입양인 경험 | 국제 입양인의 목소리(ICAV)

6월 19, 20235월 24, 2023

Searching for my family in the Philippines

The following blog series will be dedicated to our Searching in Intercountry Adoption series. These individual stories are being shared from our 원근법 종이 that was also shared with our Webinar, Searching in Intercountry Adoption by Adoptee Experts..

~에 의해 데지레 마루, born in the Philippines, raised in the USA

I was born in destitute poverty in the Philippines in 1985 and hence relinquished to an adoption agency on the day that I was born. I was taken care of at Asilo de la Milagrosa, in the care of Catholic nuns who were social workers at the time, and adopted via Holt International to the USA when I was about two years old. I did not know my adoptive parents, nor did they come out to the Philippines to get to know me. My name legally changed, and I was flown from an airplane and delivered to Caucasian strangers that were my legally binding family.

I grew up in Wisconsin, in the Midwest, and had an adopted brother, who was two years older than me, who was also adopted from the Philippines, from a different orphanage. We grew up not being taught about the Philippines. We grew up with a lack of pride or understanding of our home culture, heritage, customs and language. Instead we were heavily assimilated into the Western culture; we were asked a few times about our culture from our adoptive parents but it wasn’t enough support to keep us connected to our home traditions.

Barriers included a lack of being informed from our adoptive parents about our homeland, ancestry and we also lacked emotional-psychological support for intercountry adoptees in the Midwest at the time. I vaguely remember a time when my adoptive mother sat me down in the living room, back in Wisconsin, she told me I was adopted, and I said, “I know,” and walked out of the living room. I went back to my bedroom to be by myself. That’s the tone of my childhood, where I was showing like I didn’t care when in fact, the whole experience was difficult for me. But I didn’t know how to reach out or talk about it to anybody.

My brother had a lot of issues and we moved to Arizona in high school to try to start over as a family. This is a time when my adoptive mother came into my bedroom and showed me my biological papers. She said she had to wait until I was 18 to give these to me, but I was close enough to the age, or something along those lines. She left, and I looked at them and I cried. I saw the name of my birth mother, and I longed to know more about her.

I imagined my birth mother a lot in those days. I wrote poetry, and it was never enough to fill the gap and missing pieces of my heart.

Obstacles in searching at the time was that my biological papers, which had been established by social workers in the Philippines, didn’t preserve much of any functional information for independently searching for family members or family history. These biological papers lacked any kind of suitable, identifiable information that preserved in any way my heritage and family tree information, which would be necessary to piece together my past without needing the very individuals to re-establish the knowledge of my heritage.

My biological papers revealed next to nothing about my father, which later on, I would find that the information that was volunteered by my birth mother was also false. But as a teenager, when all I have are these old, governmentally-certified papers from my home country, that’s all that I had. So these old-fashioned, brittle documents were my only hope, which were papers that scarcely were able to certify my birth on thin, fragile paper. I had a feeding schedule from my orphanage and a mighty, descriptive report of what I looked like and acted like as a vulnerable baby in the orphanage. And that was all I had of my entire past. These artefacts showed I was just a product of the adoption process.

I finally decided to pursue a reunion when I was in my mid-twenties. I discovered that Holt International actually had a search and reunion department, so I emailed them, and started the process. They reached out to my old orphanage, Asilo de la Milagrosa, and the kind social workers there had found my files. They also went themselves to the address of my birth mother, and thankfully, she still lived there. From that point, they coordinated with her.

I planned a trip to the Philippines with barely enough funds to cover this at the time. It was difficult because my adoptive mother wasn’t supportive at all, and nobody from my adoptive family supported me either. But in a few months, I was able to create an itinerary. I was to leave Seattle, to the Philippines, and I was given a place to stay with the Intercountry Adoption Board of the Philippines, and later, Asilo de la Milegrosa had guest quarters too.

The cost of a reunion is plenty. The cost of travel is hefty. But the main cost to consider is the toll of what you’re undergoing psychologically and emotionally. You’ve spent all your life fabricating an identity away from this place, and now you’re returning, and you’re having to break out of that safety net to acknowledge and face parts of your past that had been concealed all this time. So it is disruptive to the security in our lives. It is a risk one takes as well, because you don’t know the results, and how you’ll process the experience post-reunion either.

The outcome of this search was that I was unknowingly able to have a reunion granted for me, with my birth mother and half-birth brother, due to all of these circumstances leading up to this being uniquely favourable and available to me at the time.

My reunion was in 2012, and it is now 2023 and I’m living on my own in Indiana. My adopted brother recently passed away last year, homeless on the streets of the Philippines, in 2022. He lacked much needed support throughout his whole life, which will always weigh on me, and I miss him everyday. I don’t talk with my adoptive family anymore, although I had kept in touch with my adoptive parents and grandparents mainly. I just have one surviving adoptive grandfather now as well, so life has changed even in their circumstances.

After experiencing the whole search and reunion process, I do have my own perspectives to share. I think what is needed is that every adoption company and governmental organisation should have a search and reunion department for all adoptees to utilise.

Every adoption agency and birth country of an orphaned or vulnerable child should be collecting all of their biographical information including family trees and family members, so that they can have the knowledge of their past to utilise for their own personal purposes. Adoptees should have a right to have their family history preserved and safeguarded, administratively. Their biographical information, including birth information and birth records, needs to be preserved as best as possible, and social workers should make sure that all information is accurate and not in fact made up.

This biographical information is what holds the last of an adoptee’s own cultural identity and historical background, and even medically, this is paramount. This information could give a sense of security and psychological support if anything, which could save society a lot of issues in the long run. It would hold well in the search and reunion process because the more information adoptees are given, the more options adoptees have for meeting or getting to know their home countries in ways that are comfortable for them.

Supportive resources include the adoption agencies free search and reunion administrative support, biological paper filing and holding for the adoptee; it is giving an adoptee full access to their records at any time as well. Intercountry adoption boards or agencies of the home country, and the orphanage that the adoptee was cared for at, all need to be officially accountable. They all need to have proper records of the vulnerable child, and proper process and procedures for the search and reunion. Support should be accessible on a regular basis.

There should be rapid communication readily available for adoptees today such as having proper email addresses, current phone numbers and customer service at hand. Support should be granted such as places to stay when the adoptee visits the home country and on a reunion; they should be informed of the reunion process, given counselling support, translator support, and if someone can document the reunion for the adoptee, that could help too.

Now in 2023, after all these years of living life, pursuing therapies, working and becoming the owner of my own life, I’ve decided to start a new chapter of my search and reunion by requesting a MyHeritage DNA Kit for starting an initial search for biological relatives, and to also learn about my DNA heritage, and where I come from. This DNA kit was free due to the program in place recently, which was why I’d participated in requesting this kit.

The difference in this is that before, I would say, I experienced more of a direct line to my poverty-stricken past at Asilo de la Milagrosa, where in my mid-twenties, I met my birth mother and half birth-brother in 2012. Now, it is simply nice to search in a more discovery-toned, self-paced way, versus having to respond to a critical need to grasp the truth of what happened to me as a vulnerable baby and understand why my mother gave me up when I was born.

In this DNA search, I don’t have to ask too many hard questions, although even to this day, some questions can still linger in my mind from time to time: Why didn’t my biological family contact me all this time? Why wasn’t I able to mend the fabric of my biological family history at a certain point in my life? And, why did my past have to be such a void?

Coming Next: Searching for my family in Sri Lanka

자원

국제 입양에서의 탐색과 재결합

6월 4, 20235월 24, 2023

베트남에서 가족 찾기

~에 의해 Huyen Friedlander, born in Vietnam, raised in the USA

On Sunday, I learned that my birthfather had died. I’m still sifting through how that feels, a unique kind of loss of a parent. Even though we reunited over 20 years ago, there was still a lot left unspoken, and maybe a lot that we didn’t know or understand about each other. We met in-person twice. The first time was shortly after 9/11. I had his contact information for almost a year, but I wasn’t ready to reach out. Knowing that he lived in New Jersey, so close to NYC where the towers fell, I felt a sense of urgency that I shouldn’t waste any more time. I called on a Friday night. I left a voicemail that my name was Huyen and that I thought he had been a friend of my family in Viet Nam. The next morning, he returned my call.

In the first few seconds of our conversation, I said my name again, said who my birthmother was and said, “I think you may be my birthfather.” Immediately, without any hesitation, he said, “I think I am, too.” That was an enormous gift to me. No denial. No defensiveness. “I thought you and your mother had died.”

He had been told by an army connection that my mother had died trying to make it to Thailand, and that I had died in the Babylift crash. He said he had wanted to marry my birthmother, but wasn’t allowed to because her family had originally been from the North.

It felt so surreal to finally have this information, a little window into what had happened. Within a few weeks, I was headed to the East Coast with my adoptive father, my husband and my 17-month-old son in tow. I was about two months pregnant with my daughter at the time. My birthfather and his wife greeted us at a restaurant, with a hug and flowers in hand. After dinner, they were gracious and invited us home for cannoli and a chance to visit more.

At the house, I was excited to meet my half-sister, who was also the mother of a young son. My birthfather brought out a photograph of me, probably at about 2 years old, a pristine copy of a tattered photo that my birthmother’s sister had held on to for 20 years in Viet Nam. We never did DNA testing; this picture that they had both saved was proof enough. My birthfather also gave me a gold cross that my birthmother had given to him before he left Viet Nam, to protect him on his way home. Similarly, when my birthmother took me to the Friends of the Children of Viet Nam in Saigon to relinquish me, she had put a St. Christopher’s medallion on a string and tied it tight around my neck, to protect me in my new life. Giving me the photograph and the cross felt generous and thoughtful.

Over the next decade, we checked in periodically by letters or telephone. By the time we would meet in person again, I was widowed, a single mother of two young adolescent children. Having lost my husband, I again felt some urgency in making sure that my kids would meet their biological grandfather. And again, my birthfather was gracious in saying yes to my request. Our visit was sweet and the kids thought he and his wife were fun and kind. Before we left, my birthfather gifted us with an ornate serving set that he had brought back with him from Viet Nam.

Following that visit, much of our communication happened through Facebook, with occasional comments on each other’s posts. Facebook allowed us to see aspects of each other’s lives in a very natural way. I got a tiny idea of his sense of humour, his love of fishing and model trains. Facebook also happens to be the primary way that I maintain contact with my birthmother; we FaceTime and she sees my posts and photographs.

I didn’t want to post anything about my birthfather’s death on Facebook until I had the opportunity to FaceTime my birthmother in Viet Nam to let her know. During that initial visit with my birthfather in 2001, he told my dad that my birthmother had been his first love. This was a gift to hear, even knowing the sad outcome for them, because in some way it validated my birthmother’s faith that he would come back for us. She waited for eight years.

In my reunion video with my birthmother (five years before I found my birthfather), we are sitting at my grandparents’ dining room table. She is beaming at me, with an arm around me, and laughing, she says, “Beaucoup love made you! Yeah, beaucoup love made you.” When she looked at me, she saw him. She’d point to my features and say, “Same! Same!” It seemed to bring her joy, to see him in my face.

I was nervous to call her tonight to tell her the news. I asked my dear friend Suzie to join the call to help translate. I spoke in English, “My birthfather has died. X died. I am so sorry.” And immediately, she let out a mournful cry. Even though my birthmother eventually married and had five more children—the foundation and joy of her life—my birthfather held a special place in her heart as her first love. For a year in their young lives, they had loved each other a lot.

Suzie helped to translate the details that I’ve heard before. It was wartime. There was nothing they could do to be together. 50 years later, my birthfather’s passing is a loss to my birthmother. As a devout Catholic, she is praying for him now. There was a lot I didn’t know about my birthfather, and I would still like to know more, but I can also be at peace with what I know.

For now, I’m staying grounded in the gratitude that I feel for having found him, gratitude that he recognised me, and gratitude for the opportunities that I had to connect with him and his family. I’m saying a prayer for his wife and family as they navigate this loss.

Coming Next: Searching for my family in South Korea

자원

국제 입양에서의 탐색과 재결합

5월 25, 20235월 19, 2023

콜롬비아에서 가족 찾기

~에 의해 Jose Taborda, born in Colombia, raised in the USA

First journal entry by my adoptive mother

In the spring of 1978, I was born in Medellin, Colombia. Separated from my first family by adoption, I was brought by my adoptive parents to New Jersey and grew up with my younger adoptive sister in a Northern New Jersey suburb just outside of New York City.

I was lucky as an adoptee because my adoptive parents made a conscious decision to talk to me about my adoption from an early age. They attended a couple of workshops about adopting a child offered by an adoption agency prior to my adoption where they had been counselled to inform me as soon as possible about my adoption so as to normalise it for me. This advice informed their approach in terms of collecting information and artefacts of my adoption. This included stories of my adoption in Colombia in the form of journal entries written by my adoptive mother, a photograph of my first mother, and my adoption records containing identifying information about my first mother.

Upon refection, it wasn’t just luck and good advice, my parents were compassionate people who made the decision to share what they knew about my origins with me throughout my life. They had the right instincts that led them not only to send me a dossier containing every artefact about my adoption while I was in college and I first expressed an interest in searching, but also to support my search when I began.

When I moved to New York City in my mid-twenties, I started searching. At the time, I had a Yahoo! Email account and noticed that it offered searchable interest groups. There was a group called Colombian Adoptee Search and Support (CASAS), which gathered many people like me: twenty-something Colombian adoptees who grew up around New York City and living in the area! I was shocked to find hundreds of people who were sharing resources about searching, so I started making connections and attending meetups and dinners in Brooklyn and Manhattan where we enjoyed sharing stories and Latino fare.

Through these meetups, I had gotten the contact information of a private investigator in Medellin with whom I started to interact about my search. Because I had identifying information about my first mother, it took him two weeks to find her. A couple weeks after that, I had my first phone call with her. As one can imagine, finding my first mother within a month of beginning my search was all a whirlwind and very overwhelming. My excitement got the best of me, and I dove right into making plans for a reunion. Well, all of this came as a shock to my adoptive mother and sister, who weren’t as excited as me. They felt threatened by my news. I remember spending a lot of time convincing them that I wasn’t trying to replace them, but rather, it would be an opportunity to learn about my origins. They were not convinced that it was so simple. Searching for first family by adoptees may bring up many past trauma wounds for all members of the adoption constellation. I have heard stories of adoptees shying away from doing any searching while their adoptive parents are still alive due to the raw emotions around adoption that are very rarely acknowledged and dealt with during an adoptive family’s time living together. And when the possibility of a reunion arises, adoptees may find themselves having to reckon with these complicated emotions. This reckoning is not our responsibility as adoptees, but it may be an unanticipated and unwelcome reality that adoptees must face when searching and reuniting with first family.

Coincidentally, the film “Las Hijas” was going to be screened. It was timely that Maria Quiroga, a local filmmaker, was releasing the film profiling three female Colombian adoptees and their reunions with first family. So I invited my mother and sister to join me. It was an interesting experience because the filmmaker handled the subject matter responsibly in presenting the reality of how complicated reunions between adoptees and first family can be. It helped to see this objective perspective on the emotionally charged situation that was playing out for us. It provided a context for our sensitive conversations, and it helped us to understand that we were not the only ones experiencing the feelings we were. Despite all of that, we continued to have conversations that required my soothing their frayed feelings around my upcoming reunion.

One thing that stands out for me now sixteen years later as I reflect on my reunion as a young man, is that I did not pursue any mental health support to guide me on that complicated endeavour. In my local adoptee community, the discussion was more centred on the topic of search and reunion in my memory and not as much on adoption mental health issues. However, I acknowledge there is a high likelihood my antenna wasn’t tuned to that particular signal, so to speak. More recently, I have read a lot of highly-respected literature about adoption and mental health including 원초적인 상처 by Nancy Verrier and 입양된 자아의 여정 by Betty Jean Lifton to name a couple of outstanding examples. I am a regular listener to adoptee podcasts including 입양인 with host Haley Radke and 적응 with host Kaomi Lee among others. I have met many adoptees and I am lucky to live close to an adoptee organization called Also Known As, Inc. that hosts meet ups for transracial, intercountry adoptees. Wise adoptees and adoption professionals these days counsel adoptees who are engaged in reunion to set some boundaries that include having a third-party present during reunion meetings, not staying with first family right away, and pursuing therapy before, during, and after reunion. I did none of those things.

All of this gathering of resources and self-education on the intersection of adoption and mental health has demonstrated to me that I took a very impetuous, uninformed, and quite risky path on my reunion journey. I stayed with my first mother and her family for three weeks at their home in an outlying municipality of Medellin. I do have very positive memories from my first visit in 2006 that led me to return in the two subsequent years. However, somewhere down the line some members of my first family started to develop expectations that involved money. It was not much at first, but, with time, their boldness grew. This expectation made me uncomfortable because I didn’t want to have to explain to any of them that I am a professional in a field that is not very highly-compensated. To them, I was just the more fortunate one who was able to escape their humble circumstances. No matter how difficult my personal situation was, they are right that I had many more opportunities in the U.S. than they did in Colombia, but I did not feel that it was my responsibility to have to provide for them. I wanted to just get to know them knowing that it would take time to develop a family bond. Truly, I faced hard feelings when they asked for money and that made things very confusing for me. While I know that my experience is not unique, I wished that it wasn’t part of my reunion story. At some point, I stopped contacting them because it all became too much for me. This is where an intervention such as adoption-focused therapy would have been helpful.

Some years passed and I turned the page on my adoption by quite literally ceasing to think about my adoption and pausing all the actions I had taken to learn about my origins during my twenties. I turned thirty, I got married and became a new father, and I wanted to focus on my new family in Brooklyn. I was also in graduate school, so juggling responsibilities was the theme starting in 2010. Since that time, a lot has changed.

Nowadays, I am divorced, I am co-parenting a budding teenager, and I have settled into a career as a college educator. As I moved into middle-age, I became more introspective, and I found myself interrogating some difficult feelings that felt like depression and anxiety. When I realised that I did not have easy answers to that line of inquiry, I began searching for ways to remove barriers to happiness that had started showing up. It started to dawn on me that my adoption may be the cause of some of my bad decisions in life and the source of a feeling of malaise that crept in every now and again. I remember once sitting on a beach in the Rockaways with my best friend and confidant of many years and reflecting out loud that I should look into therapy for adoption to try to answer some nagging questions.

About six months after that conversation in 2021, I got around to doing some basic internet searching and was amazed by what I found. There was so much work that had been done in the intervening years since I started my search. As I previously mentioned, I went down a path of self-education, I engaged in some adoption-focused group therapy, and I have been attending online and in-person support groups made up of adoptees since that discovery. I have learned so much about myself and adoption since I started to reconnect to my adopted-self. Some of it has been difficult, but I am very happy to have opened myself up to feel, meditate, inquire, grieve, and build community. It is cliche, but I wish I knew during my reunion and prior what I know now.

In short, I hope that adoptees who are on the bold path of searching and reuniting with first family will take careful, well-informed steps. I know from my experience that there are no easy answers, and reunion may be when many hard questions rise to the surface. However, that search for the discovery and recovery of self and identity is worth it all because even if one does not find first family, there is so much to learn about oneself along the way.

I hope that adoptees take the time to explore all of the particular intersections of adoption and mental health including, but not limited to, the Primal Wound theory, the post-traumatic stress implications of adoption, ambiguous loss, and the Adoptee Consciousness Model. Most definitely read the two books by Verrier and Lifton previously mentioned. Check out Damon Davis’ podcast Who Am I Really?, and the two others previously mentioned. Read JaeRan Kim’s brilliant blog 할로우의 원숭이. If looking for a therapist in the U.S., check out Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker’s adoptee therapist directory curated on her website Grow Beyond Words. If one does not have the money to pursue therapy, there are plenty of books, podcasts, and support groups that could provide information and resources helpful in informing decisions around searching, finding, and reunion with first family. Just start checking out all of the amazing resources on Lynelle Long’s comprehensive treasure of a website 국가간 입양인의 목소리. Search on Facebook for a group you can join that holds online support groups, or, even better, search for a local group in your area to meet up in person with adoptees. A great place to search for a local group in the USA is on Pamela A. Karanova’s website Adoptees Connect.

The above is just a cursory glance at some of the most salient resources I have found that have nourished my soul as I step into more consciousness about my adoption on my journey of self-discovery. My greatest hope is that someone reading these words may find something in them to hold onto.

Coming Next: 중국에서 가족 찾기

자원

국제 입양에서의 탐색과 재결합

5월 20, 20235월 19, 2023

입양인 전문가 웨비나에 의한 해외 입양 검색

On 23 April 2023, ICAV ran a panel webinar to bring you the expertise of our Search professionals around the world, sharing their best words of wisdom for what to consider when undergoing searching in intercountry adoption. They directly represented adoptee organisations from Sri Lanka, Ethiopia, Sth Korea, Haiti, Colombia and Greece.

Watch the webinar here:
참고: Chrome에서 보는 경우 동영상을 보려면 자세히 알아보기 버튼을 클릭하세요.

Timecode

For those who are time poor and want to skip to the sections that are relevant, here is a timecode to assist:

00:20 Intro, Welcome, Purpose
04:30 Intro of panelists
04:39 Marcia Engel
06:48 Rebecca Payot
09:29 Jonas Desír
10:25 Linda Carol Trotter
12:55 Kayla Curtis
15:22 Hilbrand Westra
17:44 Benoît Vermeerbergen
21:00 Celin Fässler

Questions / Answers

23:28 What does the general search process involve? – Kayla
27:30 What should adoptees to do prepare? – Linda, Marcia
35:51 What are some of the outcomes? – Jonas, Kayla, Linda
46:50 Some possible barriers to expect? – Rebecca, Linda
56:51 What ethics to consider? – Marcia, Kayla
1:06:40 What should a search cost? – Rebecca, Linda, Celin
1:11:46 Who to trust? Hilbrand, Jonas
1:16:16 What issues to consider in DNA testing? – Benoît
1:19:18 What outcomes can result with DNA testing? – Benoît
1:20:40 What DNA tests do you recommend? Benoït, Marcia
1:23:51 What are the advantages of using an adoptee led search org? – Celin, Marcia
1:28:28 What was involved in becoming a trusted Government funded search org? – Celin
1:30:36 What is needed most from Governments to help adoptees in our searching? – Hilbrand, Marcia

Summary of Key Messages

딸깍 하는 소리 여기 for a pdf of our Key Messages from each panelist

자원

Huge thanks to the 26 adoptees who wanted to share their experiences of searching so that others can gain a deeper understanding. They represent experiences of 13 birth countries (China, Colombia, India, Malaysia, Morocco, Peru, Philippines, Romania, Russia, South Korea, Sri Lanka, Thailand, Vietnam), sent to 9 adoptive countries (Australia, Belgium, Canada, France, Germany, Scotland, Sweden, UK, USA).

ICAVs newest Perspective Paper on Searching in Intercountry Adoption

For more resources, see our Searching & Reunion page

4월 3, 20234월 4, 2023

친애하는 엄마와 아빠

~에 의해 젠 이더링턴, 캐나다 원주민으로 태어나 호주 가정에 입양됨

친애하는 엄마와 아빠,

당신이 이 행성을 떠난 지 34년이 지났습니다. . 당신을 만날 수 있기를 평생 바랐습니다. 당신이 저를 마지막으로 본 게 언제인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 그래도 당신이 나를 본 것이 마지막이라고 생각하지 않았을 거라 확신합니다. 나는 당신들이 내가 어디에서 끝났는지 알고 있다는 것을 압니다. 아빠가 나를 입양한 아빠를 알고 있다는 걸 알아요.

Kerry와 Steve(엄마와 아빠)는 당신이 만날 수 있는 가장 놀라운 두 사람입니다. 나는 당신과 마찬가지로 그들이 만나는 거의 모든 사람들에게 사랑받는다고 믿습니다. 나는 세 살 때 Kerry와 Steve에게서 남동생을 얻었습니다. 그의 이름은 Josh이고 우리는 어렸을 때 아주 잘 지냈습니다. 우리는 싸움이 거의 없었습니다. Kerry와 Steve에 의해 올바르게 양육되었을 뿐만 아니라 우리 성격의 훌륭한 조합이라고 생각하고 싶습니다.

내가 놀라운 어린 시절을 보냈다는 것을 알면 기뻐할 것입니다. 내가 7살이었을 때 Brody라는 또 다른 남동생이 생겼습니다. BroBro와 저는 더 사교적이고 외향적이기 때문에 더 비슷했습니다. Josh, Brody와 저는 아주 잘 지냈습니다. Kerry와 Steve는 훌륭한 가치로 우리를 키웠습니다. 우리는 자라서 호주 동부 해안에 있는 테라바다 명상 센터 근처로 이사했습니다. 나는 그곳에서 내가 사촌이라고 생각하는 이상한 아이들을 만났습니다. 내가 입양되면 내 가족도 입양할 수 있다고 생각했습니다.

어린 시절 인종차별에 대한 무자비한 괴롭힘과 대상화 등 몇 가지 어려움이 있었습니다. 어디를 가도 항상 존노라는 애가 . 나는 그것이 내 성격을 파괴하지 않도록 도와줄 강한 친구들이 내 주위에 있어서 운이 좋았다.

우리는 가족과 함께 많은 시간을 보내는 것이 그들에게 중요했기 때문에 거의 모든 휴일을 온 가족과 함께 보내며 자랐습니다. 우리는 멋진 휴가 캠핑을 갔고, 해변 캐러밴 공원에 머물렀고, 가족과 함께 엑스포 88과 같은 이정표 박람회에 갔고, 멋진 집에 머물렀습니다. Steve의 엄마가 빅토리아에 살았기 때문에 우리는 많은 휴가를 위해 캐나다에 도착했습니다. 나에 대한 케리의 꿈은 내가 준비되었을 때 당신을 만나는 것이었다는 것을 압니다. 나는 그녀가 당신이 죽었다는 소식을 들었을 때 가슴이 아팠다는 것을 압니다. 나는 혼란스러웠다. 내가 Kerry, Steve, Josh, Brody와 다르게 보였기 때문에 내가 입양되었다는 것을 알았습니다. 내가 당신의 장례식에 가고 싶은지 물었을 때 나는 9살이었고 어떻게 처리해야 할지 확신이 서지 않았고 지금은 거기에 가지 못한 것을 후회합니다.

괴롭힘과 성적 학대를 제외하고는 꽤 좋은 학교 경험을했습니다. 나는 아빠처럼 똑똑하다고 들었습니다. 나는 지능을 사용하는 데 거의 노력을 기울이지 않습니다. 나보다 더 눈에 띄지 않는 것이 자기보존인지 모르겠다.

나를 키운 세 번째 사람이 있었는데 그녀는 훌륭했습니다. 그녀는 내 아줌마, Nanette였습니다. 나는 그녀를 너무 사랑했고 그녀는 놀라운 사람이었습니다. 전화 발신자 표시가 있기 전에도 나는 항상 그녀가 전화를 걸고 있다는 것을 알고 있었습니다. Nanette도 내 결혼식에서 나에게 양보했습니다. 내 결혼식은 20년 전 이틀 전이었다. 내가 결혼한 남자는 좋은 사람이 아니었다. 나는 그에게서 많은 학대를 받았습니다. 우리는 만난 지 10년 만에 운 좋게 헤어졌다. 나는 아이가 없었고 그것에 대해 12 개월 동안 치료를 받았습니다. 나는 아이가 있으면 괜찮을려고 애썼다. 나는 당신이 나를 잃는 것이 어땠을지 상상할 수 없고 그 경험을 다시 할 수 있을지, 그리고 그것이 당신에게 어땠을지 너무 걱정했습니다.

내 공감이 어디에서 오는지 모르겠지만 그것은 축복이자 저주입니다. 나는 두 번의 유산을 겪었고 두 번째 유산에서만 심장 박동을 들었습니다. 어제 회사에서 찍은 사진입니다. 그들은 조화의 날을 보냈고 우리의 토템을 세웠습니다.

묻고 싶은 것도, 말하고 싶은 것도 너무 많았다. 엄마 아빠 사랑해요. 저는 이제 멋진 가족이 있습니다. 엄마와 아빠(Kerry와 Steve), 형제, 조카들, 파트너 James가 있습니다. 이모는 슬프게 돌아가셨지만 그녀와 시간을 보낼 수 있어서 너무 감사합니다.

Jen의 이전 블로그 읽기: 돈은 캐나다 원주민으로서 잃은 것을 보상하지 않습니다

자원

캐나다의 퍼스트 네이션

200명 이상의 도난당한 퍼스트 네이션 어린이들이 캐나다의 표시가 없는 무덤에서 발견됨

도둑맞은 세대 – 캐나다와 호주: 동화의 유산

3월 5, 20233월 3, 2023

어린 시절 슬픔 배우기

~에 의해 폴 브라이언 토비, 영국 국내 입양인이자 재능 있는 예술가, 입양인 옹호자, 2022 글로벌 어논 입양인 설문조사

나는 어제 "Dogpache" 두 마리의 도고호크와 춤을 추는 또 다른 라인 사진의 음영을 채우고 있었고 나중에 내 몸과 팔을 통해 염증이 발생하는 것을 발견했습니다 …

나는 이미지를 여러 번 반복하고 종종 입양인의 감정에 대한 깊은 여행을 산출합니다 .. 내 경우 핵심 트라우마는 아동 학대를 받고 입양 후 사용됩니다 ..

천천히 이미지의 이동은 내 감정을 반영하고 통증을 해결하는 데 사용하는 새로운 각도와 프리즘을 보여줍니다 .. 지금 내가 원할 때 언제든지 할 수 있는 치료 유형에서 은퇴하면서 감정을 허용하도록 훈련받았습니다. 그들이 되고 싶은 것이 되십시오.

그래서 팔이 공중으로 올라가서 발톱이 생기고 생모의 사진이 떠올랐습니다..아이가 얼굴을 긁는 것 같았습니다. 그리고 나는 그것을 내 "이미지 영역"과 공중으로 .. 나는 꽤 합리적이고 미쳤고 괜찮습니다 .. 나는 잘 발달 된 창의적인 마음을 가지고 있습니다 ..

3살에 생모가 가버리고 그 핵심부위가 나중에 내 몸을 함부로 사용해서.. 1940년 생모가 7살때 남겨둔 사람을 알고있었는데 ..어쨌든 괴로운 감정을 느꼈지만.. 막힌 입에서 돌아온 또 다른 프리즘 .. 머플러 언어. 안전을 유지하십시오 … 아무 말도 하지 마십시오…

마침내 나의 울부짖음-입-아이-구멍에서 고통이 터져나와 엄마를 찾아 울부짖는 유령 같은 울음소리를 해결했습니다...유아기의 거대한 파편화 장에 있는 또 다른 프리즘이 나를 위해 수선하고 있습니다.. 어떻게 고쳐질까요? ? 존재와 그 자체가 됨으로써 ..마침내 존재를 허용함으로써, 존재 자체로서 .. 그 어린아이처럼 슬퍼하는 것.

그거 아프니 ? 염증의 단계에 있을 때 네... 몸이 초기 마음의 오래된 "거짓말"을 숨기고 있기 때문에 그럼에도 불구하고 공포로부터 나를 보호하려고 했습니다..지금은 보호할 필요가 없습니다(가난한 자동 뇌) 사실 난 전부가 되어야지 .. 내가 나로 안고 .. 그게 다야 ..

이제 나는 마침내 다시 젊어질 수 있을 만큼 나이가 들었고 모든 것을 담을 수 있는 두뇌가 발달했기 때문에 내 다양한 과거의 것들을 느낄 수 있습니다. ..감정 연결과 그러한 형태의 내적 통합으로 돌아가는 느린 길입니다. 나는 "누가 거기에 있었어야 했는데 없었는지"라는 슬픔을 토해낼 필요가 있음을 주목합니다. …

그것이 (엄마를 위한) 충족되지 않은 욕구를 해결할 수 있는 슬픔과 울음으로 줄이는 것의 요점입니다..."엄마아아아아아"... "HOwlllll".. 나는 일어난 일을 받아들이는 느린 길을 걸어왔지만 일어난 일은 수년 동안 왜곡된 고통을 겪었습니다. .. 그래서 아직도 미술계의 괴물들과 친구가 되어 그들을 울리고 풍경도 울부짖게 만든다 ..

OWWWWWLLLL OWWWWOOOOOOOO … 나는 해리 감정 감옥에 묶여 있던 나의 초기 원초적 영혼을 풀어주는 하울을 좋아합니다. 나는 슬픔에서 멈춘 어린 시절처럼 슬퍼하는 법을 배웠습니다… 나는 여기 내 안에 있다... 나는 도착했다 .. 나는 내 피부에 더 나은 집에 있고 더 긍정적인 방식으로 슬프다. 비극은 ..

2월 23, 20235월 18, 2023

영국 국제 입양인 웨비나

2023년 1월 30일, 영국의 해외 입양인 소규모 그룹이 웨비나 패널 행사에 참여하여 입양 부모 단체와 그들의 생각과 경험을 공유했습니다. 입양영국.

이 웨비나에서는 스리랑카에서 입양된 Sarah Hilder, 에콰도르에서 입양된 Joshua Aspden, 브라질에서 입양된 Emma Estrella, 중국에서 입양된 Meredith Armstrong, 홍콩에서 입양된 Claire Martin을 만나게 됩니다. 우리는 함께 양부모가 묻는 몇 가지 질문에 답합니다. 입양영국 묻다.

웨비나를 시청하세요. 아래에는 타임코드, 주요 메시지 및 관련 리소스가 있습니다.
참고: Chrome에서 보는 경우 동영상을 보려면 자세히 알아보기 버튼을 클릭하세요.

웨비나 타임코드

00:20 소개 입양 영국에서
01:03 소개 ICAV의 Lynelle에서
02:44 사라 힐더
03:35 클레어 마틴
05:34 메러디스 암스트롱
07:39 엠마 에스트렐라
09:39 조슈아 아스펜
12:17 가족을 찾는 동안 사기꾼으로부터 자신을 보호하는 방법 – 라이넬
17:23 인생 이야기 작업에 접근하기 위한 팁 – 메러디스
20:54 당신이 태어난 나라의 가족에게 입양되었다면 삶이 더 나아졌을 것이라고 생각합니까?
21:27 여호수아
24:56 엠마
28:00 국제 입양을 시작할 때 양부모가 무엇을 알기를 원합니까?
28:24 클레어
32:25 메러디스
35:12 사라
38:24 엠마
40:24 여호수아
43:34 라이넬
45:30 귀하의 유산과 가장 관련이 있는 것은 무엇입니까?
45:45 사라
48:23 클레어
49:30 여호수아
51:07 위탁 가정 방문을 계획 중인데, 입양인에게 생길 큰 감정을 관리하기 위한 요령이나 힌트가 있나요?
51:30 메러디스
52:24 엠마
54:25 라이넬
56:24 조 엔딩과 감사

웨비나 주요 메시지 요약

여기를 클릭하십시오 pdf 문서

포기에 대한 두려움에 민감하게 반응

~에 의해 라일라 남, 미국에서 자란 중국인 입양인

"목에 있는 열쇠는 뭐죠?" – 나는 내가 어디에서 왔는지에 대해 질문을 받는 만큼 그 질문을 받습니다.

나는 목에 황금 열쇠를 걸고 있다. 10년째 그렇게 입고 있습니다.

“함께함은 사랑입니다, 10.02.62” 한쪽과 “산다른 한편으로.

반항아였던 우리 엄마는 어린 시절 가장 친한 친구와 함께 학교를 빼먹기로 결정했습니다. 그들은 뉴욕의 거리를 배회했습니다. 그들은 열쇠를 찾았습니다. 그들은 주인/장소를 찾으려고 노력했습니다. 그러나 그것은 길 한가운데 던져졌기 때문에 성공하지 못했습니다. 우리 엄마와 가장 친한 친구는 항상 그것이 연인의 싸움이라고 생각했습니다. 분노에 휩싸인 열쇠.

엄마가 나를 입양했을 때로 빨리 감기.

어렸을 때 부모님이 데이트 밤에 집에 오지 않으실까봐 두려웠습니다.

우리 엄마는 “이 탑에서 이 황금 열쇠를 가져가세요. 당신이 자고 있을 때 우리는 집에 있을 것이고 당신은 개인적으로 아침에 나에게 그것을 줄 수 있습니다.” 그것은 나에게 보안 감각을 주었다. 엄마와 아빠가 나와 함께 있고 돌아올 것처럼.

고등학교를 졸업할 때 다른 주에서 대학에 진학하기로 결정했습니다. 선물로 엄마가 금열쇠를 달아서 선물로 주셨는데 항상 나와 함께 하겠다는 약속으로 엄마아빠는 항상 집에서 내가 집에 오기를 기다리며 키 손에(정확히 말하면 목 주위).

발렌타인 데이를 기념하여 하트 모양의 열쇠에 대한 작은 이야기.

2월 11, 20232월 10, 2023

권리가 아닌 특권

~에 의해 카미나 홀, 흑인, 초인종, 늦게 발견된 미국 입양인

그들은 삶을 창조하고 소유하는 것이 그들의 권리, 그들의 권리라고 말합니다.
흥미롭게도 이것은 아내를 사는 것만큼이나 오래된 인식입니다.
우리는 거래되고 팔리는 소에 지나지 않습니까?
아니면 우리는 그녀의 자궁을 통해 보내진 우주의 빛이며 금보다 더 소중합니까?

학위 취득에 들어가는 공부와 수고의 양이 흥미롭습니다.
그러나 생명을 형성할 때 누구든지 원하는 대로 할 수 있습니다.
마음을 바꾸거나 피부색이 잘못되었거나 단순히 너무 어리십니까?
펜을 휘두르면 그 새로운 영혼이 손을 바꾸고 그들의 삶은 끝납니다.

나는 당신의 얼굴을 보기도 전에 당신의 심장 박동, 목소리, 냄새를 알았습니다.
그들의 팔이 당신을 대신하려고 시도했을지 모르지만 아무도 당신을 대신하지 않았습니다.
내 영혼에는 내가 존재하는지도 몰랐던 어둡고 공허한 하품 공허가 있었습니다.
마약, 섹스, 술, 자기 파괴 행위; 여전히 광기는 계속되었습니다.

우리는 단호히 선언합니다. 당신은 생명을 소유할 수 없으며 생명을 창조하는 것은 당신의 권리가 아닙니다.
영혼은 자신의 싸움을 할 수 있을 때까지 우주로부터 빌려온 당신의 보살핌 속에 있습니다.
창작할 때 삶의 연못에 떨어뜨리는 의미와 파문을 진지하게 받아들이세요.
우리는 잠시 동안만 아이들이고, 성인이 되는 것은 트라우마 진정제 더미로 우리를 봅니다.

그녀의 Youtube 채널에서 Kamina를 팔로우할 수 있습니다. 코치 카미나
ICAV에서 Kamina의 다른 게스트 게시물 읽기:
다인종 입양인으로서의 치유
당신의 슬픔은 당신의 선물입니다

2월 3, 20232월 3, 2023

베트남에서 입양된 남매가 DNA로 서로를 찾습니다.

Mikati is a fellow Vietnamese adoptee raised in Belgium, who joined the ICAV network some years ago, wanting to connect to those who understood the complexities of this lifelong journey. I’m honoured to be a part of her life and she told me the amazing news recently of finding and reuniting with her biological brother Georges who was also adopted, but to France. Neither knew of the other until their DNA matches showed up. Together, Mikati and Georges have shared with me their thoughts about finding each other and searching now for their Vietnamese family. Since sharing this and having their news go viral in Vietnamese media, they are currently awaiting news that they have possibly found their mother. Incredible what can be achieved these days with DNA technology and social media! Here is their story as reunited brother and sister.

About Your Life

Georges

I’ve been adopted in 1996 by French parents and my Vietnamese name is Trương Vanlam. I live in Noisy-le-Grand, a little Parisian suburb near the river Marne. I happily live with my cat and girlfriend.

My life in France (childhood to present) meant I’ve grown up in the countryside surrounded by medieval castles, fields and forests. It has not always been easy to be different in a place where Asian people were very rare to encounter. I was a shy kid but I was happy to have the love of my adoptive family and some friends. Later, I studied in Paris, a pluri-ethnic place with a lot of people from different origins. I have an interest in arts like theatre and cinema and I’ve started to develop short films with my friends. I am not shy anymore but creative and more confident.

My adoptive parents were very happy to see me for Christmas. They are retired and they don’t leave their village very often like before. They try to help me as much as they can and are happy about my reconnection to my new found sister, Mikati. I trust and respect my adoptive parents and they trust me and respect me equally.

I teach cinema, video editing and graphics with Adobe suite to adults and teens. I’m making videos and one day, I hope to become a movie director.

Mikati

I was born in 1994 and adopted to Belgium in June 1995 at 7 months of age. I currently live in Kortrijk in West-Flanders, Belgium. My childhood was in Anzegem, not so far from Kortrijk.

I have been able to develop and grow up in Belgium. I have some dear friends. I have a nice job. Over the years I have made beautiful trips in and out of Europe and met many people. I have done two studies – orthopedagogy and social work. Here I learned how important human, children’s and women’s rights are. I have been working for a non-profit organization for years. I follow up families in socially vulnerable situations and connect them with a student who is studying at the college or university. I did not study to be a teacher, but it is true that I do train students about how they can work with vulnerable families, how they can reflect on their actions, etc.

My childhood wasn’t all that fantastic. As an intercountry adoptee, I grew up in a white environment. That environment had little respect for my original roots. Sometimes I would walk down the street and hear racial slurs from people I didn’t know. As much as I tried to assimilate, I didn’t forget my roots.

My Vietnamese name is Pham Thi Hoa Sen which says a lot about what my life has been like. I grew up to turn out beautiful but I grew up in mud just like a lotus flower. A thorough screening could have prevented a lot. My adoptive parents are not bad people and they did their best, but they underestimated the care needed for children adopted internationally. My adoptive mother already had two children from a previous marriage that she was no longer allowed to see. She was mentally unable to raise children. My adoptive parents are burdened by trauma that they have not worked through. At that time there was also little to no psychological support and guidance for adoptive parents. It was very difficult growing up with them. It is by seeking help for myself and talking to people about it, that I am more aware of life. Just because you mean well and have good intentions does not mean that you are acting right.

About Your Reunion

Georges

It has been surreal, like a dream and a little bit frightening to be found by my sister because all my beliefs about my personal history are now unsure. The first days, I remember repeating again and again, “I’ve got an elder sister, I’ve got an elder sister”. Then we started to talk and get to know each other more and it became more real. Now I’m very happy and proud to have Mikati as my sister. It’s very strange because even though we met only two weeks ago, I feel like I have know her for a long time. For me, it’s a new step in my life, the beginning of a journey where I will connect more with her, with Vietnam, where we will try to discover our family story, I hope.

Mikati is a strong and caring woman who is always trying to help others despite having encountered many difficulties in her life. She’s very passionate, clever, funny and above all I respect and admire the person she is. We like to discuss many things from important subjects like international adoptions and smaller subjects like the life of our respective cats or tv series or why Belgians are so proud to eat French fries with mayonnaise. I don’t know why but I’ve quickly felt a connection with her. It could be because of our shared DNA but I think it’s more probably because she is fundamentally fantastic as a person. I like to tease her a little sometime and she’s very patient with me and my jokes! We’ve got our differences of course, but siblings always have differences. I’m very glad to have her in my life.

Mikati

1.5 years ago I decided to take a DNA test through MyHeritage (a commercial DNA-kit). To get a bit of an indication of where my roots come from. Through the result I got a little more information about ethnicity and I saw distant relatives. It was cool to know something because I know very little about my roots. I hadn’t looked at MyHeritage in a long time until early December 2022. I have no idea why exactly as I didn’t even get a notification. To my surprise, I saw that I had a new match. It wasn’t just any distant relative, it was my brother! He lived in a neighbouring country, France!

You have to know that I just woke up when I looked at my mobile phone, so I immediately sent a message to some close friends and my guidance counsellor at the Descent Center. I wanted to know if I was dreaming. Finally I got the confirmation from the experts at the Descent Center that my DNA result were real and we share over 2500 centimorgans! That means he is not half but rather, a full brother.

I was so happy! So many emotions raced through my body that day. I saw a lot of people who were also adopted at an event that day. Most of them were a great support. Most were as happy and moved as I was. A minority reacted rather short, jealous or gave unsolicited advice about anything and everything. I also understand their feelings. It is an exceptional situation that triggers many emotions. Those emotions of others made it sometimes overwhelming for me.

I contacted Georges through Facebook. I wondered if he had already seen it. When he didn’t reply, a friend gave me his LinkedIn profile that had his email address on it. I felt like a little stalker but I decided to send him an email as well. I sent him a little text and gave him the option to get in touch if he wanted to. When he answered, he introduced himself and asked a few questions. The contact was open, enthusiastic and friendly. So we are very sure of the DNA match, but some mysteries soon surfaced quickly during the first conversation. We told each other what name we got on our adoption papers. Our last names are different. I see on my adoption papers that I have the same last name as my mother. Maybe he has the father’s last name? Georges has not yet properly looked at his adoption papers, so there are still pieces of the puzzle missing.

I am happy when I connect with my brother. The contact feels so natural! We talk and joke like we have known each other for years. We both got a little emotional when we talked about our childhood but also realised how close geographically we grew up. Georges is barely 14 months younger than me. Did the orphanage ever talk to my adoptive parents and suggest taking Georges too? So that we could grow up together? What would my adoptive parents do in such a situation? With a reunion, the search for one’s identity is not over. In fact, it has opened up many more questions!

About your biological family in Vietnam

Georges

My determination to find my family in Vietnam has increased since I met my elder sister but I’ve always been curious to find more information about my biological mother and father. Growing up as an adopted child, I grew up with a perpetual mystery about my origins. It defines me, marking me forever because I’m always facing the fear of being rejected again . Like many adoptees, I grew up with this explanation: “Your first parents left you because of their poverty.” This is speculation which may be true or not and we do not know until the facts are gathered. I feel no anger about that but I want to know the real motives, the real story from their point of view. Was it their decision or not….?

Mikati is really passionate and determined in this search and about our story and she told me about the real problems caused by some organisations which have seen international adoption as a business in the 1990s. I did research to gather information based on official and independent reports from the press and UNICEF and I talked to adopted people who have been in our orphanage. I’m worried about some testimonies, about the lack of transparency in the adoption process and to adoptive parents, adopted children and biological parents and now I want to be sure if our parents gave their consent or not. I’m also determined to discover this truth and to show our journey through a documentary in order give more information about what could have been problematic in international adoption in the 1990s to year 2000. I’m not alone in this quest ,my elder sister is with me and I’m with her.

I’ve never had the opportunity to return to Vietnam yet but it is something I hope to do in the near future. I’m sure it won’t be only for fun and tourism!

You can follow Georges at 페이스북, 링크드인 또는 유튜브.

Mikati

I have my reasons for wanting to find my parents. Under Article 7 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, the child has a right to information about his or her parentage. It is also fundamental in human beings to know where they come from. As long as I don’t know the story about my biological parents, I can’t be mad. I really wonder what their
story is. I know it’s going to be hard to search. I know that commercial DNA testing is less used in Vietnam. Papers and names were sometimes forged. I don’t know if my mom actually came from My Tho. Is her name really Tuyet Mai? Right now I’m looking at it mostly inquisitively and with compassion. I want to look at the bigger picture. Why is it that parents are faced with the decision to give up a child? How can a system support parents so that such things do not have to happen again?

Recently a Vietnamese woman contacted me on social media. She told me why she had given up her child in the same orphanage as Georges and I. It has not been easy for her to find out where her child went and she continues to search for her child, even if it was more than 20 years ago. She is still saddened by the situation. If anyone can help us broaden this search, please see 여기.

I have lost contact with my adoptive parents, so they know nothing about my search. I’m sure my adoptive mother would have disapproved.

It would be nice if we find our parents, but we’ll see. I am very grateful for Phuc who has offered to help us search. He seems very nice. I hear from other adoptees that he is friendly and reliable. I also read articles about him and it’s unbelievable what he does to bring families together! I would find it courageous if families dare to come out for what was difficult in the past and why they gave up their child. By telling their story as biological parents, even if they feel ashamed, our society can learn and improve the future.

There are adoptees whose biological parents thought their baby was stillborn but it was actually sold for adoption. If that’s the case with our parents, they don’t even know we are alive. Our story can be everything. It’s hard to know what our case was.

I have so many unanswered questions and I would like to know my family’s story.

If I were to see my biological mother again, the first thing I would tell her is that I would like to get to know her and listen to her story.

Vietnam will always be special to me, even though I didn’t grow up there. I was 9 years old when I went back with my adoptive parents and my sister (non biological) who is also adopted. We went from North to South. Even though my adoptive mother was negative about Vietnam, she couldn’t ruin it for me. The food, the smiling people, the chaos in Ho Chi Minh and the nature in smaller villages have stayed with me. Now I’m reading more about Vietnam and talking more to Vietnamese people. I am saving up to travel to Vietnam again. Maybe alone, maybe with friends or maybe with Georges. We’ll see. But I certainly will go back and learn more about my beautiful country.

You can follow Mikati and her journey at 페이스북 또는 인스 타 그램.

To read Mikati and Georges’ story as published in the Vietnam media, click 여기 and the English translation 여기.