Adoptee Fear of Being Alone

by Jonti, adopted from Sri Lanka to Australia

Hello adoption sisters, brothers, aunties and uncles,

It’s Jonti here. I hope you’ve all been well. I’m sending a big, warm hug to you all.

Trigger warning: This blog discusses adoption trauma, rejection, abandonment, grief and the fear of losing loved ones. These are my own thoughts and emotions, although some of you may recognise similar feelings. Please take care while reading and remember that you’re not alone. We, as an adoption family, are here for you.

Most of you know a little about me by now, either through my previous blogs or from Lynelle directly.

One thing I haven’t shared is what scares me and sometimes keeps me awake at night. It’s something many adoptees may have thought about: being left with no family.

And no, I’m not talking about my fear of heights – although I’m petrified of those too!

Through the self-development work I’ve undertaken, and because of the life-jolting situation I currently find myself in, I’ve come to better understand the rejection and abandonment trauma I carry from being adopted.

That doesn’t mean those emotional insecurities have disappeared. I still carry them with me, and I understand they may never completely go away.

I’m not going to lie: I’ve been exceptionally lucky to have two unconditionally loving and supportive adoptive parents. They have never withdrawn their love from me, even during my current situation of being incarcerated.

Because of the trauma I’ve already experienced, one of my greatest fears is being emotionally and physically alone—abandoned, if you will.

In previous blogs, I’ve spoken about how I’ve regrettably handled separation in relationships and about the trauma I carry because of being adopted. I’m turning 34 this year, yet I already feel as though I’ve experienced enough emotional pain to last a lifetime.

Looking ahead with more mature eyes, I know one of the greatest emotional challenges I will eventually face will be the death of my adoptive parents. I believe this will be one of the most vulnerable periods of my life.

That thought chills me to the bone because it connects directly to my fear of being alone and abandoned again. Although their passing will be through the natural course of life, emotionally it may still feel like abandonment.

I cherish my parents in every possible way. I don’t have a partner or children of my own, nor do I have many close family members with whom I can connect emotionally. Nothing will ever fill the physical and emotional space my parents will leave behind.

Because I recognise how deeply their loss will affect me, I understand how important it is to build a healthy, supportive and loving community around myself now.

When that time comes (and it will come, and it will hurt) I need people and places I can turn to for safety, acceptance, warmth and love. Even while I am feeling broken and abandoned, I hope there will be understanding and comfort from professionals, friends and, most importantly, people within the adoptee community.

Knowing what may happen emotionally when certain situations arise, I feel I should share what has helped me. Perhaps it may also help someone facing similar fears, insecurities or challenges.

I’ve been privileged to connect with and build healthy emotional support networks both within and outside the adoption community. When I’m eventually released, I would like to undertake more specialised therapeutic work to help me process the grief and trauma I carry. I’m also looking forward to joining social and support groups made up of people from diverse backgrounds.

For anyone struggling in similar ways, or recognising that these feelings may arise in the future – I strongly encourage you to connect with other adoptees and with professionals who understand adoption through lived experience.

I’m not saying this will provide an easy fix, because it won’t. But it may help you understand why you feel and react the way you do. It may also give you a caring, loving and understanding community to turn to when difficult situations arise.

Family, I write these blogs as part of my own therapeutic journey. I also write them in the hope that my experiences may help someone who needs support now or may need it in the future.

I hope this helps in some small way. Please remember that you’re not alone. There are people who understand, who care and who are here for you.

Ciao for now,
Jonti

If you would like to send Jonti a message via Lynelle at ICAV who prints them out and mails them to Jonti, he very much appreciates feeling like he can contribute to the adoption community and be part of it despite being incarcerated.