Looking back now, I realize I was grieving my losses for those who passed away as much as I could with those still alive, given my limited ability of speaking the language. These were the people who were there at the most important times of my life between birth to 8 years old and who now seemed like strangers yet at the same time, felt like home and familiar. This is just a small example of cultural differences I experienced but there will be others that you go through, and it is important to knowledge them and have some understanding of what to expect. It’s important to do research into your birth culture and be informed as much as possible.

Connect with adoptee community

Nowadays there are so many online platforms and different types of adoptee communities that you can connect with. It can be helpful to chat to other adoptees who have done the trip and listen to some relevant information that may be helpful to your turn trip. It can also be helpful to hear their experiences as every adoptee responds differently. I find talking to people who have similar shared experiences can be helpful and normalize conversations on topics that impact adoptees. It can be helpful to have likeminded communities to lean on for support throughout this experience. Adoptee communities can provide safe spaces to discuss issues confronting adoptees and can be a wonderful source of support and resources.

Organise essentials prior to arrival

Picking accommodation and organising translators can be challenging and overwhelming. I highly recommend to book into accommodation that is relaxing and where you have personal space for yourself to process the many complex aspects that arise. This is important especially for adoptees who are planning to visit birth families. I generally recommend hotels and guest houses. When you first return there is a lot happening and family want to see and spend time with you. This can be overwhelming and having somewhere to relax can be helpful. When it comes to translators, I suggest asking for recommendations of people who are professional and have worked in the area and are used to dealing with adoptees. This means they understand the sensitivities and the issues facing adoptees. You can also get advice from other adoptees on what price to expect from reputable translators. This will make the trip easier and it’s one less thing to worry about when you arrive. I recommend reaching out to adoptees in the Facebook community for recommendations or someone who has been there recently.

Identity cards or dual citizenship

When I arrived at Addis Ababa on my first trip, it felt strange because Ethiopia doesn’t allow dual citizenship, so I had to give up my Ethiopian citizenship and chose to keep my Australian. It was a challenging choice as I knew I would be treated like a visitor when I returned and that is what happened. I felt like I was home however I was on a tourist visa. It was uncomfortable, but this is the reality for an Ethiopian adoptee. You may have to choose as I did, of having to give up parts of your identity to make it easier to travel around the world. As adoptees, we often feel powerless because in some countries like Ethiopia we don’t have the option to retain dual citizenship. We are forced to make a choice and sadly we are often treated like tourists with money. My advice is do some research and see if your birth country has various visas extensions or dual citizenship. In my case Ethiopia allows the diaspora to have yellow card – an equivalent to citizenship. It has almost all the benefits of being a citizen of the country with a few exclusions. I highly recommend it. It not only made the trip cheaper, but you can stay as long as you like in the country without worrying about the visa expiration. Using a yellow card also enables in part a reclamation of your identity.

Support

This trip can be done alone, however if you are thinking about taking someone, consider whether they can support you instead of requiring emotional work from you because of their expectations, issues, and story. Parents, siblings, partner, or friends are suitable if they can provide you a safe space, allow you to control things and support you when experiencing your full range of emotions. This trip is yours and you are engaging with your past so it is extremely important to take someone who is emotionally equipped, understands the complexities in adoption and can allow you to deal with things as you see fit. This is not a tourist holiday for them so make sure they can hold space for you and that they are someone you consider trustworthy and reliable. On my most recent trip, I went my sister as her support person. I was honoured that she invited me to go in that role on her first visit back.

Plan to do fun things too

Travelling to your birth country can often be overwhelming, depending on how many family members you are catching up with or if you are planning to reconnect for the first time with family. It can be highly emotional and exhausting, so it is important to make a list of fun things to help balance out the heavy complexities and avoid getting emotionally burnt out.

Have realistic expectations

It is important to have realistic expectations of this return trip. In my experience, it is not often like what Hollywood movies depicts of everything being blissful with rainbows and sunshine. Movies often portray a very simplistic idea that returning to our country and families will somehow magically fix us, however the reality can be quite different. We can often leave with more complexities than we started with. We can often feel even more in-between two countries and cultures than before, but for some, we might feel more grounded. Adoptees vary in their responses to the return trip. When I returned at the age of 18 years old, it was my time to explore my past and face the complexities of my adoption journey before I entered adulthood and think about what I was going to do with my life. I found the trip answered some questions for me and left me with more however, it ultimately led me on the path to being more grounded and accepting of my two worlds. I highly recommend thinking about the timing and not forcing yourself and ensure you have realistic expectations.

In Summary

Returning to my birth country was and remains an amazing and complex experience every time. It is a personal decision for every adoptee as to the timing of the return trip and who is best to support you. It is important to take your time to process and grieve in this experience. I also suggest you have a planned activity to help with processing things that come up on your trip such as journaling, taking photos, and creative ways to capture some of what you feel during the trip. Thinking through the logistics can be overwhelming however returning to birth country is such an important part of identity integration. I found it was essential to creating a positive experience for myself and it helped me build a stronger sense of identity and be better connected to myself and my origins. I feel more settled, and it has helped me integrate my two worlds so that I can move forward into my future. My hope is that returning to your birth country will also help you in your journey as an adoptee.