I was writing to an adoptive mum about how we adoptees express anger and it reminded me of how frightened people are, in general, of that “adoptee anger”. In the aim of creating greater understanding of this misunderstood and feared emotion, I thought I’d write about why anger is a valid component in an adoptee’s journey and how people can support an adoptee in the midst of the anger. I don’t speak for all adoptees but share from my own experience.
I don’t recall being aware of my anger being related to my abandonment until I reached my mid 20s. I do recall feeling angry as a teenager but at the time my anger felt like a result of feeling confused about my place in the world, feeling like I didn’t fit in, that people teased me about my looks, and at being treated differently in my adoptive family. I know if anyone had approached me during those teenage years and talked about adoption or abandonment I would have brushed it aside saying it had nothing to do with how I was feeling. I was a teenager who had no idea of the issues that were underlying my feelings. My adoptive family didn’t seek to look for issues other than normal teenage issues – they were told that love should be enough – an era where adoption and abandonment was just not understood.
I was the teenage adoptee who never rebelled overtly. Personality? I’d say it was my fear of rejection that created my drive to “fit in” and my desire for “acceptance” that drove me to succeed at school academically. My emotional outlet was music. I played the piano all the time and I recall my adoptive sister demanding I stop thumping the piano so loudly and angrily. Looking back I realise now it was my only outlet and sign of deep seated anger and primary to that, sadness. I certainly felt like I had no-one who talked to me about those feelings, to initiate those conversations, and perhaps I was so shut off from trusting anyone instinctively that I couldn’t see them even if they were in front of me. I grew up with other children at school and church who were also adopted domestically, but I don’t recall any conversations about “adopted” children except to overhear that they were causing their parents a lot of trouble.
As an adult adoptee, I I personally know quite a few intercountry adoptees who grew up rebelling and getting into drugs, alcohol, sex. They’re all addictions to a degree that help to bury our feelings because they are so overwhelming. I can totally understand why we turn to these comforts and what is driving them. For adoptees, it’s our deep seated feelings of hurt at being abandoned. The persistent questions in our psyche of why were we given up? People are so blinded by the fairytale myths of adoption of “forever family” and “love is enough” they don’t see the signs so obvious to an adoptee like me. You may treat us like forever family and love is enough but WE don’t feel like that. Not for a long time. For kids like me, who appeared well behaved, our struggles go undetected – only to show up later in early adulthood as deep seated depression and suicidal attempts or other covert symptoms. Perhaps parents should consider themselves lucky if they have a child who is acting out – at least the adopted child is trying to tell you there is something they are struggling with – it’s their call for help. As for adoptees like me on the other hand, my parents had no idea of the depth of my struggles and for some unknown reason I’m still alive to write about it. For those adoptees who manage to cut off those feelings permanently by ending it all, I say it’s a terrible reflection on our society in the ways we perpetuate adoption myths, failing to support and offer the help and acceptance they are seeking before it’s too late! My parents certainly never realised I had deep seated underlying issues that might have benefitted from some guided assistance. I looked on the exterior as the model child, always conforming, performing highly at school, despite being caught for shop lifting in my early teens.
The reality is anger is a normal emotional response to our unordinary beginnings of loss, detachment, disconnection, severing of our ties to mother who carried us, loss of our genetic heritage, feelings of not belonging in our adopted land and environment, feelings of displacement, confusion as to where exactly do we fit in and why it is so hard to wrestle with all these feelings that no-one else seems to have, let alone relate to. Unless the people surrounding us and closest to us understand this anger and have an interest in “hearing” what this anger is about, I think as adoptees we continue to escalate in our behaviours of expressing anger in poor and dysfunctional ways which sabotage further our abilities to develop relationships that otherwise might be supportive.
I came to the realisation in therapy one day that in fact harming myself was my anger turned inward. Adoptees who act out their anger are displaying it out, those of us who are perfectionists and trying to conform will turn it inwards if there is no appropriate avenue to express it. So how can we best help an adoptee with anger? First and most importantly we need someone to listen to us and accept we have a real valid reason for feeling anger. This means not being afraid to hear the adoptee’s anger. Don’t turn the issue away from the adoptee and make it about you. I know many people who are afraid of hearing/seeing/being on what they perceive is the receiving end of anger – if so, I encourage you to read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. In blocking the adoptee’s innate need to express that anger, you will also be blocking their need to express their innate sadness of loss and disconnection.
Second, don’t react to the anger expressed in a negative way. If you do, this gives the impression that our anger is wrong. No, what is wrong is not the emotion and sound reasons for it, but the way in which we turn that anger energy onto others or ourselves. What we need when we express anger is someone to validate and confirm that our anger is ok and that underlying it is our pain and sadness at being abandoned.
Third, once you allow the anger to exist, you might be surprised to see it turn into tears of raw sadness, hurt, and pain. This is when we need a nice warm accepting cuddle that offers comfort and demonstrates you are sharing our pain with us.
As adoptees, if we constantly receive the message overtly or covertly that our anger is not ok, you are reflecting back to us that it is not ok to be who we are. We are a result of a terrible beginning so naturally our psyche has to resolve this and find a way to heal. If you block the anger, the adoptee will never get to the other end of the spectrum of healing because anger is our secondary emotion to sadness. If we are too afraid to express our sadness, we express it as anger. If you can’t hear our anger, you won’t be able to hear our sadness. If we never get to express our sadness and pain, we never get to resolve our beginnings.
The message I’m trying to convey is please don’t be scared of our anger or try to inhibit it from being expressed. Once our anger gets heard, we won’t be as explosive or reactive. It is like uncorking a bottle of wine, if you let the anger gas out, the wine goes nice and mellows. Now I’m not saying we only have to let our anger out once, no, sometimes we need multiple times of expressing this anger and being “heard” and listened to. In my experience, the power of healing for me came from being able to tell my story fifty different ways to fifty different audiences. It was the validation I needed. Having people come up to me and empathise and give that understanding I’d been seeking all along. After a while of getting people’s validation, I learnt that my feelings were ok and not to run from them. I learnt it was good to listen to my anger within but the trick was to find an appropriate method to channel the energy and turn it into something useful for ourselves. For me, it was to create a support network for other adoptees who were struggling like I did. For others, it could be an artistic outlet, music, writing, anything that allows us to express the anger and sadness in a safe and healthy way.
The above is written specific to adoptee anger based only upon the initial abandonment wound. If an adoptee gets further hurt, abuse, racism on top of their abandonment, then of course the anger gets compounded by these extra causal factors. I’m also not advocating for violence which is anger acted out towards others or justifying an adoptee purposively hurting others because of their “anger”. I’m simply writing about a much misunderstood topic specific for intercountry adoption and hoping to share some insight as to why we display anger, where it’s coming from, and how you might help us resolve it in a healthy way.
My wish is to live in a world where an adoptee’s anger will be heard for what it is i.e. instead of labelling us and pushing us away because people are afraid of the force in the emotion, they would instead embrace us and validate that we have every reason to feel sad and angry. If our anger is embraced, you will enable us to heal ourselves by being true to our feelings and to start to truly connect to you and share our deepest needs by embracing who we are at our deepest core.
I feel the same way. My family does not want anything to do with me because I’m angry. I’m also a mild mannered 52 year old married mother of 4. Am I really so scary? I don’t understand. We have a right to be angry, we lost everything.
Very well said. I don’t think all of us act out in anger but you’re right, a great deal do. I acted out in sadness, disparity to be accepted. I gave whatever I had to get the feeling of friendship or attention from someone – my personal belongings, my body.
I left home at 15 years old.
The loss of physical and emotional connection to one’s mother is profound. We are too young to understand at the time…but it certainly is carried with us in a deep and affecting sense.
I met my birth mother. I saw her often over the past 20 years or so. She was absolutely horrible to me. I desperately looked at her in awe that I was a part of someone…that I looked like someone…I wanted her to love me. Sadly, she was not capable of love. I gave her all of me. Money, time, tears and then a funeral.
She died at 54 from a history of alcohol abuse.
Rejected again. Sometimes you just never belong.
I’m sorry to hear of that Dawn😨
I am the mother of an angry adoptee. I understand to the extent I can but feel that anger should be a stage, not a way of life. I too have experienced loss that feels like abandonment in the way of death– my brother, my stepmother, my sister in law and several grandparents as well as 2 miscarriages before I was 30. 20 years later I could still be angry but anger is a stage of grief, to pass through, not a place to live.
Lynn, with no disrespect intended, the grief you have experienced at losing a loved one is not the same as the grief experienced by an adoptee. Not to say either grief is worse. Just different and should not be compared. Grief caused by death is socially acceptable. Even where a person has no one supporting them after the death of a loved one, we are brought up in a society that says it is OK to grieve death. There are many resources online etc or tools to help you. Adoptees however receive the message from every channel that adoption is positive and we a are given no help with grieving. When negatives are mentioned, they are considered small and brief. Being adopted is permanent and can never be changed. The person never knows themself without trauma of separation. How can this not affect brain development? Research shows early trauma affects a child’s brain. Many things can be triggering, particularly if you are an intercountry adoptee and may experience racism. Microaggressions are a part of daily life and just walking on the street may remind us of being adopted and that we are different, don’t belong, were ‘given away’ etc if we don’t live in a culturally diverse area. I am not saying adoptees should hurt others, but I don’t believe anyone has a right to place limits on someone else’s feelings. Adoptees need healthy ways to express anger as Lynelle has written in this article and also validation and compassion. Indeed, everyone in this world needs those things! To compare one’s experience as a non-adoptee dealing with a non-adoption related grief to an adoptee and judge the adoptee problematic is one reason adoptees have a hard time healing. We are considered the problem and we receive no compassion.
Thank You Brooke! You said it well. Also Lynn .. your comment “anger is a stage of grief” a place to pass thru’ but not live .. I think that’s where both Brooke and I are trying to help people understand that adoption is not a stage .. it is a lifelong journey that is forced upon adoptees and hence with all its inherent losses (many of which we only fully come to comprehend in our much older life stages) the feelings of anger and sadness can sometimes be a constant. And for me, definitely my feelings of anger now in my mid 40s is very different to the anger I felt in my mid 20s. Now my anger is much more about the big picture of intercountry adoption – the structural powers to be that create inequality and cause the separation of families to begin with. The governments who turn a blind eye to the illicit practices. So compared to the anger I felt in my mid 20s which was on a more personal and individual level, it is different to the anger I feel now. Now, I hear thousands of intercountry adoptee life experiences and I feel a different anger because it’s now a collective experience of pain, loss, suffering – and so yes, the anger is even more validated. I get angry today for adoptees who get deported back to their birthland after 40 plus years; I get angry today for adoptees who are murdered or hurt and rehomed by their adoptive families; whereas in my 20s, I was angry only because of my own adoptive family and personal life experience. So my anger and sadness in adoption is definitely not a stage .. the more adoptees connect and share, the more I realise that the anger is a healthy emotion because it motivates us to make the changes and push to eliminate the problems that caused many of us to become “orphans” or manufactured orphans to begin with. I see the multitude of adoptee-led organisations being created all over the world as an expression of our anger and sadness. If as you say anger should only be a stage, then our stage or phase of anger as a collective will only dissipate when intercountry adoption is changed so that we are no longer a commodity and when illicit practices are stopped and justice is given to those who have been forced to live the experience.