Adoption, Abuse & Exclusion from the Royal Commission

Part 1 of a 3 part series on Sexual Abuse within Adoption

I write this in honour of the survivors who spoke out with much courage in both the Royal Commission and Revelation. They inspired me to no longer be afraid to speak up. Change is only going to happen if we shake off the mantle of shame and name the perpetrators and no longer allow them to hide!

Most people in the adoption community understand and accept that there is trauma and loss involved for us, the adopted person. The trauma we refer to in adoption is usually what I more correctly term “relinquishment trauma” – the trauma that comes from having connected in utero with our mothers and then ripped away for whatever reason, never to connect to her again, unless we are lucky enough to be reunited or have an open adoption (which is rare in intercountry adoption contexts). Many well known professionals like Dr Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor Maté have spoken at length about the childhood traumas involved in being relinquished or abandoned.

In this 3 part series, I want to talk about one of the traumas that occurs to some of us after our adoption – the trauma of sexual abuse within our adoptive families. This topic is too often hushed up in shame and guilt and we, the adoptees, are left to deal with the ramifications – alone, and unsupported.

During COVID-19 I’ve had extra time to be able to watch some documentaries. One of the most impactful was Revelation on ABC which is an investigative documentary by Sarah Ferguson following on from the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Sexual Abuse. I felt compelled to watch it because at the time, the media was covering the release of Cardinal George Pell, who reached one of the highest levels of office in the Catholic hierarchy, and was set free on legal technicalities after taking his case to the Supreme Court in Australia. He had previously been found guilty of child sexual assault by two separate courts but those decisions were overturned. Being a survivor of sexual abuse within my adoptive family, I was horrified and angry at this news like many other survivors! I was triggered and reminded of the lack of justice for people like me, whose perpetrators get away with their crimes! Triggered also because I understood intuitively how much courage it must have taken for the one brave soul and allies to stand up against the Catholic church and dare to take it on, speak his truth, and hope/pray that justice would prevail. Sadly it didn’t! Like me, that brave soul has to live knowing that no matter how hard we fight for our inner child who has been so badly wounded, there is sometimes no legal justice to ensure the perpetrator is punished for their crime. The other trigger was to watch the Pope shortly after, speak out in support of Cardinal Pell, likening his “suffering” to that which Jesus Christ suffered. Ughh for those of us who do believe the victims, this is like the ultimate twist and it sounded just like my adoptive father crying out when I confronted him a couple of times over the phone for his deeds from the past. He demanded that I stop “crucifying him”. Could there be any further twist to us victims being portrayed as the perpetrator, causing their suffering?!

I am compelled to speak out for adoptees like me, who suffer within our adoptive families from sexual abuse. I believe it’s one of the worst forms of trauma that is layered upon our already fragile bedrock of trauma from relinquishment. It has taken me decades to feel open and liberated enough to speak freely about how this has impacted me. I speak out because I tried to participate in the Royal Commission but in the end, I didn’t get to because by the time my lawyer confirmed I was indeed considered technically “under State care” whilst my abuse had occurred, I was too late – the Royal Commission had 1 week left to go and were no longer taking testimonies.

I was initially denied the opportunity to share my story in the Royal Commission because as soon as I said “I’m adopted” they automatically told me that abuse occurring within the “private domain” was not included. I should have said my abuse occurred technically while I had not been adopted. This point in itself highlights one of the areas in which we adoptees speak out about for what is wrong with adoption – and that is the lack of responsibility for us long term, by the State or Institution. The State/Institution takes us, places us, assesses our adoptive family, theoretically screens them, educates them, matches us to them, and deems them “eligible” to adopt. So if the institution that is so intricately involved with placing us “gets it wrong” (in hindsight), and it turns out we are abused by the people chosen by them to be our “parents” – how is it that they can escape having “no responsibility” for any part in our abuse? Remember – we are young children and never got a say. We are in the most powerless position. I argue that being adopted should not deem us as being outside “institutional care from a long term perspective” i.e., adoption is a long term form of State/Institutional care. The astute will understand that the prevailing “once-off transactional view of adoption” is one of the largest reasons why States/Institutes are happy to adopt children out and push adoption as a first solution. It enables them to wash their hands of us and not be held accountable for what happens after. In comparison to our peers who end up in other forms of alternative care that don’t sever the State/Institutional responsibility – e.g., foster care, guardianship, stewardship, or kinship care; they were allowed to participate in the Royal Commission and are followed up on long term.

I know in speaking with other adoptees around Australia how frustrating it was for us to have been excluded from the Royal Commission. While the Royal Commission is holding most institutions accountable for the lack of responses to sexual abuse, the very institutions who placed us into adoptive families where abuse happens, ends up never being accountable for their role.

The Royal Commission was just one way in which I would have liked to have helped create visibility to those of us who suffer sexual abuse whilst in adoptive families we are placed in, as a form of institutional care.

Another option I have, is to seek the services of a lawyer and take up my own personal case against the perpetrators and/or those who deemed my adoptive parents fit to adopt a child. This path in itself is a lengthy and emotionally taxing process. Not many of us end up doing this because being adopted, the mantra to be grateful weighs heavy. Our relinquishment trauma also usually means we have so much to deal with already. I have met only one intercountry adoptee who took legal action against their adoptive family for sexual abuse. To do so, has been a heavy price of further abandonment and unresolved family dynamics. It is a toxic mix of issues adoptees have to struggle through if they are to ever seek legal justice for this type of crime.

Over the past few years, I sought to find a lawyer who could pave a way to claim justice for me but the experience has been just awful! It is terribly re-triggering each time I speak to a lawyer who has no idea about intercountry adoption from the adoptee perspective and the impacts of abuse in the adoptive family. Too many adoptees in ICAVs network have experienced sexual abuse. For most, contemplating seeking justice is just too hard. To have the fortitude and emotional strength to get through the process is almost an unattainable goal, the financial cost prohibitive, finding a lawyer with the right expertise is difficult; most of us just want to move on and try to put it behind us. Each time I spoke to a new lawyer, I’d have to tell my experience all over again. It’s been one of the most invalidating experiences of my life! The last lawyer was the worst, telling me the initial consult would be free but then proceeding to bill me anyway. Lawyers can re-trigger us with their preying mentality that reminds us of our perpetrators! Out of six lawyers, I experienced only one who had any compassion, acted humanely and with empathy. The rest were all legalistic with no heart or soul. There’s something to be said for a profession who needs to be trained from a trauma and racially informed perspective to represent us. Every adoption lawyer I spoke to has never heard of representing us, the adoptee. Their services are all for the adoptive families! It’s taken me over 2 years to be strong enough to write about this experience or to consider trying again.

Coming Next: Part 2 – The Legacy and Impacts of Abuse in Adoption.

Resource

Listen to Kaomi Goetz’s Adapted Podcast in which she shares her story of Sexual abuse and the Institutional Response when she approached them.

8 Replies to “Adoption, Abuse & Exclusion from the Royal Commission”

  1. BRAVA!!! Courageous and much needed!!

    Screening adoptive parents is a joke, especilly in private adoption. And, at least in the US, theer si zero follow-up once the adoption is fon alized.

    Adopted children have beene subjected to every form of physical and sexual abuse: burnt, caged, turtured, starved, force fed, rapd and killed at the hands of those who committed to caring for them.

    Being able to sue one’s abusers is the very least that should be able to happen.

    1. I negelected to say that I am so sorry you experienced such abuse and then were abused again buy the commission and uncaring attorneys.

      It’s well-written and impassioned!I As well as much needed. (That from someone trying to expose adbuse in adoptive homes since my first book in 1988).

      1. thank you so much Mirah for raising so much awareness from your books and writings! I’ve been a keen follower of yours for many years! let’s hope more of us continue to speak out about this! a royal commission into the long term outcomes of adoption or children in care would be absolutely amazing!

  2. .Wow. Well done and said. I don’t know how to write this but i will try. The one question I always get asked is “When did you find out you were adopted?” The answer is ever since I can remember, I don’t remember it any other way. Apparently the stipulation behind my adoption was it had to be to a ‘good Catholic’ family. It’s funny, when I was in grade 1 at school, I used to say to my AM that I had 3 mothers. Her, the mother that didn’t want me and the Mother Mary.

    To this day I’m still not sure if my adoption was classed as inter-country or not as my AP’s were living and working in Papua New Guinea when they received the letter of offer. Yes, letter of offer, like a piece of meat in the butcher shop is the way I read the paperwork. They had already adopted a girl 2 years before I was born so there were 2 of us. They traveled to Queensland from PNG for the interview and for collection. I’m really not sure what the whole screening process was back in 1974 but from what my AM has said is a worker from their village had to give a character statement for them. That was it as far as I know. Once I was picked up and all the paperwork was done we were back on our way to PNG.

    After a year in PNG (sorry I don’t remember much lol), the family moved back to Australia settling in Redcliffe Queensland. Now the thing is, my AP’s did not think they could have children of their own due to heath issues but 6 months before moving back to Australia they fell pregnant. In December of 75 along come sister number 2, their natural born biological child. My AM’s parents lived in Brisbane so while she was in hospital with sister2, sister1 and myself stayed with them so our AF could work and what not. So from not being able to conceive to now having 3 kids on the trot.

    From Redcliffe we moved to a sleepy little town in Queensland on or right around my 3rd birthday. Country living sounds nice right…….well its not always the case. We had a good life growing up with both parents working and not rich but well enough off to holiday a bit and never want or need for anything. AM was a teacher so her hours worked in with us kids. She did not go back to teaching until all of us were in school so she was home most days for us. Our AF on the other hand was a different kettle of fish. He worked long hours and drank the other hours of the day. Yes he was a full blown alcoholic and always was. The reason for moving back to Australia permanently was our AP’s worked for the government in PNG and due to our AF’s mental status (yes mental, he had been admitted to an institution previously) and his drinking problem, he was made to resign and move back to Australia.

    So, we now know the crappy screening process, mental issues and a huge drinking problem are in the mix so what else could go wrong……..Sexual abuse. I would have been around 6 years old when it first occurred. My AM would go out to play squash once a week at night until I don’t know around 9 or 10pm. He would get me to come to his bed to sleep and make me touch him. He also would do this with the boy next door too who was the same age as me as his mother would also go out on the same night so AF was left to ‘baby sit’.

    This went on for a while, I dont know exactly how long as I was young but more than a few occasions. One day, early morning, there was a knock on the front door and I raced to answer it. It was 3 detectives. The boy next door had told his mother what happens at night at our house (thank god). I remember being interviewed by the police and having to go downstairs to retrieve my AF for his turn at the interview. When I got to him he asked me to lie to them as he didn’t remember doing anything wrong. NO BLOODY WAY. Hang on…..but I was always told to tell the truth but now you want me to lie???? Anyway long story shorter he was made to go to rehab for his drinking……thats it, nothing more.

    Cut to today as that was only the beginning of the abuse. Until the day he (AF) died he swore black and blue that it was all in my head (and the boy next door’s) and a lie. Yes he is now deceased and said boy from next door is now doing a double life sentence in prison for murder. I asked my AM not so long ago what was the outcome of all of the investigations, apparently the police put it down to being on the “lower scale of Molestation” do to no “penetration” happening, so it was basically done and dusted with some alcohol rehab. WOW OK.

    Anyway, as I said that was just the beginning. We were in a small country town and even after all of what happened, with myself and the boy next door, they stayed in the town and my AM stayed with him. Small towns = Big gossip. Word spread through town about what happened. The adults hated my AP’s and the kids hated me. Yep its all my fault I was abused ffs. So until the age of 15 when I moved out of home, all through school, I was beaten daily by my peers. The bullying was brutal. I would be called “son of a faggot” and be labelled “like father, like son” and so on, and then beaten to a pulp. I would get home from school battered and bleeding and the only response to this would be “what did you do”. Really????? All I did was be the adoptive son of a child molester.

    Well thats about all I can say right now. There is way too much for here. Iv’e been told I need to write a book about it all but wouldn’t know where to start. Thanks for listening and god bless you all.

    1. Wow, James, what a horror story. You were failed in so many ways by so many people. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I’m sorry – that it happened, that you weren’t listened to, that it led to bullying.

    2. I’m so sorry James … that is just horrendous! I’m so sorry you had to live this shitty life and that you were never protected by police or your mother. And the bullying and beatings from the community is just horrendous. Adoptees are so vulnerable, it’s so wrong that you had to go thru’ this alone with no support for your whole life!

  3. Sorry for the long winded reply to this and i too am sorry you and anyone has had to go through any abuse!

    1. Never be sorry for sharing your experience. I’m so glad you are able to share your voice here! You have nothing to be ashamed of but the system that put you into that family needs to be ashamed!

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