我们从生活经验中提倡和教育
经过 玛丽亚迪玛, 出生于智利，后被瑞典收养；创办人 智利收养网站
你有没有试过（在你的想法中）回去听听你自己，听听你作为被收养人成长的真实感受？
当我试图像那样回到过去时，我意识到我有太多的感受和想法我从来不敢表达。我仍然把那些感觉藏在心里。
作为 1970 年至 1980 年间在瑞典长大的跨种族跨国收养者，我觉得自己是实验的一部分。来自世界各国的孩子被安置在瑞典的家庭中，我们应该像“一张白纸”一样，就好像我们的人生故事是从瑞典的机场开始的。
我的背景从来都不是秘密，我被允许阅读来自智利的文件。但我从来没有觉得我可以谈论我对我第一个妈妈的感受和想法。我内心充满了太多，从未被要求表达任何关于我的感受或想法的信息。我不明白为什么我在瑞典，为什么我不和我妈妈以及在智利的家人在一起。我觉得很不受欢迎，不被爱。
我给妈妈写了一封信，就好像我只有 7 岁一样。我不知道我为什么这样做，但我用西班牙语写了这封信。
有人建议我用左手写信，尽管我是右撇子。
经过 仁埃瑟林顿, 出生为原住民加拿大人并被澳大利亚家庭收养
亲爱的爸爸妈妈，
你离开这个星球已经34年了 
Kerry 和 Steve（妈妈和爸爸）是您见过的最了不起的两个人。我相信他们和你们一样，几乎被他们遇到的每一个人所喜爱。我三岁时从克里和史蒂夫那里得到了一个弟弟。他的名字叫乔什，我们小时候相处得很好。我们很少吵架。我喜欢认为这是我们个性的完美结合，也是由克里和史蒂夫抚养长大的。
你会很高兴知道我有一个美好的童年。我 7 岁时，我们有了另一个弟弟，名叫布罗迪。 BroBro 和我更像，因为我们都更善于交际，也更外向。乔什、布罗迪和我相处得很好。克里和史蒂夫以伟大的价值观抚养我们长大。我们在澳大利亚东海岸的 Theravada 冥想中心附近长大并搬家。我在那里遇到了一些很棒的孩子，我认为他们是表亲。我想如果我被收养了，我也可以收养我自己的家人。
我在童年时期遇到过一些困难，包括对种族主义的无情欺凌以及物化。无论我去哪里，它总是由一个名叫“约翰诺”的孩子 
在我们成长的过程中，几乎每个假期都和全家一起度过，因为对他们来说，拥有大量的家庭时光很重要。我们度过了美好的假期露营，住在海滨大篷车公园，与家人一起参加了具有里程碑意义的世博会，如 88 年世博会，并住在一栋可爱的房子里。我们确实在加拿大度过了很多假期，因为史蒂夫的妈妈住在维多利亚。我知道克里对我的梦想是在我准备好时见到你。我知道她听到你死了的消息时很伤心。我很困惑。我一直都知道我是被收养的，因为我看起来与克里、史蒂夫、乔希和布罗迪不同。当我被问到是否想去参加你的葬礼时，我才 9 岁，不知道该如何处理，现在很后悔没有去那里。
除了欺凌和性虐待之外，我在学校的经历还不错。有人告诉我我像爸爸一样聪明。我很少努力使用智能。我不确定不比我更出众是不是为了自我保护。
有第三个人抚养我长大，她很棒。她是我的姨妈，娜内特。我非常爱她，她是一个不可思议的人。甚至在电话上没有来电显示之前，我总是知道她什么时候打电话。 Nanette 还在我的婚礼上出卖了我。我的婚礼是 20 年前的两天前。我嫁给的男人不是一个好人。我受到了他的很多虐待。相识10年后，我们幸运地分开了。我没有孩子，为此我接受了 12 个月的治疗。如果我有孩子，我很难接受。我无法想象你失去我是什么感觉，我很担心我会重温那种经历以及你的感觉。
我不确定我的同理心从何而来，但这是一种祝福和诅咒。我确实有过两次流产，只有第二次我听到了心跳。这是我昨天上班的照片。他们有和谐日，他们竖起了我们的图腾。
我有很多想问你，想告诉你。我爱你们爸爸妈妈。我现在有一个美好的家庭——我的妈妈和爸爸（Kerry 和 Steve）、我的兄弟们、我的侄女和侄子以及我的伴侣 James。我的阿姨不幸去世了，但我很感激我有时间和她在一起。
阅读 Jen 之前的博客： 金钱永远无法弥补我作为原住民加拿大人所失去的一切
*Name has been changed to protect identity
经过 kim thompson / 김종예 born in South Korea, adopted to the USA, Co-Founder of 环球亚洲
This article was written for Finding the Truth of 372 Overseas Adoptees from Korea published in Korean
Dear Korea,
I want to tell you all about my friend Mia, but I am limited in how I can tell you her story as she is no longer here and cannot give consent to my re-telling of what is hers and hers alone.
And so, Korea, I will tell you about my experience and observations of her and of our friendship.
Mia was a fellow adoptee and my friend. We met in your city of Seoul around 2013 or 2014. I was in my fifth year of living there. Mia was, as is the case for many adoptees in Seoul, trying to learn your language and doing various freelance jobs related to writing and teaching English, as well as working as a journalist for publications in the country she had been adopted to and raised in. She was an immensely talented writer and photographer.
Mia was quirky. For example, she loved marshmallows more than any child or adult I have ever met. She loved them to the point of ecstasy–we used to laugh at how deliriously happy it made her to roast a marshmallow on a rotating spit over hot coals where we’d previously been cooking our 양꼬치 (lamb skewers). Mia was her own unique self. When it came to your food and cafes, Mia loved everything about you, but the fact that you could get marshmallows from 다이소 made her love you even more, even if they weren’t (according to her) quite the same as she could get in the country where she’d been raised. She laughingly said it made her life with you that much easier.
Mia was funny, kind, thoughtful, and incredibly generous both with her time and money. She once hunted down and gifted my then-partner and myself with two specialty sakés from Yoshida Brewery because we had told her how much we loved the documentary The Birth of Saké. She cared deeply for others, freely and easily expressed gratitude, and was just an all-around fun person to hang out with. She had a laugh that I can still easily recall.
Mia loved the band 넬(Nell) and used to, needlessly, thank me constantly for “introducing” them to her. “They’re sooooooo good~~~” she’d earnestly exclaim when talking about an album of theirs she’d been listening to on repeat. She was an intelligent, articulate, and creative mind who had a delightful hunger for life, art, travel, new experiences, and good food… and marshmallows.
Mia also had a very deep awareness and understanding of her mental health struggles and was as proactive as one could be about working to be healthy. She sought out the professional help she needed. She used her very real diagnosed depression as a positive in that she allowed it to make her an even more empathetic being, which was so evidenced in her professional career as a journalist and how she conducted her personal relationships. Mia had lived through traumas and tragedies that are all too common for adoptees and had profound sorrows and losses.
Korea, I am writing to tell you that Mia was such a good friend to many, including myself. She was genuinely interested in and curious about the lives of those around her. When one was with Mia, one felt seen, heard, loved, and cared for.
Four years have passed since she took her life, and I still and shall always love and miss her.
Something else I can tell you, Korea, with as much certainty as possible, is that if the adoption agency through whom she was exported from knew of her suicide they would quickly blame her adopters, her circumstances, her environment, her traumas, her mental health, and Mia herself. They would never think to own their responsibility in being the root cause for all of the “reasons” for why she felt she could no longer stay in her life or this world.
Korea, chances are, the agency would tell you that while it’s an unfortunate reality that “every so often” “bad” adopters manage to get through their system–that it’s a “rarity.” They would dig their heels in, feigning willful ignorance and dismissal over the well-researched and known statistic that adoptees are four times more likely to attempt or commit suicide than non-adoptees. They would tell you that they are not to be held accountable for Mia’s mental health, and that she should have gotten the help she needed. They would say that what happened to her is too bad, and I do not doubt that they would mean it, but they would in the same breath tell you that none of this is their fault.
And yet, Korea, it was the agency that placed Mia in the family she was raised in via a system that has been empowered and enabled on both societal and governmental levels to prioritize and value financial gain over keeping children with their ummas and appas. Mia’s physical and emotional safety and support she needed were not prioritized, nor were they valued.
The responsibility for her mental and physical wellness was placed directly onto her shoulders. The responsibility for her surviving her childhood; learning how to thrive; and later, as an adult, trying to adapt to life in Korea; to explore and embrace her cultural and racial identity; to try and learn the language; and to search or not to search for her first family were also all placed directly onto her shoulders. Mia’s birthright to family, culture, and identity had been sold right from under her without her consent when she was a baby, and she was then left to pay the price for someone else’s immense financial profit.
Dear Korea, I want… I need you to know that Mia, like so many adoptees including me, had to constantly navigate statements from the agency, adopters, and non-adoptees like: “You sound so bitter and angry. You should be more grateful.” “Your life is so much better than if you’d grown up an orphan in South Korea.” “You don’t know how poor South Korea was.” “You’re so lucky to have been raised in the West. Your life is so much better.”
I need you to know… to feel… to somehow understand that no matter how emotionally or mentally strong or proactive we as adoptees are in advocating for ourselves, no matter how “perfect” some of our adoptive parents might be, these kinds of statements, which embody attitudes and perceptions of denial, dismissal, and diminishing, take a toll on our mental health. They are forms of what is now known as “gas lighting.” They can cause us to question our sanity, goodness, love, gratitude, self, and sense of worth. They make us feel like we really might be ungrateful, unloving human beings who should be good with not knowing our parents, our ancestral roots, language, or culture because: “We got to grow up in the ‘rich’ West.” These are things that no adoptee I have ever known, myself included, is truly equipped to handle, and yet the responsibility to do so, is always on us.
I think about how all of this must have worn Mia down. I think about how even though she knew on an intellectual level that her traumas were never her fault, she bore the emotional toll.
Dear Korea, when Mia took her life, your citizens did not wail aloud in the streets wearing black and white. The adoption agencies operating on your soil that to this day export children to the West for financial profit did not fall to their knees asking the gods and Mia’s soul for forgiveness.
The ones who were wailing, the ones left falling to their knees under the gut-wrenching sorrow and ache of Mia’s suicide were and remain the same ones who also live as survivors of adoption–us adoptees. You see, when any one of our 200,000 is lost to suicide or addiction or abuse, the loss is deep and the loss is a collective and a permanent one. Four years later, and I still feel the absence of her presence not just in my life, but also in this world.
I am writing you Korea, because it is imperative that you always remember that Mia’s decision to end her life was not her fault. Yes, she made that choice at the very end, but in so many ways that choice had been made for her the day her agency got their hands on her and sold and sent her away from your shores to her adopters.
是的，确实有可能，即使米娅能够在本应属于她的家庭和地方长大，她也会一直为自己的心理健康问题而苦苦挣扎。但是，我也有信心说，她很可能不会在 30 多岁时结束自己的生命，因为她不会有任何因被迫遗弃和收养而造成的创伤，无法承载她太大太美的心为了这个世界。
米娅死后，我不仅失去了一位亲爱的朋友，我们这些被收养者又失去了一位朋友，不管你能不能看到或不想看到——你，我亲爱的韩国，你失去了一个伟大的女人，一个伟大的创意头脑、伟大的朋友、伟大的女儿、伟大的姐妹、伟大的姑姑、伟大的伙伴、伟大的心和伟大的韩国人，她有潜力为您的文学、艺术和艺术的丰富性做出重大贡献文化。
但最重要的是，最亲爱的韩国，当米娅因她的机构对她造成的收养创伤和创伤而失去生命时，你失去了一个孩子。
海外韩国收养者人权核实保障国际会议 （英韩翻译，对韩国跨国收养者进行的最大规模研究的研究概述）
在印第安纳波利斯，我最近开始与禅宗禅师 Seung Sahn 创立的观音禅宗大乘佛教传承的僧伽一起练习禅修。我在印第安纳波利斯禅宗中心与一群修行者一起坐下来开始学习。修行包括坐禅和行禅、聆听禅宗佛法朗读以及在等候室参与轻松的佛法讨论。
在冥想练习中改变游戏规则的是我睁着眼睛冥想。我决定尝试并被它的功能和实用性所震撼。我是完全警觉的，而不是在我通常能找到内心平静的各种沉睡、微妙的冥想阶段中穿梭。我在闭着眼睛获得的正念中清醒，而推动我冥想的是，我在清醒的生活中立即培养正念，而不是闭上眼睛，在黑暗中做所有这些工作，然后将其与世界。
自从我最近搬到这个新城市以来，我一闭上眼睛就沉浸在活生生的悲伤中。在我的冥想中，我觉得它是一片凶猛、吞噬一切的海洋。而从中，我的心中有一种沉重感。我透过窗户上的雾气或污垢看透那种沉重。但它确实很清楚，这是我在瞬间清晰的瞬间实现的。然后我在当下感到非常生动，我完全没有头脑。我只是在我坐在的房间里醒着。
在我昨天的禅修中，我能够接受一位老师的采访。我在调解中提出了我的悲伤，并在它消失时提出了我的经历。
“它要去哪里？”老师问。
“它消失了，”我说。
“那你有一个选择，”他笑着说。
我描述了悲伤和沉重，它如何拉扯我并让我昏昏欲睡，以及悲伤和这种沉重的感觉如何模糊我的清晰度，寻求禅宗建议，让这些困难的感觉几乎像一个圆圈一样旋转。我说我对它有强烈的执着，我可能多年来在我的冥想中专注于它，使它变得更大，不知不觉地将我的思想集中在它身上并喂养它，但现在看看它如何在我身上徘徊睁开眼睛，我只能想象它会如何在不知不觉中影响我清醒的生活。所以，我很苦恼，因为这一切就像是背负了我一辈子的被收养人的业力，还好老师略知一二。
“从中学习，”他说，“当我体验到它时，我会感谢它。我感谢它给我的教训。”他在悲痛中描述了自己的人生经历，提到了一本书，书名是： 如何与你的恶魔做朋友，并说这对他来说确实消失了。
在这次谈话中，我突然燃起了希望。
“所以我可以尝试欣赏它的存在并继续练习，”我向他确认。
“你必须去感受它，”在我的禅宗访谈即将结束时，老师对我说。 “你必须拥有它。”我凝视着他，明白了即使悲伤也有修禅的方法。并且有一种方法可以拥有它并且不让它控制我的生活。
在我位于印第安纳波利斯的新公寓里，我睁着眼睛看着我今天生活中的悲伤和它造成的沉重，我正在记录它教给我的东西。尽管很难，但我会根据自己的观察向自己提出批判性问题。我没有完全专注于我的悲伤，而是给予空间来感谢它并感谢它在我的生活和清醒世界中的存在，以及它教会我的一切。从我的悲伤经历来看，它是一个受伤的、令人陶醉的伴侣，尤其是在我的菲律宾裔美国兄弟去年去世的时候。但我也意识到，我并没有通过欣赏悲伤并将其与内心的爱联系起来而放弃悲伤。
阅读 Desiree 之前的博客： 在一个新的城市继续前进
创伤 在采用资源
经过 保罗布莱恩托维，英国国内被收养者和才华横溢的艺术家，被收养者倡导者， 2022 年全球匿名收养者调查
昨天，我正在为另一张“Dogpache”与两只 Dogohawks 跳舞的线条图片添加阴影，后来发现我的身体和手臂都在发炎……
我对图像进行了多次迭代，它们通常会产生对被收养者感情的深刻影响。在我的案例中，核心创伤是在收养后虐待和使用儿童。
慢慢地，图像的长途跋涉回应了我的感受，也显示了我用来解决疼痛的新角度和棱镜。在我的治疗类型中，我现在可以随时进行，因为我退休了，我被训练让感受成为他们想成为的人。
所以我的双臂高高举起，变成了爪子，然后我生母的照片浮现在我的脑海里……我感觉就像一个孩子在抓她的脸。我在我的“图像球体”中做到了这一点并进入了空气..我很理性，很疯狂，这一切都很好..我有一个发达的创造性思维..
生母在我 3 岁时离开了我，那个核心区域被后来对我身体的滥用所包围。早在 1940 年生母 7 岁时，她就认识她留给我的那个人。无论如何，我感受到了痛苦的感觉，但是另一个棱镜从一张卡住的嘴里返回.. 低沉的语言。保持安全……什么都不说……尽管有说话的压力……
终于，疼痛从我的嚎叫嘴孩子洞里爆发出来，化为解决哭声，就像一个幽灵孩子在为妈妈嚎叫……这只是幼儿期巨大碎片领域中的另一个棱镜为我修复..它是如何修复的？通过存在和成为它自己..通过最终允许存在，进入存在本身..作为那个孩子的一部分而悲伤......这确实是被延迟的真相，但能够在治疗上重新体验......
疼吗？当它处于炎症阶段时是的……你打赌，因为身体隐藏着早期思想的一个古老的“谎言”，它仍然试图保护我免受恐惧......我现在不需要保护（可怜的自动大脑）事实上我需要成为我的全部.. 被我当成我.. 仅此而已..
现在我终于足够大了，可以再次年轻了，可以感受到我过去的各种事情，因为我的大脑已经发育成熟，可以容纳一切……这是一条回到感觉联系和那种形式的内在完整性的缓慢道路。我注意到虽然有必要发泄悲伤：“谁应该在那里但不在”......
这就是将未满足的需求（对妈妈）减少为可解决的悲伤和哭泣......“Mommmmeeeeeeee”......“HOwlllll”.. 我一直在缓慢地接受发生的事情，但发生的事情是经过许多痛苦扭曲的岁月.. 这就是为什么我仍然在艺术中与怪物交朋友，让他们哭泣，让风景也嚎叫 ..
OWWWWWLLLL OWWWWOOOOOO ......我喜欢嚎叫，它们释放了我早期被束缚在分离的情感监狱中的原始灵魂……我学会了像一个孩子一样悲伤，因为他不再悲伤了……我在这里……我已经到了……我的皮肤更好了，而且以一种更积极的方式感到悲伤，仅仅是因为悲剧是……
2023 年 1 月 30 日，一小群英国的跨国收养者参加了网络研讨会小组活动，与收养父母组织分享他们的想法和经验， 收养英国.
在本次网络研讨会中，您将见到从斯里兰卡收养的莎拉·希尔德、从厄瓜多尔收养的约书亚·阿斯普登、从巴西收养的艾玛·埃斯特雷拉、从中国收养的梅雷迪思·阿姆斯特朗和从香港收养的克莱尔·马丁。我们一起回答一些养父母在 收养英国 问。
观看网络研讨会，下面是时间码、关键信息和相关资源。
注意：如果在 Chrome 中观看，请单击“了解更多”按钮观看视频
00:20 介绍 来自 AdoptionUK
01:03 介绍 来自 ICAV 的 Lynelle
02:44 莎拉希尔德
03:35 克莱尔·马丁
05:34 梅雷迪思阿姆斯特朗
07:39 艾玛埃斯特雷拉
09:39 约书亚阿斯普登
12:17 寻找家人时如何保护自己免受诈骗 – 莱内尔
17:23 接近生活故事工作的技巧 – 梅雷迪思
20:54 如果您被出生国的家庭收养，您是否觉得生活会更好？
21:27 约书亚
24:56 艾玛
28:00 在开始跨国收养时，我们希望养父母知道什么？
28:24 克莱尔
32:25 梅雷迪思
35:12 莎拉
38:24 艾玛
40:24 约书亚
43:34 莱内尔
45:30 什么与您的传统最相关？
45:45 莎拉
48:23 克莱尔
49:30 约书亚
51:07 计划拜访寄养家庭，有什么技巧或提示来管理被收养者会出现的强烈情绪吗？
51:30 梅雷迪思
52:24 艾玛
54:25 莱内尔
56:24 乔结束和感谢
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经过 莱拉中号, 在美国长大的中国收养者
“你脖子上的钥匙是什么？” – 我收到这个问题的次数与我被问及我来自哪里的次数一样多。
我脖子上戴着一把金钥匙。我就这样戴了十年。
它说， ”团结就是爱，10.02.62” 一方面和 “公吨“ 在另一。
我妈妈是个叛逆者，决定和儿时最好的朋友一起逃学。他们在纽约市的街道上闲逛。他们找到了钥匙。他们试图找到它去的所有者/地方。然而，它被扔到了马路中间，所以他们没有成功。我妈和闺蜜一直以为是情人吵架。钥匙一气之下扔了。
快进到我妈妈收养我的时候。
小时候，我担心父母在约会之夜后不会回家找我。
我妈妈会说，“从这座塔上拿下这把金钥匙，随身携带。你睡觉的时候我们会在家，你可以在早上亲自给我。”这给了我安全感。就像我的妈妈和爸爸和我在一起并且会回来一样。
当我高中毕业时，我选择了在州外上大学。作为礼物，我妈妈把金钥匙串起来送给我作为礼物，作为永远和我在一起的承诺，我的妈妈和爸爸会一直在那里，在家里，等着我回家，钥匙在手（或脖子上，准确地说）。
一个关于情人节礼物的心形钥匙的小故事。 
经过 卡米纳厅, 美国黑人、跨种族、后来发现的收养者
They say it’s their right, their right to create and own a life,
Interestingly enough, this is a perception as old as buying a wife.
Are we nothing more than cattle, to be traded and sold?
Or we are the light of the Universe, sent through her womb, more precious than gold?
Interesting the amount of studying and toiling that goes into obtaining degrees,
Yet, when forming life any and everyone is allowed to do as they please.
Change your mind, wrong color, or simply too young?
With the swipe of a pen, that new soul changes hands, and their life comes undone.
I knew your heartbeat, your voice, your smell, all before I ever saw your face,
Though their arms might have attempted to replace you, no one ever took your place.
There was a dark empty yawning void in my soul I never knew existed,
Drugs, sex, alcohol, and self-sabotage; still the madness persisted.
Firmly we declare, you can’t own a life, and creating it isn’t your right,
The soul is simply in your care, on loan from the Universe, until it can fight its own fight.
Take seriously the implications and ripples you drop into the pond of life when creating,
Children we are for only a moment, adulting sees us with mounds of trauma sedating.
您可以在她的 Youtube 频道上关注 Kamina – 科奇卡米娜
Read Kamina’s other guests posts at ICAV:
Healing as a Transracial Adoptee
你的悲伤是你的礼物
经过 莱内尔朗, Vietnamese ex-adoptee raised in Australia, Founder of ICAV
I can officially now say, “I WAS adopted” as in, it is of the past. Now, my identity changes once again and I am no longer legally plenary adopted. I am my own person having made a clear and cognitive adult age decision that I want to be legally free of the people who looked after me since 5 months old. Mostly, I wanted to be legally recognised as my biological mother’s child and for the truth to be on my birth certificate and flowing into all my identity documents for the future. This also impacts my children and their future generations to ensure they do not have to live the lie of adoption either, but are entitled to their genetic truth of whom they are born to, multi generationally.
The biggest lie of plenary adoption is that we are “as if born to our adoptive parents”. My Australian birth certificate reflects this lie. I grew tired of the untruths of adoption so I decided to take matters into my own hands and empower myself. Nine months later, on 13 December 2022, I was officially discharged from my adoption order which had been made when I was 17 years old. Previous to this, I had been flown into Australia by my adoptive father at the age of 5 months old in December 1973 and the family kept me with them for 17 years without legally completing my adoption. So technically, I was legally under the care of the Lutheran Victorian adoption agency and Immigration Minister’s care as my guardians until my adoption got completed in April 1990. These institutions however didn’t seem to followup on me nor did they create a State Ward file on me. It is still a mystery to this day how I was barely followed up on, given they knew quite clearly that my adoption had not been finalised.
My case is very unusual in that most adoptive parents want to quickly complete the adoption so they can be officially regarded as the child’s “legal guardians”. I have no idea why my adoptive parents took so long and what baffles me is how they managed to pass as my “parents” at schools, hospitals, or any places where there should be a question around “who is this child’s parents” when they had nothing formal on paper to prove their “parenthood”. It’s quite obvious I can’t be their “born to” child when I am Asian and they are white caucasians. We look nothing alike and they raised me in rural areas where I was often the only non-white, non-Aboriginal looking person.
So as this year closes, I can celebrate that my year of 2022 has been a year of empowerment in so many ways. On November 2022, I was also recognised for my years of suffering by being offered the maximum compensation, counselling and a direct personal response under the Royal Commission for Institutional Sexual Abuse Redress Scheme by the two entities responsible for me – the Lutheran Church (the Victorian adoption agency) and the Department of Home Affairs (Australian Immigration). The past 5 years I’ve spent talking to countless lawyers, trying to find a way to hold institutions accountable for my placement with a family who should never have received any vulnerable child. Finally, in some small way, I am able to hold these institutions somewhat accountable and be granted a face to face meeting as a direct personal response via the Redress Scheme. What I want them to recognise is the significant responsibility they hold to keep children safe. It is still hard to fathom how any country can allow children in with parents who look nothing like them, clearly having no biological connections, no paperwork, yet not take all precautions to ensure these children are not being trafficked. I am yet to finish with that larger issue of being highly suspicious that my adoption was an illegal one, if not highly illicit. Our governments need to be on higher alert, looking out for all signs of trafficking in children and ensuring that these children are followed up on and that they have indeed been relinquished by their parents before being allowed into another country with people who are nothing alike.
My case in the Redress Scheme also highlights the many failings of the child protection system that is supposed to protect vulnerable children like me. If I’d been adopted by the family as they should have done, I would never have been allowed this compensation or acknowledgement through the Redress Scheme. It is a significant failing of the system that those who are deemed legally “adopted” are not considered to be under “institutional care” when these very institutions are the ones who place us and deem our adoptive families eligible to care for us. I wrote about this some years ago when I was frustrated that I hadn’t been able to participate in the Royal Commission for Institutional Sexual Abuse. Thankfully, a kind lawyer and fellow sufferer as a former foster child, Peter Kelso was the one who gave me free legal advice and indicated the way through the Royal Commission labyrinth. He helped me understand my true legal status as “not adopted” at the time of my sexual abuse and it is this truth that helped my case for redress via the free legal services of Knowmore. So it’s a bitter sweet outcome for me as I know of too many fellow adoptees who have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of their adoptive families. Most will never receive any sense of recognition for their suffering and the pathway to hold individuals criminally accountable is also tough if not impossible, depending on the country and laws. In most other countries except Australia, the statute of limitations prevents most victims of sexual abuse from seeking justice. I know from personal experience that it can take survivors 40 plus years to get to the stage of being strong enough to take this route of fighting for justice. More so for an adoptee who lives their life being expected to be “grateful” for adoption and being afraid of further abandonment and rejection should they speak their truth. For some, they never ever talk about their truth as the trauma is just too great and they are busy just surviving. I know of others where the abuse played a major role in their decision to suicide.
I am 2 years into the midst of criminal proceedings against my adoptive family. Next year begins the court contested hearings and who knows what the outcome of that will be nor how long it will go for. I talk about this only to encourage other victims to empower themselves, fight for that inner child who had no-one to protect them! For me, this is what it is all about. I spent years in therapy talking about how none of the adults in my life protected me and even after I exposed the abuse, none of those in professions where child protection is part of their training and industry standard, offered to help me report the perpetrators or take any action to hold them accountable. I finally realised the only one who would ever stand up for myself, was myself. Yes, it has meant I end the relationship with that family, but what type of relationship was it anyway? They were more interested in keeping things quiet and protecting themselves then protecting or creating a safe space for me. I eventually realised I could no longer continue to live the multiple lies both adoption and sexual abuse within that family required. Eventually, I had to chose to live my truth which ultimately meant holding them responsible for the life they’d chosen and created for themselves and me.
I hope one day to also hold institutions accountable for the illegal and illicit aspects of my adoption and once I’m done with that, then I’ll feel like I’ve truly liberated myself from adoption.
Until then, I continue to fight with the rest of my community for this last truth of mine. So many of us should never have been separated from our people, country, culture, language. We lose so much and there is absolutely no guarantee we get placed with families who love, nurture, and uphold us and our original identities.
The legal concept of plenary adoption is truly an outdated mode of care for a vulnerable child and its premise and legal concept needs to be heavily scrutinised in an era of human and child’s rights awareness. I agree there will always be the need to care for vulnerable children, children who can’t be with their families, but it is time we walk into future learning from the harms of the past and making it better for the children in the future. My lifelong goal is always for this because adoptees are the ones who spend so many of our years having no voice, having no independent people checking up on us. Adopted children are so vulnerable! Too often the assumption is made that adoption is a great benefit for us and this oversight impedes a serious deep dive into the risks to our well being and safety. In my case and too many others, it isn’t until we are well into our 40s and onwards that we find our critical thinking voices and allow ourselves to say what we truly know without fear of rejection and abandonment. Plenary adoption needs to be outlawed and 简单的领养 should only be a temporary solution for a temporary problem. Any form of adoption should always be the choice of the adoptee to have their adoption undone and allowed to return to be legally connected to their original families, if that is what they want.
May we continue to bring awareness and much needed change to our world so that vulnerable children will be given a better chance in the future and to empower our community of adoptee survivors!
I wish for all in my community that 2023 will be a year of empowerment, truth and justice!
In 澳大利亚, each State and Territory has its own process to discharge:
VIC, QLD, NSW, WA, SA
This process includes costs that vary between States. All Australian intercountry adoptees can seek the Bursary amount of $500 from our ICAFSS Small Grants and Bursaries to contribute to the costs of their discharge. Domestic adoptees might also access Small Grants and Bursaries via their local equivalent Relationships Australia program too.
Adoptee Rights Australia has extra info on Discharging your Adoption and what it means legally, plus a quick run down on the main points of difference between the States of Australia
Australian domestic adoptee, Katrina Kelly has a FB group Adoption Reversal for adoptees needing help with their adoption discharge
Australian domestic adoptee, Darryl Nelson has a book about annulling his adoption in QLD: A timeline of the injustice of adoption law. He also participated in an SBS Insight program with this article: How I rediscovered my birth family and annulled my adoption
Australian domestic adoptee, William Hammersley’s Last Wish: Give me back my true identity, says adopted man
丹麦 intercountry adoptee Netra Sommer: 取消收养
丹麦 和 荷兰: 3 Ethiopian Adoptions Annulled – a wake up call
英国 adoptee activist Paul Rabz’s FB group for Adoption Annulment Group for Adoptee Activists (note, in the UK it’s legally not possible yet to annul your adoption as an adoptee)
美国
Adoptees United: Examining the Right to end your own Adoption (webinar)
Can you Reverse an Adoption? Reversing an Adoption: Adopted child returned to birth parents (historically, legislation in countries to discharge / reverse an adoption was included to allow adoptive parents the right to undo the adoption if they felt it wasn’t working out)
HCCH – Hague Intercountry Adoption Convention : information collected from Central Authorities to summarise countries that allow annulment and revocation of adoption
Lifelong impacts of Abuse in Adoption (Chamila)
滥用收养的遗产和影响 (3 part series)
Research: Child Sexual Abuse by Caretakers
Professional Support: Relationships Australia – Child Sexual Abuse Counselling
Peer Support: Me Too Survivor Healing
USA: Sexual Abuse Lawsuits – Your Legal Questions Answered (parts 1 – 3, podcast)
经过 斯蒂芬妮·唐熙·金, 从 Sth Korea 领养到荷兰。
除了合法恢复我的出生姓氏，我还花了很多精力完成恢复韩国公民身份的申请。
韩国政府自 2011 年起允许双重国籍，主要针对被收养者。必须在韩国首尔的移民局现场提交申请。据认为，这对许多被收养者来说是一个很大的障碍，因为去韩国旅行并不便宜，也不太容易组织。
自 2021 年以来，程序发生了变化，现在可以在您所在国家/地区的韩国大使馆提交申请。一位韩国被收养者去年第一次这样做，其他几个人也效仿了他的做法。
这条路走下去并不容易，但至少韩国政府给了我们这个机会。这有望成为确保和支持被收养者权利的第一步：平衡我们与生俱来的权利以及我们在养育我们的国家作为被收养者获得的权利的权利。
非常感谢我的好朋友和收养人的支持，也感谢我的翻译的耐心和帮助。我很幸运，也很感激我很棒的韩国家庭，他们接受了我作为他们中的一员，即使我有奇怪的欧洲行为和不熟悉的习惯。在我让我的韩国血液流动得更旺盛的过程中，他们一直支持我。
大多数情况下，我对我的 #ncym 'blije ei'（对不起，我想不出合适的英文翻译）Willem 感到非常满意，他从不评判我，也不怀疑我的感受、渴望和愿望。谁和我一起跳飞机去见我的家人，享受我祖国的美食。
这肯定是一条崎岖不平的道路，因为沿途无疑会有更多的官僚障碍。
我希望我能回到我妈妈的户口簿上，在我的 3 个姐妹之后排在第 4 位，在我们的本杰明兄弟之上。希望它能治愈我妈妈看到我的名字被列入她的名册时心中的愧疚感和遗憾。
在荷兰政府允许我更改我的姓氏之前，我可能会获得韩国公民身份，这感觉有点奇怪。总有一些官僚系统凌驾于另一个之上，对吧？
