Reinventing Myself

I can hear the crickets chirp outside as I write this in my tiny but cozy bedroom in Hawaii. It’s been five months since my departure from Arizona to Oahu, and everything’s been changing. I’ve been changing. And life has been a whirlwind, as everyday brings in new surprises, challenges, love, and especially, books, since I work with books everyday.

A full-time library job that has challenged the very core of my being. Boogie boarding. Learning how to ride the waves. Climbing boulders barefoot as the ocean crashes below me. Sunrises, the color of pink and tangerine. Wind in the trees. Hiking trails that have taken my breath away.

Working out at a gym that has a jacuzzi and steam room. Wearing new, pink glasses. Enjoying a membership at Costco, a consumer’s theme park of food and galore that I visit at least once a week–mostly for the free samples. Partaking in first times. Getting a past life reading in China Town. Going to a Kirtan, meeting a new girl friend. Falling in love with a guy who could be my soulmate, which has been frightening.

Even my clothes have been changing. I’m wearing brighter colors, creative patterns and organic jewelry that have crystals, stones or wood. I’m taking care of my appearance better. Taking care of my skin. Eating healthy food most of the time. Practicing yoga as regularly as possible.

Everyday, has been a process and an opportunity to work on myself. Training my mind with The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, has transformed my mind into steering clear away from toxic, negative thoughts that have a way of leaking into my reality. Some days are better than others. The book, Practicing the Power of Now by Eckart Tolle has also made an impact during my time in Hawaii.

I am alone here with no friends or family of my own, so I have to try harder and be more serious about managing myself than others. I have found that it is easier exploring this island on my own.

As a Filipino-American adoptee with a missing a heritage–who was also relinquished to an orphanage the day I was born–remembering myself as a child has been liberating. And, in recent meditations, I found that by viewing my past as not a victim but a victor, or a person that had a choice, I can mend my own past by restructuring my own mental story of it. Mostly alone, but with the occasional company of roommates, co-workers, friends from devotionals, and secret lovers, I slowly become a braver, more wholesome, an eccentrically rooted woman.

And at the end of the day, I hear the crickets chirp in my small but cozy bedroom. I burn some incense, light a candle, sometimes meditate. I sink into my bed, cuddling up with my blankets and pillows.

I am not an orphan anymore, I am barely even an adoptee, I am just a human being with a past that has humbled me into understanding people’s pain and wanting to change this world for the better. As it gets darker outside, I fade into the night. Hawaii keeps my soul warm as I dream. And when I wake, a whole new day begins.

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