Returning To Reclaim

by Marta Weber, born in Ethiopia and adopted to the USA

The decision to go and meet your biological family isn’t an easy one. There is no real manual on how to do it, or even what to expect. Like everything else about being adopted, it’s complex, a journey filled with so many plot twists and forks in the road. However, if you decide to do it, it will be the bravest and most life altering experience you might ever have.

What no one really talks about is how this experience changes you. A piece of you knows that you won’t be the same person when you return. You also can’t know in which way you will change. This is both terrifying and liberating. While you do get so many questions answered, you will find that you will have a whole new set of questions. Reunion isn’t a quick fix for decades of separation and trauma. It is taking the next step in healing and finally getting some answers. It forces you to a deeper grounding in who you are. It may be letting go of things that no longer serve you to become the person you want to be. For me it was learning to let down the wall I had built to keep myself safe and letting them in. My experience made me realize that I didn’t know who I was outside of being a survivor and living in “survival mode”. For me, it’s seeing the joy and peace my Ethiopian family have and it being foreign to me. A visible sign of what I missed out on.

Preparing to go isn’t just buying a ticket and packing some clothes and getting a visa. There are logistical things to prepare for as well as emotionally.

Logistically there is a lot of preparation needed to fly home. You will need to find accommodations close to your bio family, but also far enough that you have a private space to decompress. Your Ethiopian family will also ask you exactly where you are staying and if you tell them they will be there at the airport in droves to welcome you. I recommend keeping your arrival time/date/location private until you are ready to meet your family.

I was given advice to take at least one day to acclimate. Get used to the altitude and any environmental triggers you may face. Seeing so much poverty is difficult and the upcoming reunion will also be very intense. You will need a guide with a car to get around as well as help with interpreting. There will be a daily rate so be prepared to budget that into your trip. In terms of money to bring it is difficult to know how much. Cash is better to travel with so you can exchange it. There are some expectations like taking out your family to eat a couple of times and other expenses that will come up so it’s better to have an overabundance of cash versus running out. You will also need a local resident, possibly your guide, to exchange your money for you since you will get double the value from markets outside of the bank. More cash the better, but spread out the money in multiple areas so if you were to lose money it’s not all taken. There are many ways to be pick-pocketed so for daily travel don’t bring more than you will use that day and hide the rest. I wouldn’t ask a family member since that would be awkward, and they may have also never seen that amount of cash.

You will also need a culturally competent interpreter as there are many nuances that are not obvious. There will be times when you need a break and they can help get you a break in a polite way. You can also cheaply purchase a sim card and it’s very much needed for communication. Your guide could help with that process. It is also customary to bring gifts for the family. Nothing too expensive but things like soccer balls for little kids. Clothes for parents and older siblings. Luxury items like jewellery / perfume / purses are taxed heavily and would make good gifts. It’s also helpful to know how religious your family may be as some gifts may not be suitable or culturally appropriate. If you know someone who has made this trip talk to them before you go. There may be additional insight they can offer.

Emotionally you will also need to prepare. This will not be an easy trip. I don’t know if anyone can ever be emotionally ready for this trip and experience, but it is well worth doing all you can to support yourself emotionally/mentally. I slept 1-2 hours a night because of how anxious I was, and how intense the emotional demands were. The jet lag was also a factor and made the emotions heightened. I don’t recommend traveling alone but bringing along someone who has the capacity to emotionally support you. The person needs to understand that their role is to be your support and that you will not have the capacity to support them. Emotions will come up you don’t expect. No matter how much therapy you have had to process your adoption, you won’t know how you feel until you are there. You will need a space to go in order to process that as well as coping skills as your body and mind are in a constant state of hypervigilance.

Having an arsenal of coping techniques is essential, as well as being able to advocate for your needs. A trauma informed therapist who has worked with adoptees would help immensely. You will feel the need to speak to them before/during and after your trip. You may learn things about your adoption that dramatically alter your understanding of what happened to you. Having a way to stay connected to friends/family/support people back home will be key. WhatsApp is a helpful way to stay connected. Since there will be much needed heavy conversations, it is so important to have fun activities to build new and positive memories.

Depending on how old you were when you were adopted, reunion can feel like meeting complete strangers. Difference being these strangers know things about you that you don’t even know. Sometimes this is heartwarming as you learn things about yourself. Maybe what kind of baby you were or funny and silly things you said or did. Sometimes the feeling is grief that you are always the last person to find out anything about yourself. In the hopes of not being completely overwhelmed, having new adventures together can give much needed breathing space. This could include a fun restaurant or visiting a park or zoo or going shopping together or even going to a museum to learn some of your history. These are just some examples.

In closing, I hope you consider returning to Ethiopia and have the opportunity to meet your family and know how loved you are. I hope you get the chance to walk around in a city, with people who share your features and who recognize you as one of their own. I hope you see the strength and kindness from which you were born and feel more empowered and grounded. Returning home is part of reclaiming your identity and your story. It’s also your choice. Maybe the first time you have had a choice when it came to your identity and adoption journey.

Marta’s piece is part of the upcoming ICAV Perspective Paper, Return to Birth Country which will be published next. This paper provides insight from many intercountry transracial adoptees of various birth countries, giving tips and suggestions recommended for other adoptees to consider when contemplating a return to birth country for the first time.