adoptee experience | InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)

6月 19, 20235月 24, 2023

Searching for my family in the Philippines

The following blog series will be dedicated to our 搜索跨国收养 series. These individual stories are being shared from our 透视纸 that was also shared with our Webinar, Searching in Intercountry Adoption by Adoptee Experts..

经过 西瑞丸, born in the Philippines, raised in the USA

I was born in destitute poverty in the Philippines in 1985 and hence relinquished to an adoption agency on the day that I was born. I was taken care of at Asilo de la Milagrosa, in the care of Catholic nuns who were social workers at the time, and adopted via Holt International to the USA when I was about two years old. I did not know my adoptive parents, nor did they come out to the Philippines to get to know me. My name legally changed, and I was flown from an airplane and delivered to Caucasian strangers that were my legally binding family.

I grew up in Wisconsin, in the Midwest, and had an adopted brother, who was two years older than me, who was also adopted from the Philippines, from a different orphanage. We grew up not being taught about the Philippines. We grew up with a lack of pride or understanding of our home culture, heritage, customs and language. Instead we were heavily assimilated into the Western culture; we were asked a few times about our culture from our adoptive parents but it wasn’t enough support to keep us connected to our home traditions.

Barriers included a lack of being informed from our adoptive parents about our homeland, ancestry and we also lacked emotional-psychological support for intercountry adoptees in the Midwest at the time. I vaguely remember a time when my adoptive mother sat me down in the living room, back in Wisconsin, she told me I was adopted, and I said, “I know,” and walked out of the living room. I went back to my bedroom to be by myself. That’s the tone of my childhood, where I was showing like I didn’t care when in fact, the whole experience was difficult for me. But I didn’t know how to reach out or talk about it to anybody.

My brother had a lot of issues and we moved to Arizona in high school to try to start over as a family. This is a time when my adoptive mother came into my bedroom and showed me my biological papers. She said she had to wait until I was 18 to give these to me, but I was close enough to the age, or something along those lines. She left, and I looked at them and I cried. I saw the name of my birth mother, and I longed to know more about her.

I imagined my birth mother a lot in those days. I wrote poetry, and it was never enough to fill the gap and missing pieces of my heart.

Obstacles in searching at the time was that my biological papers, which had been established by social workers in the Philippines, didn’t preserve much of any functional information for independently searching for family members or family history. These biological papers lacked any kind of suitable, identifiable information that preserved in any way my heritage and family tree information, which would be necessary to piece together my past without needing the very individuals to re-establish the knowledge of my heritage.

My biological papers revealed next to nothing about my father, which later on, I would find that the information that was volunteered by my birth mother was also false. But as a teenager, when all I have are these old, governmentally-certified papers from my home country, that’s all that I had. So these old-fashioned, brittle documents were my only hope, which were papers that scarcely were able to certify my birth on thin, fragile paper. I had a feeding schedule from my orphanage and a mighty, descriptive report of what I looked like and acted like as a vulnerable baby in the orphanage. And that was all I had of my entire past. These artefacts showed I was just a product of the adoption process.

I finally decided to pursue a reunion when I was in my mid-twenties. I discovered that Holt International actually had a search and reunion department, so I emailed them, and started the process. They reached out to my old orphanage, Asilo de la Milagrosa, and the kind social workers there had found my files. They also went themselves to the address of my birth mother, and thankfully, she still lived there. From that point, they coordinated with her.

I planned a trip to the Philippines with barely enough funds to cover this at the time. It was difficult because my adoptive mother wasn’t supportive at all, and nobody from my adoptive family supported me either. But in a few months, I was able to create an itinerary. I was to leave Seattle, to the Philippines, and I was given a place to stay with the Intercountry Adoption Board of the Philippines, and later, Asilo de la Milegrosa had guest quarters too.

The cost of a reunion is plenty. The cost of travel is hefty. But the main cost to consider is the toll of what you’re undergoing psychologically and emotionally. You’ve spent all your life fabricating an identity away from this place, and now you’re returning, and you’re having to break out of that safety net to acknowledge and face parts of your past that had been concealed all this time. So it is disruptive to the security in our lives. It is a risk one takes as well, because you don’t know the results, and how you’ll process the experience post-reunion either.

The outcome of this search was that I was unknowingly able to have a reunion granted for me, with my birth mother and half-birth brother, due to all of these circumstances leading up to this being uniquely favourable and available to me at the time.

My reunion was in 2012, and it is now 2023 and I’m living on my own in Indiana. My adopted brother recently passed away last year, homeless on the streets of the Philippines, in 2022. He lacked much needed support throughout his whole life, which will always weigh on me, and I miss him everyday. I don’t talk with my adoptive family anymore, although I had kept in touch with my adoptive parents and grandparents mainly. I just have one surviving adoptive grandfather now as well, so life has changed even in their circumstances.

After experiencing the whole search and reunion process, I do have my own perspectives to share. I think what is needed is that every adoption company and governmental organisation should have a search and reunion department for all adoptees to utilise.

Every adoption agency and birth country of an orphaned or vulnerable child should be collecting all of their biographical information including family trees and family members, so that they can have the knowledge of their past to utilise for their own personal purposes. Adoptees should have a right to have their family history preserved and safeguarded, administratively. Their biographical information, including birth information and birth records, needs to be preserved as best as possible, and social workers should make sure that all information is accurate and not in fact made up.

This biographical information is what holds the last of an adoptee’s own cultural identity and historical background, and even medically, this is paramount. This information could give a sense of security and psychological support if anything, which could save society a lot of issues in the long run. It would hold well in the search and reunion process because the more information adoptees are given, the more options adoptees have for meeting or getting to know their home countries in ways that are comfortable for them.

Supportive resources include the adoption agencies free search and reunion administrative support, biological paper filing and holding for the adoptee; it is giving an adoptee full access to their records at any time as well. Intercountry adoption boards or agencies of the home country, and the orphanage that the adoptee was cared for at, all need to be officially accountable. They all need to have proper records of the vulnerable child, and proper process and procedures for the search and reunion. Support should be accessible on a regular basis.

There should be rapid communication readily available for adoptees today such as having proper email addresses, current phone numbers and customer service at hand. Support should be granted such as places to stay when the adoptee visits the home country and on a reunion; they should be informed of the reunion process, given counselling support, translator support, and if someone can document the reunion for the adoptee, that could help too.

Now in 2023, after all these years of living life, pursuing therapies, working and becoming the owner of my own life, I’ve decided to start a new chapter of my search and reunion by requesting a MyHeritage DNA Kit for starting an initial search for biological relatives, and to also learn about my DNA heritage, and where I come from. This DNA kit was free due to the program in place recently, which was why I’d participated in requesting this kit.

The difference in this is that before, I would say, I experienced more of a direct line to my poverty-stricken past at Asilo de la Milagrosa, where in my mid-twenties, I met my birth mother and half birth-brother in 2012. Now, it is simply nice to search in a more discovery-toned, self-paced way, versus having to respond to a critical need to grasp the truth of what happened to me as a vulnerable baby and understand why my mother gave me up when I was born.

In this DNA search, I don’t have to ask too many hard questions, although even to this day, some questions can still linger in my mind from time to time: Why didn’t my biological family contact me all this time? Why wasn’t I able to mend the fabric of my biological family history at a certain point in my life? And, why did my past have to be such a void?

Coming Next: Searching for my family in Sri Lanka

资源

Search and Reunion in Intercountry Adoption

6月 4, 20235月 24, 2023

在越南寻找我的家人

经过 Huyen Friedlander, born in Vietnam, raised in the USA

On Sunday, I learned that my birthfather had died. I’m still sifting through how that feels, a unique kind of loss of a parent. Even though we reunited over 20 years ago, there was still a lot left unspoken, and maybe a lot that we didn’t know or understand about each other. We met in-person twice. The first time was shortly after 9/11. I had his contact information for almost a year, but I wasn’t ready to reach out. Knowing that he lived in New Jersey, so close to NYC where the towers fell, I felt a sense of urgency that I shouldn’t waste any more time. I called on a Friday night. I left a voicemail that my name was Huyen and that I thought he had been a friend of my family in Viet Nam. The next morning, he returned my call.

In the first few seconds of our conversation, I said my name again, said who my birthmother was and said, “I think you may be my birthfather.” Immediately, without any hesitation, he said, “I think I am, too.” That was an enormous gift to me. No denial. No defensiveness. “I thought you and your mother had died.”

He had been told by an army connection that my mother had died trying to make it to Thailand, and that I had died in the Babylift crash. He said he had wanted to marry my birthmother, but wasn’t allowed to because her family had originally been from the North.

It felt so surreal to finally have this information, a little window into what had happened. Within a few weeks, I was headed to the East Coast with my adoptive father, my husband and my 17-month-old son in tow. I was about two months pregnant with my daughter at the time. My birthfather and his wife greeted us at a restaurant, with a hug and flowers in hand. After dinner, they were gracious and invited us home for cannoli and a chance to visit more.

At the house, I was excited to meet my half-sister, who was also the mother of a young son. My birthfather brought out a photograph of me, probably at about 2 years old, a pristine copy of a tattered photo that my birthmother’s sister had held on to for 20 years in Viet Nam. We never did DNA testing; this picture that they had both saved was proof enough. My birthfather also gave me a gold cross that my birthmother had given to him before he left Viet Nam, to protect him on his way home. Similarly, when my birthmother took me to the Friends of the Children of Viet Nam in Saigon to relinquish me, she had put a St. Christopher’s medallion on a string and tied it tight around my neck, to protect me in my new life. Giving me the photograph and the cross felt generous and thoughtful.

Over the next decade, we checked in periodically by letters or telephone. By the time we would meet in person again, I was widowed, a single mother of two young adolescent children. Having lost my husband, I again felt some urgency in making sure that my kids would meet their biological grandfather. And again, my birthfather was gracious in saying yes to my request. Our visit was sweet and the kids thought he and his wife were fun and kind. Before we left, my birthfather gifted us with an ornate serving set that he had brought back with him from Viet Nam.

Following that visit, much of our communication happened through Facebook, with occasional comments on each other’s posts. Facebook allowed us to see aspects of each other’s lives in a very natural way. I got a tiny idea of his sense of humour, his love of fishing and model trains. Facebook also happens to be the primary way that I maintain contact with my birthmother; we FaceTime and she sees my posts and photographs.

I didn’t want to post anything about my birthfather’s death on Facebook until I had the opportunity to FaceTime my birthmother in Viet Nam to let her know. During that initial visit with my birthfather in 2001, he told my dad that my birthmother had been his first love. This was a gift to hear, even knowing the sad outcome for them, because in some way it validated my birthmother’s faith that he would come back for us. She waited for eight years.

In my reunion video with my birthmother (five years before I found my birthfather), we are sitting at my grandparents’ dining room table. She is beaming at me, with an arm around me, and laughing, she says, “Beaucoup love made you! Yeah, beaucoup love made you.” When she looked at me, she saw him. She’d point to my features and say, “Same! Same!” It seemed to bring her joy, to see him in my face.

I was nervous to call her tonight to tell her the news. I asked my dear friend Suzie to join the call to help translate. I spoke in English, “My birthfather has died. X died. I am so sorry.” And immediately, she let out a mournful cry. Even though my birthmother eventually married and had five more children—the foundation and joy of her life—my birthfather held a special place in her heart as her first love. For a year in their young lives, they had loved each other a lot.

Suzie helped to translate the details that I’ve heard before. It was wartime. There was nothing they could do to be together. 50 years later, my birthfather’s passing is a loss to my birthmother. As a devout Catholic, she is praying for him now. There was a lot I didn’t know about my birthfather, and I would still like to know more, but I can also be at peace with what I know.

For now, I’m staying grounded in the gratitude that I feel for having found him, gratitude that he recognised me, and gratitude for the opportunities that I had to connect with him and his family. I’m saying a prayer for his wife and family as they navigate this loss.

Coming Next: Searching for my family in South Korea

资源

Search and Reunion in Intercountry Adoption

5月 25, 20235月 19, 2023

在哥伦比亚寻找我的家人

经过 Jose Taborda, born in Colombia, raised in the USA

First journal entry by my adoptive mother

In the spring of 1978, I was born in Medellin, Colombia. Separated from my first family by adoption, I was brought by my adoptive parents to New Jersey and grew up with my younger adoptive sister in a Northern New Jersey suburb just outside of New York City.

I was lucky as an adoptee because my adoptive parents made a conscious decision to talk to me about my adoption from an early age. They attended a couple of workshops about adopting a child offered by an adoption agency prior to my adoption where they had been counselled to inform me as soon as possible about my adoption so as to normalise it for me. This advice informed their approach in terms of collecting information and artefacts of my adoption. This included stories of my adoption in Colombia in the form of journal entries written by my adoptive mother, a photograph of my first mother, and my adoption records containing identifying information about my first mother.

Upon refection, it wasn’t just luck and good advice, my parents were compassionate people who made the decision to share what they knew about my origins with me throughout my life. They had the right instincts that led them not only to send me a dossier containing every artefact about my adoption while I was in college and I first expressed an interest in searching, but also to support my search when I began.

When I moved to New York City in my mid-twenties, I started searching. At the time, I had a Yahoo! Email account and noticed that it offered searchable interest groups. There was a group called Colombian Adoptee Search and Support (CASAS), which gathered many people like me: twenty-something Colombian adoptees who grew up around New York City and living in the area! I was shocked to find hundreds of people who were sharing resources about searching, so I started making connections and attending meetups and dinners in Brooklyn and Manhattan where we enjoyed sharing stories and Latino fare.

Through these meetups, I had gotten the contact information of a private investigator in Medellin with whom I started to interact about my search. Because I had identifying information about my first mother, it took him two weeks to find her. A couple weeks after that, I had my first phone call with her. As one can imagine, finding my first mother within a month of beginning my search was all a whirlwind and very overwhelming. My excitement got the best of me, and I dove right into making plans for a reunion. Well, all of this came as a shock to my adoptive mother and sister, who weren’t as excited as me. They felt threatened by my news. I remember spending a lot of time convincing them that I wasn’t trying to replace them, but rather, it would be an opportunity to learn about my origins. They were not convinced that it was so simple. Searching for first family by adoptees may bring up many past trauma wounds for all members of the adoption constellation. I have heard stories of adoptees shying away from doing any searching while their adoptive parents are still alive due to the raw emotions around adoption that are very rarely acknowledged and dealt with during an adoptive family’s time living together. And when the possibility of a reunion arises, adoptees may find themselves having to reckon with these complicated emotions. This reckoning is not our responsibility as adoptees, but it may be an unanticipated and unwelcome reality that adoptees must face when searching and reuniting with first family.

Coincidentally, the film “Las Hijas” was going to be screened. It was timely that Maria Quiroga, a local filmmaker, was releasing the film profiling three female Colombian adoptees and their reunions with first family. So I invited my mother and sister to join me. It was an interesting experience because the filmmaker handled the subject matter responsibly in presenting the reality of how complicated reunions between adoptees and first family can be. It helped to see this objective perspective on the emotionally charged situation that was playing out for us. It provided a context for our sensitive conversations, and it helped us to understand that we were not the only ones experiencing the feelings we were. Despite all of that, we continued to have conversations that required my soothing their frayed feelings around my upcoming reunion.

One thing that stands out for me now sixteen years later as I reflect on my reunion as a young man, is that I did not pursue any mental health support to guide me on that complicated endeavour. In my local adoptee community, the discussion was more centred on the topic of search and reunion in my memory and not as much on adoption mental health issues. However, I acknowledge there is a high likelihood my antenna wasn’t tuned to that particular signal, so to speak. More recently, I have read a lot of highly-respected literature about adoption and mental health including 原始伤口 by Nancy Verrier and Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton to name a couple of outstanding examples. I am a regular listener to adoptee podcasts including 被收养者 with host Haley Radke and Adapted with host Kaomi Lee among others. I have met many adoptees and I am lucky to live close to an adoptee organization called Also Known As, Inc. that hosts meet ups for transracial, intercountry adoptees. Wise adoptees and adoption professionals these days counsel adoptees who are engaged in reunion to set some boundaries that include having a third-party present during reunion meetings, not staying with first family right away, and pursuing therapy before, during, and after reunion. I did none of those things.

All of this gathering of resources and self-education on the intersection of adoption and mental health has demonstrated to me that I took a very impetuous, uninformed, and quite risky path on my reunion journey. I stayed with my first mother and her family for three weeks at their home in an outlying municipality of Medellin. I do have very positive memories from my first visit in 2006 that led me to return in the two subsequent years. However, somewhere down the line some members of my first family started to develop expectations that involved money. It was not much at first, but, with time, their boldness grew. This expectation made me uncomfortable because I didn’t want to have to explain to any of them that I am a professional in a field that is not very highly-compensated. To them, I was just the more fortunate one who was able to escape their humble circumstances. No matter how difficult my personal situation was, they are right that I had many more opportunities in the U.S. than they did in Colombia, but I did not feel that it was my responsibility to have to provide for them. I wanted to just get to know them knowing that it would take time to develop a family bond. Truly, I faced hard feelings when they asked for money and that made things very confusing for me. While I know that my experience is not unique, I wished that it wasn’t part of my reunion story. At some point, I stopped contacting them because it all became too much for me. This is where an intervention such as adoption-focused therapy would have been helpful.

Some years passed and I turned the page on my adoption by quite literally ceasing to think about my adoption and pausing all the actions I had taken to learn about my origins during my twenties. I turned thirty, I got married and became a new father, and I wanted to focus on my new family in Brooklyn. I was also in graduate school, so juggling responsibilities was the theme starting in 2010. Since that time, a lot has changed.

Nowadays, I am divorced, I am co-parenting a budding teenager, and I have settled into a career as a college educator. As I moved into middle-age, I became more introspective, and I found myself interrogating some difficult feelings that felt like depression and anxiety. When I realised that I did not have easy answers to that line of inquiry, I began searching for ways to remove barriers to happiness that had started showing up. It started to dawn on me that my adoption may be the cause of some of my bad decisions in life and the source of a feeling of malaise that crept in every now and again. I remember once sitting on a beach in the Rockaways with my best friend and confidant of many years and reflecting out loud that I should look into therapy for adoption to try to answer some nagging questions.

About six months after that conversation in 2021, I got around to doing some basic internet searching and was amazed by what I found. There was so much work that had been done in the intervening years since I started my search. As I previously mentioned, I went down a path of self-education, I engaged in some adoption-focused group therapy, and I have been attending online and in-person support groups made up of adoptees since that discovery. I have learned so much about myself and adoption since I started to reconnect to my adopted-self. Some of it has been difficult, but I am very happy to have opened myself up to feel, meditate, inquire, grieve, and build community. It is cliche, but I wish I knew during my reunion and prior what I know now.

In short, I hope that adoptees who are on the bold path of searching and reuniting with first family will take careful, well-informed steps. I know from my experience that there are no easy answers, and reunion may be when many hard questions rise to the surface. However, that search for the discovery and recovery of self and identity is worth it all because even if one does not find first family, there is so much to learn about oneself along the way.

I hope that adoptees take the time to explore all of the particular intersections of adoption and mental health including, but not limited to, the Primal Wound theory, the post-traumatic stress implications of adoption, ambiguous loss, and the Adoptee Consciousness Model. Most definitely read the two books by Verrier and Lifton previously mentioned. Check out Damon Davis’ podcast Who Am I Really?, and the two others previously mentioned. Read JaeRan Kim’s brilliant blog Harlow’s Monkey. If looking for a therapist in the U.S., check out Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker’s adoptee therapist directory curated on her website Grow Beyond Words. If one does not have the money to pursue therapy, there are plenty of books, podcasts, and support groups that could provide information and resources helpful in informing decisions around searching, finding, and reunion with first family. Just start checking out all of the amazing resources on Lynelle Long’s comprehensive treasure of a website 跨国收养者的声音. Search on Facebook for a group you can join that holds online support groups, or, even better, search for a local group in your area to meet up in person with adoptees. A great place to search for a local group in the USA is on Pamela A. Karanova’s website Adoptees Connect.

The above is just a cursory glance at some of the most salient resources I have found that have nourished my soul as I step into more consciousness about my adoption on my journey of self-discovery. My greatest hope is that someone reading these words may find something in them to hold onto.

Coming Next: 寻找我在中国的家人

资源

Search and Reunion in Intercountry Adoption

5月 20, 20235月 19, 2023

被收养者专家搜索跨国收养网络研讨会

2023 年 4 月 23 日，ICAV 举办了一场小组网络研讨会，为您带来了我们在世界各地的搜索专家的专业知识，分享了他们关于在跨国收养中进行搜索时应考虑哪些因素的最佳智慧之言。他们直接代表来自斯里兰卡、埃塞俄比亚、韩国、海地、哥伦比亚和希腊的收养组织。

在这里观看网络研讨会：
注意：如果在 Chrome 中观看，请单击“了解更多”按钮观看视频

时间码

对于那些时间不够并想跳到相关部分的人，这里有一个时间码可以提供帮助：

00:20 介绍，欢迎，目的
04:30 嘉宾介绍
04:39 玛西娅恩格尔
06:48 丽贝卡Payot
09:29 乔纳斯·德西尔
10:25 琳达卡罗尔特罗特
12:55 凯拉柯蒂斯
15:22 希尔布兰德韦斯特拉
17:44 Benoit Vermeerbergen
21:00 席琳·法斯勒

问题和答案

23:28 一般搜索过程涉及什么？ – 凯拉
27:30 被收养人需要准备什么？ – 琳达，玛西娅
35:51 结果是什么？ – 乔纳斯、凯拉、琳达
46:50 可能遇到的一些障碍？ – 丽贝卡，琳达
56:51 需要考虑哪些道德规范？ – 玛西娅、凯拉
1:06:40 搜索费用应该是多少？ – 丽贝卡、琳达、塞林
1:11:46 谁值得信任？希尔布兰德，乔纳斯
1:16:16 DNA检测需要考虑哪些问题？ – 伯努瓦
1:19:18 DNA 检测会产生什么结果？ – 伯努瓦
1:20:40 你推荐什么DNA测试？伯努瓦，玛西娅
1:23:51 使用领养者主导的搜索组织有哪些优势？ – 塞林，玛西娅
1:28:28 成为受信任的政府资助的搜索组织涉及什么？ – 塞林
1:30:36 政府最需要什么来帮助我们寻找被收养者？ – 希尔布兰德，玛西娅

关键信息摘要

点击这里对于我们的pdf 关键信息 来自每个小组成员

资源

非常感谢 26 位收养者愿意分享他们的寻找经验，以便其他人能够获得更深入的了解。它们代表了13个出生国（中国、哥伦比亚、印度、马来西亚、摩洛哥、秘鲁、菲律宾、罗马尼亚、俄罗斯、韩国、斯里兰卡、泰国、越南）的经验，被送往9个收养国（澳大利亚、比利时、加拿大、法国）、德国、苏格兰、瑞典、英国、美国）。

ICAV 最新的 Perspective Paper 搜索跨国收养

有关更多资源，请参阅我们的寻找与重逢页

4月 3, 20234月 4, 2023

亲爱的爸爸妈妈

经过 仁埃瑟林顿, 出生为原住民加拿大人并被澳大利亚家庭收养

亲爱的爸爸妈妈，

你离开这个星球已经34年了 .我多么希望我的一生都能遇见你。我不确定你最后一次见到我是什么时候。我敢肯定你不认为这是你最后一次见到我。我知道你们知道我的结局。我知道爸爸认识收养我的爸爸。

Kerry 和 Steve（妈妈和爸爸）是您见过的最了不起的两个人。我相信他们和你们一样，几乎被他们遇到的每一个人所喜爱。我三岁时从克里和史蒂夫那里得到了一个弟弟。他的名字叫乔什，我们小时候相处得很好。我们很少吵架。我喜欢认为这是我们个性的完美结合，也是由克里和史蒂夫抚养长大的。

你会很高兴知道我有一个美好的童年。我 7 岁时，我们有了另一个弟弟，名叫布罗迪。 BroBro 和我更像，因为我们都更善于交际，也更外向。乔什、布罗迪和我相处得很好。克里和史蒂夫以伟大的价值观抚养我们长大。我们在澳大利亚东海岸的 Theravada 冥想中心附近长大并搬家。我在那里遇到了一些很棒的孩子，我认为他们是表亲。我想如果我被收养了，我也可以收养我自己的家人。

我在童年时期遇到过一些困难，包括对种族主义的无情欺凌以及物化。无论我去哪里，它总是由一个名叫“约翰诺”的孩子 .我很幸运身边有坚强的朋友帮助我不让它毁了我的个性。

在我们成长的过程中，几乎每个假期都和全家一起度过，因为对他们来说，拥有大量的家庭时光很重要。我们度过了美好的假期露营，住在海滨大篷车公园，与家人一起参加了具有里程碑意义的世博会，如 88 年世博会，并住在一栋可爱的房子里。我们确实在加拿大度过了很多假期，因为史蒂夫的妈妈住在维多利亚。我知道克里对我的梦想是在我准备好时见到你。我知道她听到你死了的消息时很伤心。我很困惑。我一直都知道我是被收养的，因为我看起来与克里、史蒂夫、乔希和布罗迪不同。当我被问到是否想去参加你的葬礼时，我才 9 岁，不知道该如何处理，现在很后悔没有去那里。

除了欺凌和性虐待之外，我在学校的经历还不错。有人告诉我我像爸爸一样聪明。我很少努力使用智能。我不确定不比我更出众是不是为了自我保护。

有第三个人抚养我长大，她很棒。她是我的姨妈，娜内特。我非常爱她，她是一个不可思议的人。甚至在电话上没有来电显示之前，我总是知道她什么时候打电话。 Nanette 还在我的婚礼上出卖了我。我的婚礼是 20 年前的两天前。我嫁给的男人不是一个好人。我受到了他的很多虐待。相识10年后，我们幸运地分开了。我没有孩子，为此我接受了 12 个月的治疗。如果我有孩子，我很难接受。我无法想象你失去我是什么感觉，我很担心我会重温那种经历以及你的感觉。

我不确定我的同理心从何而来，但这是一种祝福和诅咒。我确实有过两次流产，只有第二次我听到了心跳。这是我昨天上班的照片。他们有和谐日，他们竖起了我们的图腾。

我有很多想问你，想告诉你。我爱你们爸爸妈妈。我现在有一个美好的家庭——我的妈妈和爸爸（Kerry 和 Steve）、我的兄弟们、我的侄女和侄子以及我的伴侣 James。我的阿姨不幸去世了，但我很感激我有时间和她在一起。

阅读 Jen 之前的博客：金钱永远无法弥补我作为原住民加拿大人所失去的一切

资源

加拿大原住民

在加拿大无名墓中发现 200 多名被盗的原住民儿童

被偷走的一代——加拿大和澳大利亚：同化的遗产

3月 5, 20233月 3, 2023

小时候学会悲伤

经过 保罗布莱恩托维，英国国内被收养者和才华横溢的艺术家，被收养者倡导者， 2022 年全球匿名收养者调查

昨天，我正在为另一张“Dogpache”与两只 Dogohawks 跳舞的线条图片添加阴影，后来发现我的身体和手臂都在发炎……

我对图像进行了多次迭代，它们通常会产生对被收养者感情的深刻影响。在我的案例中，核心创伤是在收养后虐待和使用儿童。

慢慢地，图像的长途跋涉回应了我的感受，也显示了我用来解决疼痛的新角度和棱镜。在我的治疗类型中，我现在可以随时进行，因为我退休了，我被训练让感受成为他们想成为的人。

所以我的双臂高高举起，变成了爪子，然后我生母的照片浮现在我的脑海里……我感觉就像一个孩子在抓她的脸。我在我的“图像球体”中做到了这一点并进入了空气..我很理性，很疯狂，这一切都很好..我有一个发达的创造性思维..

生母在我 3 岁时离开了我，那个核心区域被后来对我身体的滥用所包围。早在 1940 年生母 7 岁时，她就认识她留给我的那个人。无论如何，我感受到了痛苦的感觉，但是另一个棱镜从一张卡住的嘴里返回.. 低沉的语言。保持安全……什么都不说……尽管有说话的压力……

终于，疼痛从我的嚎叫嘴孩子洞里爆发出来，化为解决哭声，就像一个幽灵孩子在为妈妈嚎叫……这只是幼儿期巨大碎片领域中的另一个棱镜为我修复..它是如何修复的？通过存在和成为它自己..通过最终允许存在，进入存在本身..作为那个孩子的一部分而悲伤......这确实是被延迟的真相，但能够在治疗上重新体验......

疼吗？当它处于炎症阶段时是的……你打赌，因为身体隐藏着早期思想的一个古老的“谎言”，它仍然试图保护我免受恐惧......我现在不需要保护（可怜的自动大脑）事实上我需要成为我的全部.. 被我当成我.. 仅此而已..

现在我终于足够大了，可以再次年轻了，可以感受到我过去的各种事情，因为我的大脑已经发育成熟，可以容纳一切……这是一条回到感觉联系和那种形式的内在完整性的缓慢道路。我注意到虽然有必要发泄悲伤：“谁应该在那里但不在”......

这就是将未满足的需求（对妈妈）减少为可解决的悲伤和哭泣......“Mommmmeeeeeeee”......“HOwlllll”.. 我一直在缓慢地接受发生的事情，但发生的事情是经过许多痛苦扭曲的岁月.. 这就是为什么我仍然在艺术中与怪物交朋友，让他们哭泣，让风景也嚎叫 ..

OWWWWWLLLL OWWWWOOOOOO ......我喜欢嚎叫，它们释放了我早期被束缚在分离的情感监狱中的原始灵魂……我学会了像一个孩子一样悲伤，因为他不再悲伤了……我在这里……我已经到了……我的皮肤更好了，而且以一种更积极的方式感到悲伤，仅仅是因为悲剧是……

2月 23, 20235月 18, 2023

英国跨国收养网络研讨会

2023 年 1 月 30 日，一小群英国的跨国收养者参加了网络研讨会小组活动，与收养父母组织分享他们的想法和经验， 收养英国.

在本次网络研讨会中，您将见到从斯里兰卡收养的莎拉·希尔德、从厄瓜多尔收养的约书亚·阿斯普登、从巴西收养的艾玛·埃斯特雷拉、从中国收养的梅雷迪思·阿姆斯特朗和从香港收养的克莱尔·马丁。我们一起回答一些养父母在 收养英国 问。

观看网络研讨会，下面是时间码、关键信息和相关资源。
注意：如果在 Chrome 中观看，请单击“了解更多”按钮观看视频

网络研讨会时间码

00:20 介绍来自 AdoptionUK
01:03 介绍来自 ICAV 的 Lynelle
02:44 莎拉希尔德
03:35 克莱尔·马丁
05:34 梅雷迪思阿姆斯特朗
07:39 艾玛埃斯特雷拉
09:39 约书亚阿斯普登
12:17 寻找家人时如何保护自己免受诈骗 – 莱内尔
17:23 接近生活故事工作的技巧 – 梅雷迪思
20:54 如果您被出生国的家庭收养，您是否觉得生活会更好？
21:27 约书亚
24:56 艾玛
28:00 在开始跨国收养时，我们希望养父母知道什么？
28:24 克莱尔
32:25 梅雷迪思
35:12 莎拉
38:24 艾玛
40:24 约书亚
43:34 莱内尔
45:30 什么与您的传统最相关？
45:45 莎拉
48:23 克莱尔
49:30 约书亚
51:07 计划拜访寄养家庭，有什么技巧或提示来管理被收养者会出现的强烈情绪吗？
51:30 梅雷迪思
52:24 艾玛
54:25 莱内尔
56:24 乔结束和感谢

网络研讨会关键信息摘要

单击此处查看 PDF格式文档

敏感地应对被遗弃的恐惧

经过 莱拉中号, 在美国长大的中国收养者

“你脖子上的钥匙是什么？” – 我收到这个问题的次数与我被问及我来自哪里的次数一样多。

我脖子上戴着一把金钥匙。我就这样戴了十年。

它说， ”团结就是爱，10.02.62” 一方面和 “公吨“ 在另一。

我妈妈是个叛逆者，决定和儿时最好的朋友一起逃学。他们在纽约市的街道上闲逛。他们找到了钥匙。他们试图找到它去的所有者/地方。然而，它被扔到了马路中间，所以他们没有成功。我妈和闺蜜一直以为是情人吵架。钥匙一气之下扔了。

快进到我妈妈收养我的时候。

小时候，我担心父母在约会之夜后不会回家找我。

我妈妈会说，“从这座塔上拿下这把金钥匙，随身携带。你睡觉的时候我们会在家，你可以在早上亲自给我。”这给了我安全感。就像我的妈妈和爸爸和我在一起并且会回来一样。

当我高中毕业时，我选择了在州外上大学。作为礼物，我妈妈把金钥匙串起来送给我作为礼物，作为永远和我在一起的承诺，我的妈妈和爸爸会一直在那里，在家里，等着我回家，钥匙在手（或脖子上，准确地说）。

一个关于情人节礼物的心形钥匙的小故事。

2月 11, 20232月 10, 2023

特权，而非权利

经过 卡米纳厅, 美国黑人、跨种族、后来发现的收养者

They say it’s their right, their right to create and own a life,
Interestingly enough, this is a perception as old as buying a wife.
Are we nothing more than cattle, to be traded and sold?
Or we are the light of the Universe, sent through her womb, more precious than gold?

Interesting the amount of studying and toiling that goes into obtaining degrees,
Yet, when forming life any and everyone is allowed to do as they please.
Change your mind, wrong color, or simply too young?
With the swipe of a pen, that new soul changes hands, and their life comes undone.

I knew your heartbeat, your voice, your smell, all before I ever saw your face,
Though their arms might have attempted to replace you, no one ever took your place.
There was a dark empty yawning void in my soul I never knew existed,
Drugs, sex, alcohol, and self-sabotage; still the madness persisted.

Firmly we declare, you can’t own a life, and creating it isn’t your right,
The soul is simply in your care, on loan from the Universe, until it can fight its own fight.
Take seriously the implications and ripples you drop into the pond of life when creating,
Children we are for only a moment, adulting sees us with mounds of trauma sedating.

您可以在她的 Youtube 频道上关注 Kamina – 科奇卡米娜
Read Kamina’s other guests posts at ICAV:
Healing as a Transracial Adoptee
你的悲伤是你的礼物

2月 3, 20232月 3, 2023

越南领养的兄妹通过DNA找到彼此

Mikati is a fellow Vietnamese adoptee raised in Belgium, who joined the ICAV network some years ago, wanting to connect to those who understood the complexities of this lifelong journey. I’m honoured to be a part of her life and she told me the amazing news recently of finding and reuniting with her biological brother Georges who was also adopted, but to France. Neither knew of the other until their DNA matches showed up. Together, Mikati and Georges have shared with me their thoughts about finding each other and searching now for their Vietnamese family. Since sharing this and having their news go viral in Vietnamese media, they are currently awaiting news that they have possibly found their mother. Incredible what can be achieved these days with DNA technology and social media! Here is their story as reunited brother and sister.

About Your Life

Georges

I’ve been adopted in 1996 by French parents and my Vietnamese name is Trương Vanlam. I live in Noisy-le-Grand, a little Parisian suburb near the river Marne. I happily live with my cat and girlfriend.

My life in France (childhood to present) meant I’ve grown up in the countryside surrounded by medieval castles, fields and forests. It has not always been easy to be different in a place where Asian people were very rare to encounter. I was a shy kid but I was happy to have the love of my adoptive family and some friends. Later, I studied in Paris, a pluri-ethnic place with a lot of people from different origins. I have an interest in arts like theatre and cinema and I’ve started to develop short films with my friends. I am not shy anymore but creative and more confident.

My adoptive parents were very happy to see me for Christmas. They are retired and they don’t leave their village very often like before. They try to help me as much as they can and are happy about my reconnection to my new found sister, Mikati. I trust and respect my adoptive parents and they trust me and respect me equally.

I teach cinema, video editing and graphics with Adobe suite to adults and teens. I’m making videos and one day, I hope to become a movie director.

Mikati

I was born in 1994 and adopted to Belgium in June 1995 at 7 months of age. I currently live in Kortrijk in West-Flanders, Belgium. My childhood was in Anzegem, not so far from Kortrijk.

I have been able to develop and grow up in Belgium. I have some dear friends. I have a nice job. Over the years I have made beautiful trips in and out of Europe and met many people. I have done two studies – orthopedagogy and social work. Here I learned how important human, children’s and women’s rights are. I have been working for a non-profit organization for years. I follow up families in socially vulnerable situations and connect them with a student who is studying at the college or university. I did not study to be a teacher, but it is true that I do train students about how they can work with vulnerable families, how they can reflect on their actions, etc.

My childhood wasn’t all that fantastic. As an intercountry adoptee, I grew up in a white environment. That environment had little respect for my original roots. Sometimes I would walk down the street and hear racial slurs from people I didn’t know. As much as I tried to assimilate, I didn’t forget my roots.

My Vietnamese name is Pham Thi Hoa Sen which says a lot about what my life has been like. I grew up to turn out beautiful but I grew up in mud just like a lotus flower. A thorough screening could have prevented a lot. My adoptive parents are not bad people and they did their best, but they underestimated the care needed for children adopted internationally. My adoptive mother already had two children from a previous marriage that she was no longer allowed to see. She was mentally unable to raise children. My adoptive parents are burdened by trauma that they have not worked through. At that time there was also little to no psychological support and guidance for adoptive parents. It was very difficult growing up with them. It is by seeking help for myself and talking to people about it, that I am more aware of life. Just because you mean well and have good intentions does not mean that you are acting right.

About Your Reunion

Georges

It has been surreal, like a dream and a little bit frightening to be found by my sister because all my beliefs about my personal history are now unsure. The first days, I remember repeating again and again, “I’ve got an elder sister, I’ve got an elder sister”. Then we started to talk and get to know each other more and it became more real. Now I’m very happy and proud to have Mikati as my sister. It’s very strange because even though we met only two weeks ago, I feel like I have know her for a long time. For me, it’s a new step in my life, the beginning of a journey where I will connect more with her, with Vietnam, where we will try to discover our family story, I hope.

Mikati is a strong and caring woman who is always trying to help others despite having encountered many difficulties in her life. She’s very passionate, clever, funny and above all I respect and admire the person she is. We like to discuss many things from important subjects like international adoptions and smaller subjects like the life of our respective cats or tv series or why Belgians are so proud to eat French fries with mayonnaise. I don’t know why but I’ve quickly felt a connection with her. It could be because of our shared DNA but I think it’s more probably because she is fundamentally fantastic as a person. I like to tease her a little sometime and she’s very patient with me and my jokes! We’ve got our differences of course, but siblings always have differences. I’m very glad to have her in my life.

Mikati

1.5 years ago I decided to take a DNA test through MyHeritage (a commercial DNA-kit). To get a bit of an indication of where my roots come from. Through the result I got a little more information about ethnicity and I saw distant relatives. It was cool to know something because I know very little about my roots. I hadn’t looked at MyHeritage in a long time until early December 2022. I have no idea why exactly as I didn’t even get a notification. To my surprise, I saw that I had a new match. It wasn’t just any distant relative, it was my brother! He lived in a neighbouring country, France!

You have to know that I just woke up when I looked at my mobile phone, so I immediately sent a message to some close friends and my guidance counsellor at the Descent Center. I wanted to know if I was dreaming. Finally I got the confirmation from the experts at the Descent Center that my DNA result were real and we share over 2500 centimorgans! That means he is not half but rather, a full brother.

I was so happy! So many emotions raced through my body that day. I saw a lot of people who were also adopted at an event that day. Most of them were a great support. Most were as happy and moved as I was. A minority reacted rather short, jealous or gave unsolicited advice about anything and everything. I also understand their feelings. It is an exceptional situation that triggers many emotions. Those emotions of others made it sometimes overwhelming for me.

I contacted Georges through Facebook. I wondered if he had already seen it. When he didn’t reply, a friend gave me his LinkedIn profile that had his email address on it. I felt like a little stalker but I decided to send him an email as well. I sent him a little text and gave him the option to get in touch if he wanted to. When he answered, he introduced himself and asked a few questions. The contact was open, enthusiastic and friendly. So we are very sure of the DNA match, but some mysteries soon surfaced quickly during the first conversation. We told each other what name we got on our adoption papers. Our last names are different. I see on my adoption papers that I have the same last name as my mother. Maybe he has the father’s last name? Georges has not yet properly looked at his adoption papers, so there are still pieces of the puzzle missing.

I am happy when I connect with my brother. The contact feels so natural! We talk and joke like we have known each other for years. We both got a little emotional when we talked about our childhood but also realised how close geographically we grew up. Georges is barely 14 months younger than me. Did the orphanage ever talk to my adoptive parents and suggest taking Georges too? So that we could grow up together? What would my adoptive parents do in such a situation? With a reunion, the search for one’s identity is not over. In fact, it has opened up many more questions!

About your biological family in Vietnam

Georges

My determination to find my family in Vietnam has increased since I met my elder sister but I’ve always been curious to find more information about my biological mother and father. Growing up as an adopted child, I grew up with a perpetual mystery about my origins. It defines me, marking me forever because I’m always facing the fear of being rejected again . Like many adoptees, I grew up with this explanation: “Your first parents left you because of their poverty.” This is speculation which may be true or not and we do not know until the facts are gathered. I feel no anger about that but I want to know the real motives, the real story from their point of view. Was it their decision or not….?

Mikati is really passionate and determined in this search and about our story and she told me about the real problems caused by some organisations which have seen international adoption as a business in the 1990s. I did research to gather information based on official and independent reports from the press and UNICEF and I talked to adopted people who have been in our orphanage. I’m worried about some testimonies, about the lack of transparency in the adoption process and to adoptive parents, adopted children and biological parents and now I want to be sure if our parents gave their consent or not. I’m also determined to discover this truth and to show our journey through a documentary in order give more information about what could have been problematic in international adoption in the 1990s to year 2000. I’m not alone in this quest ,my elder sister is with me and I’m with her.

I’ve never had the opportunity to return to Vietnam yet but it is something I hope to do in the near future. I’m sure it won’t be only for fun and tourism!

You can follow Georges at Facebook, 领英或者 Youtube.

Mikati

I have my reasons for wanting to find my parents. Under Article 7 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, the child has a right to information about his or her parentage. It is also fundamental in human beings to know where they come from. As long as I don’t know the story about my biological parents, I can’t be mad. I really wonder what their
story is. I know it’s going to be hard to search. I know that commercial DNA testing is less used in Vietnam. Papers and names were sometimes forged. I don’t know if my mom actually came from My Tho. Is her name really Tuyet Mai? Right now I’m looking at it mostly inquisitively and with compassion. I want to look at the bigger picture. Why is it that parents are faced with the decision to give up a child? How can a system support parents so that such things do not have to happen again?

Recently a Vietnamese woman contacted me on social media. She told me why she had given up her child in the same orphanage as Georges and I. It has not been easy for her to find out where her child went and she continues to search for her child, even if it was more than 20 years ago. She is still saddened by the situation. If anyone can help us broaden this search, please see 这里.

I have lost contact with my adoptive parents, so they know nothing about my search. I’m sure my adoptive mother would have disapproved.

It would be nice if we find our parents, but we’ll see. I am very grateful for Phuc who has offered to help us search. He seems very nice. I hear from other adoptees that he is friendly and reliable. I also read articles about him and it’s unbelievable what he does to bring families together! I would find it courageous if families dare to come out for what was difficult in the past and why they gave up their child. By telling their story as biological parents, even if they feel ashamed, our society can learn and improve the future.

There are adoptees whose biological parents thought their baby was stillborn but it was actually sold for adoption. If that’s the case with our parents, they don’t even know we are alive. Our story can be everything. It’s hard to know what our case was.

I have so many unanswered questions and I would like to know my family’s story.

If I were to see my biological mother again, the first thing I would tell her is that I would like to get to know her and listen to her story.

Vietnam will always be special to me, even though I didn’t grow up there. I was 9 years old when I went back with my adoptive parents and my sister (non biological) who is also adopted. We went from North to South. Even though my adoptive mother was negative about Vietnam, she couldn’t ruin it for me. The food, the smiling people, the chaos in Ho Chi Minh and the nature in smaller villages have stayed with me. Now I’m reading more about Vietnam and talking more to Vietnamese people. I am saving up to travel to Vietnam again. Maybe alone, maybe with friends or maybe with Georges. We’ll see. But I certainly will go back and learn more about my beautiful country.

You can follow Mikati and her journey at Facebook 或者 Instagram.

To read Mikati and Georges’ story as published in the Vietnam media, click 这里和英文翻译这里.