esperienza di adozione | InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)

Giugno 19, 2023Maggio 24, 2023

Searching for my family in the Philippines

The following blog series will be dedicated to our Ricerca in adozione internazionale series. These individual stories are being shared from our Carta di prospettiva that was also shared with our Webinar, Searching in Intercountry Adoption by Adoptee Experts..

di Desiree Maru, born in the Philippines, raised in the USA

I was born in destitute poverty in the Philippines in 1985 and hence relinquished to an adoption agency on the day that I was born. I was taken care of at Asilo de la Milagrosa, in the care of Catholic nuns who were social workers at the time, and adopted via Holt International to the USA when I was about two years old. I did not know my adoptive parents, nor did they come out to the Philippines to get to know me. My name legally changed, and I was flown from an airplane and delivered to Caucasian strangers that were my legally binding family.

I grew up in Wisconsin, in the Midwest, and had an adopted brother, who was two years older than me, who was also adopted from the Philippines, from a different orphanage. We grew up not being taught about the Philippines. We grew up with a lack of pride or understanding of our home culture, heritage, customs and language. Instead we were heavily assimilated into the Western culture; we were asked a few times about our culture from our adoptive parents but it wasn’t enough support to keep us connected to our home traditions.

Barriers included a lack of being informed from our adoptive parents about our homeland, ancestry and we also lacked emotional-psychological support for intercountry adoptees in the Midwest at the time. I vaguely remember a time when my adoptive mother sat me down in the living room, back in Wisconsin, she told me I was adopted, and I said, “I know,” and walked out of the living room. I went back to my bedroom to be by myself. That’s the tone of my childhood, where I was showing like I didn’t care when in fact, the whole experience was difficult for me. But I didn’t know how to reach out or talk about it to anybody.

My brother had a lot of issues and we moved to Arizona in high school to try to start over as a family. This is a time when my adoptive mother came into my bedroom and showed me my biological papers. She said she had to wait until I was 18 to give these to me, but I was close enough to the age, or something along those lines. She left, and I looked at them and I cried. I saw the name of my birth mother, and I longed to know more about her.

I imagined my birth mother a lot in those days. I wrote poetry, and it was never enough to fill the gap and missing pieces of my heart.

Obstacles in searching at the time was that my biological papers, which had been established by social workers in the Philippines, didn’t preserve much of any functional information for independently searching for family members or family history. These biological papers lacked any kind of suitable, identifiable information that preserved in any way my heritage and family tree information, which would be necessary to piece together my past without needing the very individuals to re-establish the knowledge of my heritage.

My biological papers revealed next to nothing about my father, which later on, I would find that the information that was volunteered by my birth mother was also false. But as a teenager, when all I have are these old, governmentally-certified papers from my home country, that’s all that I had. So these old-fashioned, brittle documents were my only hope, which were papers that scarcely were able to certify my birth on thin, fragile paper. I had a feeding schedule from my orphanage and a mighty, descriptive report of what I looked like and acted like as a vulnerable baby in the orphanage. And that was all I had of my entire past. These artefacts showed I was just a product of the adoption process.

I finally decided to pursue a reunion when I was in my mid-twenties. I discovered that Holt International actually had a search and reunion department, so I emailed them, and started the process. They reached out to my old orphanage, Asilo de la Milagrosa, and the kind social workers there had found my files. They also went themselves to the address of my birth mother, and thankfully, she still lived there. From that point, they coordinated with her.

I planned a trip to the Philippines with barely enough funds to cover this at the time. It was difficult because my adoptive mother wasn’t supportive at all, and nobody from my adoptive family supported me either. But in a few months, I was able to create an itinerary. I was to leave Seattle, to the Philippines, and I was given a place to stay with the Intercountry Adoption Board of the Philippines, and later, Asilo de la Milegrosa had guest quarters too.

The cost of a reunion is plenty. The cost of travel is hefty. But the main cost to consider is the toll of what you’re undergoing psychologically and emotionally. You’ve spent all your life fabricating an identity away from this place, and now you’re returning, and you’re having to break out of that safety net to acknowledge and face parts of your past that had been concealed all this time. So it is disruptive to the security in our lives. It is a risk one takes as well, because you don’t know the results, and how you’ll process the experience post-reunion either.

The outcome of this search was that I was unknowingly able to have a reunion granted for me, with my birth mother and half-birth brother, due to all of these circumstances leading up to this being uniquely favourable and available to me at the time.

My reunion was in 2012, and it is now 2023 and I’m living on my own in Indiana. My adopted brother recently passed away last year, homeless on the streets of the Philippines, in 2022. He lacked much needed support throughout his whole life, which will always weigh on me, and I miss him everyday. I don’t talk with my adoptive family anymore, although I had kept in touch with my adoptive parents and grandparents mainly. I just have one surviving adoptive grandfather now as well, so life has changed even in their circumstances.

After experiencing the whole search and reunion process, I do have my own perspectives to share. I think what is needed is that every adoption company and governmental organisation should have a search and reunion department for all adoptees to utilise.

Every adoption agency and birth country of an orphaned or vulnerable child should be collecting all of their biographical information including family trees and family members, so that they can have the knowledge of their past to utilise for their own personal purposes. Adoptees should have a right to have their family history preserved and safeguarded, administratively. Their biographical information, including birth information and birth records, needs to be preserved as best as possible, and social workers should make sure that all information is accurate and not in fact made up.

This biographical information is what holds the last of an adoptee’s own cultural identity and historical background, and even medically, this is paramount. This information could give a sense of security and psychological support if anything, which could save society a lot of issues in the long run. It would hold well in the search and reunion process because the more information adoptees are given, the more options adoptees have for meeting or getting to know their home countries in ways that are comfortable for them.

Supportive resources include the adoption agencies free search and reunion administrative support, biological paper filing and holding for the adoptee; it is giving an adoptee full access to their records at any time as well. Intercountry adoption boards or agencies of the home country, and the orphanage that the adoptee was cared for at, all need to be officially accountable. They all need to have proper records of the vulnerable child, and proper process and procedures for the search and reunion. Support should be accessible on a regular basis.

There should be rapid communication readily available for adoptees today such as having proper email addresses, current phone numbers and customer service at hand. Support should be granted such as places to stay when the adoptee visits the home country and on a reunion; they should be informed of the reunion process, given counselling support, translator support, and if someone can document the reunion for the adoptee, that could help too.

Now in 2023, after all these years of living life, pursuing therapies, working and becoming the owner of my own life, I’ve decided to start a new chapter of my search and reunion by requesting a MyHeritage DNA Kit for starting an initial search for biological relatives, and to also learn about my DNA heritage, and where I come from. This DNA kit was free due to the program in place recently, which was why I’d participated in requesting this kit.

The difference in this is that before, I would say, I experienced more of a direct line to my poverty-stricken past at Asilo de la Milagrosa, where in my mid-twenties, I met my birth mother and half birth-brother in 2012. Now, it is simply nice to search in a more discovery-toned, self-paced way, versus having to respond to a critical need to grasp the truth of what happened to me as a vulnerable baby and understand why my mother gave me up when I was born.

In this DNA search, I don’t have to ask too many hard questions, although even to this day, some questions can still linger in my mind from time to time: Why didn’t my biological family contact me all this time? Why wasn’t I able to mend the fabric of my biological family history at a certain point in my life? And, why did my past have to be such a void?

Coming Next: Searching for my family in Sri Lanka

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Ricerca e Riunione nell'adozione internazionale

Giugno 4, 2023Maggio 24, 2023

Alla ricerca della mia famiglia in Vietnam

di Huyen Friedlander, born in Vietnam, raised in the USA

On Sunday, I learned that my birthfather had died. I’m still sifting through how that feels, a unique kind of loss of a parent. Even though we reunited over 20 years ago, there was still a lot left unspoken, and maybe a lot that we didn’t know or understand about each other. We met in-person twice. The first time was shortly after 9/11. I had his contact information for almost a year, but I wasn’t ready to reach out. Knowing that he lived in New Jersey, so close to NYC where the towers fell, I felt a sense of urgency that I shouldn’t waste any more time. I called on a Friday night. I left a voicemail that my name was Huyen and that I thought he had been a friend of my family in Viet Nam. The next morning, he returned my call.

In the first few seconds of our conversation, I said my name again, said who my birthmother was and said, “I think you may be my birthfather.” Immediately, without any hesitation, he said, “I think I am, too.” That was an enormous gift to me. No denial. No defensiveness. “I thought you and your mother had died.”

He had been told by an army connection that my mother had died trying to make it to Thailand, and that I had died in the Babylift crash. He said he had wanted to marry my birthmother, but wasn’t allowed to because her family had originally been from the North.

It felt so surreal to finally have this information, a little window into what had happened. Within a few weeks, I was headed to the East Coast with my adoptive father, my husband and my 17-month-old son in tow. I was about two months pregnant with my daughter at the time. My birthfather and his wife greeted us at a restaurant, with a hug and flowers in hand. After dinner, they were gracious and invited us home for cannoli and a chance to visit more.

At the house, I was excited to meet my half-sister, who was also the mother of a young son. My birthfather brought out a photograph of me, probably at about 2 years old, a pristine copy of a tattered photo that my birthmother’s sister had held on to for 20 years in Viet Nam. We never did DNA testing; this picture that they had both saved was proof enough. My birthfather also gave me a gold cross that my birthmother had given to him before he left Viet Nam, to protect him on his way home. Similarly, when my birthmother took me to the Friends of the Children of Viet Nam in Saigon to relinquish me, she had put a St. Christopher’s medallion on a string and tied it tight around my neck, to protect me in my new life. Giving me the photograph and the cross felt generous and thoughtful.

Over the next decade, we checked in periodically by letters or telephone. By the time we would meet in person again, I was widowed, a single mother of two young adolescent children. Having lost my husband, I again felt some urgency in making sure that my kids would meet their biological grandfather. And again, my birthfather was gracious in saying yes to my request. Our visit was sweet and the kids thought he and his wife were fun and kind. Before we left, my birthfather gifted us with an ornate serving set that he had brought back with him from Viet Nam.

Following that visit, much of our communication happened through Facebook, with occasional comments on each other’s posts. Facebook allowed us to see aspects of each other’s lives in a very natural way. I got a tiny idea of his sense of humour, his love of fishing and model trains. Facebook also happens to be the primary way that I maintain contact with my birthmother; we FaceTime and she sees my posts and photographs.

I didn’t want to post anything about my birthfather’s death on Facebook until I had the opportunity to FaceTime my birthmother in Viet Nam to let her know. During that initial visit with my birthfather in 2001, he told my dad that my birthmother had been his first love. This was a gift to hear, even knowing the sad outcome for them, because in some way it validated my birthmother’s faith that he would come back for us. She waited for eight years.

In my reunion video with my birthmother (five years before I found my birthfather), we are sitting at my grandparents’ dining room table. She is beaming at me, with an arm around me, and laughing, she says, “Beaucoup love made you! Yeah, beaucoup love made you.” When she looked at me, she saw him. She’d point to my features and say, “Same! Same!” It seemed to bring her joy, to see him in my face.

I was nervous to call her tonight to tell her the news. I asked my dear friend Suzie to join the call to help translate. I spoke in English, “My birthfather has died. X died. I am so sorry.” And immediately, she let out a mournful cry. Even though my birthmother eventually married and had five more children—the foundation and joy of her life—my birthfather held a special place in her heart as her first love. For a year in their young lives, they had loved each other a lot.

Suzie helped to translate the details that I’ve heard before. It was wartime. There was nothing they could do to be together. 50 years later, my birthfather’s passing is a loss to my birthmother. As a devout Catholic, she is praying for him now. There was a lot I didn’t know about my birthfather, and I would still like to know more, but I can also be at peace with what I know.

For now, I’m staying grounded in the gratitude that I feel for having found him, gratitude that he recognised me, and gratitude for the opportunities that I had to connect with him and his family. I’m saying a prayer for his wife and family as they navigate this loss.

Coming Next: Searching for my family in South Korea

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Ricerca e Riunione nell'adozione internazionale

Maggio 25, 2023Maggio 19, 2023

Cerco la mia famiglia in Colombia

di Jose Taborda, born in Colombia, raised in the USA

First journal entry by my adoptive mother

In the spring of 1978, I was born in Medellin, Colombia. Separated from my first family by adoption, I was brought by my adoptive parents to New Jersey and grew up with my younger adoptive sister in a Northern New Jersey suburb just outside of New York City.

I was lucky as an adoptee because my adoptive parents made a conscious decision to talk to me about my adoption from an early age. They attended a couple of workshops about adopting a child offered by an adoption agency prior to my adoption where they had been counselled to inform me as soon as possible about my adoption so as to normalise it for me. This advice informed their approach in terms of collecting information and artefacts of my adoption. This included stories of my adoption in Colombia in the form of journal entries written by my adoptive mother, a photograph of my first mother, and my adoption records containing identifying information about my first mother.

Upon refection, it wasn’t just luck and good advice, my parents were compassionate people who made the decision to share what they knew about my origins with me throughout my life. They had the right instincts that led them not only to send me a dossier containing every artefact about my adoption while I was in college and I first expressed an interest in searching, but also to support my search when I began.

When I moved to New York City in my mid-twenties, I started searching. At the time, I had a Yahoo! Email account and noticed that it offered searchable interest groups. There was a group called Colombian Adoptee Search and Support (CASAS), which gathered many people like me: twenty-something Colombian adoptees who grew up around New York City and living in the area! I was shocked to find hundreds of people who were sharing resources about searching, so I started making connections and attending meetups and dinners in Brooklyn and Manhattan where we enjoyed sharing stories and Latino fare.

Through these meetups, I had gotten the contact information of a private investigator in Medellin with whom I started to interact about my search. Because I had identifying information about my first mother, it took him two weeks to find her. A couple weeks after that, I had my first phone call with her. As one can imagine, finding my first mother within a month of beginning my search was all a whirlwind and very overwhelming. My excitement got the best of me, and I dove right into making plans for a reunion. Well, all of this came as a shock to my adoptive mother and sister, who weren’t as excited as me. They felt threatened by my news. I remember spending a lot of time convincing them that I wasn’t trying to replace them, but rather, it would be an opportunity to learn about my origins. They were not convinced that it was so simple. Searching for first family by adoptees may bring up many past trauma wounds for all members of the adoption constellation. I have heard stories of adoptees shying away from doing any searching while their adoptive parents are still alive due to the raw emotions around adoption that are very rarely acknowledged and dealt with during an adoptive family’s time living together. And when the possibility of a reunion arises, adoptees may find themselves having to reckon with these complicated emotions. This reckoning is not our responsibility as adoptees, but it may be an unanticipated and unwelcome reality that adoptees must face when searching and reuniting with first family.

Coincidentally, the film “Las Hijas” was going to be screened. It was timely that Maria Quiroga, a local filmmaker, was releasing the film profiling three female Colombian adoptees and their reunions with first family. So I invited my mother and sister to join me. It was an interesting experience because the filmmaker handled the subject matter responsibly in presenting the reality of how complicated reunions between adoptees and first family can be. It helped to see this objective perspective on the emotionally charged situation that was playing out for us. It provided a context for our sensitive conversations, and it helped us to understand that we were not the only ones experiencing the feelings we were. Despite all of that, we continued to have conversations that required my soothing their frayed feelings around my upcoming reunion.

One thing that stands out for me now sixteen years later as I reflect on my reunion as a young man, is that I did not pursue any mental health support to guide me on that complicated endeavour. In my local adoptee community, the discussion was more centred on the topic of search and reunion in my memory and not as much on adoption mental health issues. However, I acknowledge there is a high likelihood my antenna wasn’t tuned to that particular signal, so to speak. More recently, I have read a lot of highly-respected literature about adoption and mental health including La ferita primordiale by Nancy Verrier and Viaggio del Sé Adottato by Betty Jean Lifton to name a couple of outstanding examples. I am a regular listener to adoptee podcasts including Adozioni attivate with host Haley Radke and adattato with host Kaomi Lee among others. I have met many adoptees and I am lucky to live close to an adoptee organization called Also Known As, Inc. that hosts meet ups for transracial, intercountry adoptees. Wise adoptees and adoption professionals these days counsel adoptees who are engaged in reunion to set some boundaries that include having a third-party present during reunion meetings, not staying with first family right away, and pursuing therapy before, during, and after reunion. I did none of those things.

All of this gathering of resources and self-education on the intersection of adoption and mental health has demonstrated to me that I took a very impetuous, uninformed, and quite risky path on my reunion journey. I stayed with my first mother and her family for three weeks at their home in an outlying municipality of Medellin. I do have very positive memories from my first visit in 2006 that led me to return in the two subsequent years. However, somewhere down the line some members of my first family started to develop expectations that involved money. It was not much at first, but, with time, their boldness grew. This expectation made me uncomfortable because I didn’t want to have to explain to any of them that I am a professional in a field that is not very highly-compensated. To them, I was just the more fortunate one who was able to escape their humble circumstances. No matter how difficult my personal situation was, they are right that I had many more opportunities in the U.S. than they did in Colombia, but I did not feel that it was my responsibility to have to provide for them. I wanted to just get to know them knowing that it would take time to develop a family bond. Truly, I faced hard feelings when they asked for money and that made things very confusing for me. While I know that my experience is not unique, I wished that it wasn’t part of my reunion story. At some point, I stopped contacting them because it all became too much for me. This is where an intervention such as adoption-focused therapy would have been helpful.

Some years passed and I turned the page on my adoption by quite literally ceasing to think about my adoption and pausing all the actions I had taken to learn about my origins during my twenties. I turned thirty, I got married and became a new father, and I wanted to focus on my new family in Brooklyn. I was also in graduate school, so juggling responsibilities was the theme starting in 2010. Since that time, a lot has changed.

Nowadays, I am divorced, I am co-parenting a budding teenager, and I have settled into a career as a college educator. As I moved into middle-age, I became more introspective, and I found myself interrogating some difficult feelings that felt like depression and anxiety. When I realised that I did not have easy answers to that line of inquiry, I began searching for ways to remove barriers to happiness that had started showing up. It started to dawn on me that my adoption may be the cause of some of my bad decisions in life and the source of a feeling of malaise that crept in every now and again. I remember once sitting on a beach in the Rockaways with my best friend and confidant of many years and reflecting out loud that I should look into therapy for adoption to try to answer some nagging questions.

About six months after that conversation in 2021, I got around to doing some basic internet searching and was amazed by what I found. There was so much work that had been done in the intervening years since I started my search. As I previously mentioned, I went down a path of self-education, I engaged in some adoption-focused group therapy, and I have been attending online and in-person support groups made up of adoptees since that discovery. I have learned so much about myself and adoption since I started to reconnect to my adopted-self. Some of it has been difficult, but I am very happy to have opened myself up to feel, meditate, inquire, grieve, and build community. It is cliche, but I wish I knew during my reunion and prior what I know now.

In short, I hope that adoptees who are on the bold path of searching and reuniting with first family will take careful, well-informed steps. I know from my experience that there are no easy answers, and reunion may be when many hard questions rise to the surface. However, that search for the discovery and recovery of self and identity is worth it all because even if one does not find first family, there is so much to learn about oneself along the way.

I hope that adoptees take the time to explore all of the particular intersections of adoption and mental health including, but not limited to, the Primal Wound theory, the post-traumatic stress implications of adoption, ambiguous loss, and the Adoptee Consciousness Model. Most definitely read the two books by Verrier and Lifton previously mentioned. Check out Damon Davis’ podcast Who Am I Really?, and the two others previously mentioned. Read JaeRan Kim’s brilliant blog La scimmia di Harlow. If looking for a therapist in the U.S., check out Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker’s adoptee therapist directory curated on her website Grow Beyond Words. If one does not have the money to pursue therapy, there are plenty of books, podcasts, and support groups that could provide information and resources helpful in informing decisions around searching, finding, and reunion with first family. Just start checking out all of the amazing resources on Lynelle Long’s comprehensive treasure of a website Voci degli adottati internazionali. Search on Facebook for a group you can join that holds online support groups, or, even better, search for a local group in your area to meet up in person with adoptees. A great place to search for a local group in the USA is on Pamela A. Karanova’s website Adoptees Connect.

The above is just a cursory glance at some of the most salient resources I have found that have nourished my soul as I step into more consciousness about my adoption on my journey of self-discovery. My greatest hope is that someone reading these words may find something in them to hold onto.

Coming Next: Alla ricerca della mia famiglia in Cina

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Ricerca e Riunione nell'adozione internazionale

Maggio 20, 2023Maggio 19, 2023

Ricerca nel webinar sull'adozione internazionale da parte di esperti adottati

Il 23 aprile 2023, l'ICAV ha tenuto un webinar di gruppo per offrirti l'esperienza dei nostri professionisti della ricerca in tutto il mondo, condividendo le loro migliori parole di saggezza su cosa considerare durante la ricerca nell'adozione internazionale. Rappresentavano direttamente organizzazioni di adottati di Sri Lanka, Etiopia, Sud Corea, Haiti, Colombia e Grecia.

Guarda il webinar qui:
Nota: se visualizzi in Chrome, fai clic sul pulsante Ulteriori informazioni per guardare il video

Codice temporale

Per coloro che hanno poco tempo e vogliono saltare alle sezioni rilevanti, ecco un timecode per assistere:

00:20 Introduzione, Benvenuto, Scopo
04:30 Introduzione dei relatori
04:39 Marcia Engel
06:48 Rebecca Payot
09:29 Jonas Desir
10:25 Linda Carol Trotter
12:55 Kayla Curtis
15:22 Hilbrand Westra
17:44 Benoît Vermeerbergen
21:00 Celin Fassler

Domande e risposte

23:28 Cosa comporta il processo di ricerca generale? – Kayla
27:30 Cosa devono preparare gli adottati? – Linda, Marzia
35:51 Quali sono alcuni dei risultati? – Jonas, Kayla, Linda
46:50 Qualche possibile barriera da aspettarsi? –Rebecca, Linda
56:51 Quale etica considerare? – Marzia, Kayla
1:06:40 Quanto dovrebbe costare una ricerca? –Rebecca, Linda, Celin
1:11:46 Di chi fidarsi? Hilbrand, Jonas
1:16:16 Quali aspetti considerare nel test del DNA? – Benoît
1:19:18 Quali risultati si possono ottenere con il test del DNA? – Benoît
1:20:40 Quali test del DNA consigliate? Benoït, Marcia
1:23:51 Quali sono i vantaggi dell'utilizzo di un'organizzazione di ricerca guidata da adottati? – Celin, Marcia
1:28:28 Cosa significava diventare un'organizzazione di ricerca finanziata dal governo? – Celino
1:30:36 Cosa serve di più ai Governi per aiutare gli adottati nella nostra ricerca? – Hilbrand, Marzia

Riepilogo dei messaggi chiave

Clic qui per un pdf del nostro Messaggi chiave da ciascun relatore

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Un enorme grazie ai 26 adottati che hanno voluto condividere le loro esperienze di ricerca in modo che altri possano ottenere una comprensione più profonda. Rappresentano esperienze di 13 paesi di nascita (Cina, Colombia, India, Malesia, Marocco, Perù, Filippine, Romania, Russia, Corea del Sud, Sri Lanka, Tailandia, Vietnam), inviate a 9 paesi di adozione (Australia, Belgio, Canada, Francia , Germania, Scozia, Svezia, Regno Unito, Stati Uniti).

L'ultimo documento prospettico di ICAV su Ricerca in adozione internazionale

Per ulteriori risorse, vedere il nostro Ricerca e riunione pagina

Aprile 3, 2023Aprile 4, 2023

cari mamma e papà

di Jen Etherington, nato canadese delle Prime Nazioni e adottato da una famiglia australiana

Cari mamma e papà,

Sono passati 34 anni da quando hai lasciato questo pianeta . Quanto ho desiderato per tutta la vita di averti incontrato. Non sono sicuro di quando sia stata l'ultima volta che mi hai visto. Sono sicuro che non pensavi che fosse l'ultima volta che mi avresti mai visto. So che sapevate dove sono finito. So che papà conosceva mio padre che mi ha adottato.

Kerry e Steve (mamma e papà) sono due degli umani più straordinari che potresti mai incontrare. Sono, credo come voi, amati praticamente da tutti quelli che incontrano. Ho avuto un fratellino da Kerry e Steve quando avevo tre anni. Si chiama Josh e andavamo così d'accordo quando eravamo bambini. Abbiamo avuto pochissimi litigi. Mi piace pensare che sia una grande combinazione delle nostre personalità oltre ad essere cresciuto proprio da Kerry e Steve.

Sarai felice di sapere che ho avuto un'infanzia fantastica. Quando avevo 7 anni, abbiamo avuto un altro fratellino di nome Brody. BroBro e io eravamo più simili perché siamo entrambi più socievoli ed estroversi. Josh, Brody e io andavamo molto d'accordo. Kerry e Steve ci hanno cresciuto con grandi valori. Siamo cresciuti e trasferiti vicino al centro di meditazione Theravada sulla costa orientale dell'Australia. Lì ho incontrato dei bambini meravigliosi che considero cugini. Ho pensato che se fossi stato adottato avrei potuto adottare anche la mia famiglia.

Ho avuto alcune difficoltà durante l'infanzia, incluso il bullismo spietato per il razzismo e l'oggettivazione. È sempre stato un ragazzo di nome "Johnno", indipendentemente da dove andassi . Sono stato fortunato ad avere amici forti intorno a me che mi hanno aiutato a non lasciare che distruggesse la mia personalità.

Siamo cresciuti trascorrendo quasi tutte le vacanze con tutta la famiglia perché per loro era importante trascorrere molto tempo in famiglia. Abbiamo trascorso delle vacanze meravigliose in campeggio, soggiornando nei parchi per roulotte sulla spiaggia, siamo andati a fiere importanti come l'expo 88 con la famiglia e abbiamo alloggiato in una casa incantevole. Siamo andati in Canada per molte vacanze perché la mamma di Steve viveva a Victoria. So che il sogno di Kerry per me era incontrarti quando fossi stato pronto. So che aveva il cuore spezzato quando ha sentito la notizia della tua morte. Ero confuso. Sapevo di essere stato adottato fin dall'inizio perché avevo un aspetto diverso da Kerry, Steve, Josh e Brody. Quando mi è stato chiesto se volevo andare al tuo funerale avevo 9 anni e non ero sicuro di come elaborarlo e ora mi pento di non esserci arrivato.

Ho avuto un'esperienza scolastica piuttosto buona a parte il bullismo e gli abusi sessuali. Mi dicono che sono intelligente come papà. Raramente mi sforzo di usare l'intelligenza. Non sono sicuro che sia autoconservazione non distinguersi più di me.

C'era una terza persona che mi ha cresciuto ed è stata fantastica. Era mia zia, Nanette. L'ho amata così tanto ed era una persona incredibile. Anche prima dell'identificazione del chiamante sui telefoni, sapevo sempre quando stava chiamando. Anche Nanette mi ha tradito al mio matrimonio. Il mio matrimonio è stato 20 anni fa due giorni fa. L'uomo che ho sposato non era una brava persona. Ho subito molti abusi da lui. Per fortuna ci siamo separati 10 anni dopo esserci conosciuti. Non ho avuto figli e ho fatto terapia per 12 mesi. Ho lottato per stare bene se avessi mai avuto figli. Non riesco a immaginare come sia stato per te perdermi ed ero così preoccupato di rivivere quell'esperienza e come è stato per te.

Non sono sicuro da dove provenga la mia empatia, ma è una benedizione e una maledizione. Ho avuto due aborti spontanei e solo il secondo ho sentito il battito del cuore. Questa è una mia foto di ieri al lavoro. Hanno organizzato il giorno dell'armonia e hanno messo il nostro totem.

Ho così tante cose che volevo chiederti e dirti. Vi voglio bene mamma e papà. Adesso ho una famiglia meravigliosa: mia madre e mio padre (Kerry e Steve), i miei fratelli, i miei nipoti e il mio compagno James. Mia zia è tristemente morta, ma sono così grata di aver passato del tempo con lei.

Leggi il blog precedente di Jen: I soldi non compensano mai quello che ho perso come canadese delle Prime Nazioni

Risorsa

Prime Nazioni in Canada

Oltre 200 bambini delle Prime Nazioni rubati trovati in una tomba anonima canadese

The Stolen Generations – Canada e Australia: l'eredità dell'assimilazione

Marzo 5, 2023Marzo 3, 2023

Imparare a soffrire da bambini

di Paolo Brian Tovey, adottato nel Regno Unito e artista di talento, sostenitore dell'adozione, creatore del 2022 Global Anon Adoptee Survey

Ieri stavo riempiendo le sfumature di un'altra immagine di linea del "Dogpache" che ballava con due Dogohawk e in seguito ho notato un'infiammazione che mi attraversava il corpo e le braccia...

Faccio diverse iterazioni di immagini e spesso producono un profondo viaggio nei sentimenti di Adoptee .. Nel mio caso un trauma fondamentale è l'abuso di minori e l'uso dopo l'adozione ..

Lentamente il viaggio delle immagini riecheggia i miei sentimenti e mostra anche nuovi angoli e prismi che uso per risolvere il dolore. essere quello che vogliono diventare.

Quindi le mie braccia si sono alzate in aria e hanno formato artigli e poi mi sono venute in mente le immagini della mia madre biologica... mi sono sentita come una bambina che si gratta il viso. E l'ho fatto nelle mie "sfere di immagini" e nell'aria... sono abbastanza razionale, pazzo, e va tutto bene... ho una mente creativa ben sviluppata...

La mamma alla nascita mi ha lasciato a 3 anni e quell'area centrale è circondata da un successivo uso improprio del mio corpo .. Conosceva la persona con cui mi ha lasciato fin dal 1940 quando la mamma alla nascita aveva 7 anni .. Ad ogni modo, ho provato sentimenti dolorosi, ma un altro prisma restituito di una bocca bloccata.. Lingue ovattate. Stai al sicuro... NON DIRE NIENTE... Pressione per parlare però...

Alla fine il dolore è esploso dalla mia bocca ululante-bambino-buco in grida risolutive che erano come un bambino fantasma che ulula per la mamma... ? Essendo e diventando se stesso.. Permettendo finalmente di essere, di essere dentro l'essere come se stesso.. Addolorarsi come quella parte del bambino... È la verità sicuramente ritardata ma che può essere rivissuta terapeuticamente...

Fa male ? Quando è negli stadi delle infiammazioni sì… Ci puoi scommettere, perché il corpo nasconde una vecchia “bugia” della mente primordiale che comunque ha cercato di proteggermi dall'orrore..non ho bisogno di protezione adesso (povero autocervello) in effetti ho bisogno di essere tutto me stesso .. Tenuto come me da me .. Questo è tutto ..

Ora sono finalmente abbastanza grande per essere di nuovo giovane e sentire le cose dei vari passati di me perché ho un cervello sviluppato che può contenere tutto. Noto però che è necessario sfogare il dolore di: “Chi doveva esserci e non c'era”…

Questo è il punto nel ridurre il bisogno insoddisfatto (per la mamma) in dolore e pianto risolvibili... "Mammammeeeeeee"... "HOwlllll". .. È per questo che faccio ancora amicizia con i mostri nell'arte e li faccio piangere e anche i paesaggi ululano ..

OWWWWWLLLL OWWWOOOOOO …. Adoro gli ululati che liberano la mia prima anima primordiale che era incatenata a prigioni emotive dissociative... Ho imparato a piangere da bambino a cui è stato impedito di soffrire... Sono qui in me stesso... sono arrivato... sono a casa nella mia pelle meglio ed è triste in un modo più positivo semplicemente perché la tragedia è...

Febbraio 23, 2023Maggio 18, 2023

Webinar per gli adottati internazionali nel Regno Unito

Il 30 gennaio 2023, un piccolo gruppo di adottati internazionali nel Regno Unito ha partecipato a un webinar per condividere i propri pensieri ed esperienze con l'organizzazione dei genitori adottivi, AdozioneUK.

In questo webinar incontrerai Sarah Hilder adottata dallo Sri Lanka, Joshua Aspden adottato dall'Ecuador, Emma Estrella adottata dal Brasile, Meredith Armstrong adottata dalla Cina e Claire Martin adottata da Hong Kong. Insieme rispondiamo ad alcune domande che i genitori adottivi a AdozioneUK chiedere.

Guarda il webinar e di seguito troverai un timecode, messaggi chiave e risorse pertinenti.
Nota: se visualizzi in Chrome, fai clic sul pulsante Ulteriori informazioni per guardare il video

Codice temporale webinar

00:20 Introduzione da AdoptionUK
01:03 Introduzione da Lynelle dell'ICAV
02:44 Sarah Hilder
03:35 Chiara Martin
05:34 Meredith Armstrong
07:39 Emma Estrella
09:39 Joshua Aspden
12:17 Come proteggermi dai truffatori durante la ricerca della famiglia – Linelle
17:23 Suggerimenti per avvicinarsi al lavoro sulla storia della vita – Meredith
20:54 Pensi che la vita sarebbe stata migliore se fossi stato adottato da una famiglia nel tuo paese natale?
21:27 Giosuè
24:56 Emma
28:00 Cosa vorremmo che i genitori adottivi sapessero quando iniziano un'adozione internazionale?
28:24 Chiara
32:25 Meredith
35:12 Sara
38:24 Emma
40:24 Giosuè
43:34 Linelle
45:30 Cosa ti lega di più alla tua eredità?
45:45 Sara
48:23 Chiara
49:30 Giosuè
51:07 Stai pianificando di visitare la famiglia affidataria, qualche consiglio o suggerimento per gestire le grandi emozioni che sorgeranno per l'adottato?
51:30 Meredith
52:24 Emma
54:25 Linelle
56:24 Jo finisce e grazie

Riepilogo dei messaggi chiave del webinar

Clicca qui per un PDF documento

Risorse rilevanti

Possiamo ignorare o negare che il razzismo esiste per gli adottati di colore?

Entrare in contatto con persone di colore non è automatico per gli adottati transrazziali

Risorse di corsa per i genitori adottivi

Risorse culturali per i genitori adottivi

Elenco globale di supporto post adozione specifico per gli adottati internazionali

L'importanza del supporto pre e post adozione

Risorse di ricerca e riunione

Pensieri per i genitori adottivi

Febbraio 14, 2023Febbraio 13, 2023

Rispondere in modo sensibile ai timori di abbandono

di Lila M, adottata cinese cresciuta negli USA

"Cos'è quella chiave che hai al collo?" – Ricevo questa domanda tanto quanto mi viene chiesto da dove vengo.

Indosso una chiave d'oro al collo. Lo indosso così da dieci anni.

Dice, "Insieme è amore, 10.02.62” da un lato e “MT" dall'altra.

Mia madre, essendo una ribelle, ha deciso di saltare la scuola con una migliore amica d'infanzia. Hanno vagato per le strade di New York City. Hanno trovato la chiave. Hanno cercato di trovare il proprietario / il luogo in cui è andato. Tuttavia, era stato gettato in mezzo alla strada, quindi non hanno avuto successo. Mia madre e la mia migliore amica hanno sempre pensato che fosse una lite tra innamorati. Chiave buttata via con rabbia.

Avanti veloce a quando mia madre mi ha adottato.

Quando ero piccolo, avevo paura che i miei genitori non tornassero a casa da me dopo un appuntamento notturno.

Mia madre diceva: “Prendi questa chiave d'oro da questa torre, tienila con te. Saremo a casa quando dormirai e potrai darmelo personalmente domattina. Mi ha dato un senso di sicurezza. Come se mia madre e mio padre fossero con me e sarebbero tornati.

Quando mi sono diplomato al liceo, avevo scelto di frequentare il college fuori dallo stato. Come regalo, mia madre fece infilare la chiave d'oro e me la diede come regalo, come promessa di essere sempre con me, che mia madre e mio padre sarebbero stati sempre lì, a casa, ad aspettare che tornassi a casa, chiave in mano (o attorno al collo, per essere precisi).

Una piccola storia su una chiave a forma di cuore in onore di San Valentino.

Febbraio 11, 2023Febbraio 10, 2023

Un privilegio, non un diritto

di Sala Kamina, un nero, transrazziale, adottato in ritardo negli Stati Uniti

Dicono che è loro diritto, loro diritto creare e possedere una vita,
È interessante notare che questa è una percezione vecchia quanto l'acquisto di una moglie.
Non siamo altro che bestiame, da commerciare e vendere?
O siamo la luce dell'Universo, inviata attraverso il suo grembo, più preziosa dell'oro?

Interessante la quantità di studio e fatica che serve per ottenere lauree,
Eppure, quando si forma la vita, ognuno e tutti possono fare ciò che vogliono.
Hai cambiato idea, hai sbagliato colore o semplicemente sei troppo giovane?
Con il tocco di una penna, quella nuova anima passa di mano e la loro vita si disfa.

Conoscevo il battito del tuo cuore, la tua voce, il tuo odore, tutto prima di vedere la tua faccia,
Anche se le loro braccia avrebbero potuto tentare di rimpiazzarti, nessuno ha mai preso il tuo posto.
C'era un oscuro vuoto sbadigliante nella mia anima che non avrei mai saputo esistesse,
Droghe, sesso, alcol e autosabotaggio; tuttavia la follia persisteva.

Dichiariamo con fermezza che non puoi possedere una vita e crearla non è un tuo diritto,
L'anima è semplicemente sotto la tua cura, in prestito dall'Universo, fino a quando non può combattere la propria battaglia.
Prendi sul serio le implicazioni e le increspature che lasci cadere nello stagno della vita quando crei,
Bambini che siamo solo per un momento, l'adulto ci vede con cumuli di traumi sedativi.

Puoi seguire Kamina sul suo canale Youtube – Kamina il Koach
Leggi i post degli altri ospiti di Kamina all'ICAV:
Guarire come adottante transrazziale
Il tuo dolore è il tuo dono

Febbraio 3, 2023Febbraio 3, 2023

Fratello e sorella adottivi vietnamiti si ritrovano attraverso il DNA

Mikati is a fellow Vietnamese adoptee raised in Belgium, who joined the ICAV network some years ago, wanting to connect to those who understood the complexities of this lifelong journey. I’m honoured to be a part of her life and she told me the amazing news recently of finding and reuniting with her biological brother Georges who was also adopted, but to France. Neither knew of the other until their DNA matches showed up. Together, Mikati and Georges have shared with me their thoughts about finding each other and searching now for their Vietnamese family. Since sharing this and having their news go viral in Vietnamese media, they are currently awaiting news that they have possibly found their mother. Incredible what can be achieved these days with DNA technology and social media! Here is their story as reunited brother and sister.

About Your Life

Georges

I’ve been adopted in 1996 by French parents and my Vietnamese name is Trương Vanlam. I live in Noisy-le-Grand, a little Parisian suburb near the river Marne. I happily live with my cat and girlfriend.

My life in France (childhood to present) meant I’ve grown up in the countryside surrounded by medieval castles, fields and forests. It has not always been easy to be different in a place where Asian people were very rare to encounter. I was a shy kid but I was happy to have the love of my adoptive family and some friends. Later, I studied in Paris, a pluri-ethnic place with a lot of people from different origins. I have an interest in arts like theatre and cinema and I’ve started to develop short films with my friends. I am not shy anymore but creative and more confident.

My adoptive parents were very happy to see me for Christmas. They are retired and they don’t leave their village very often like before. They try to help me as much as they can and are happy about my reconnection to my new found sister, Mikati. I trust and respect my adoptive parents and they trust me and respect me equally.

I teach cinema, video editing and graphics with Adobe suite to adults and teens. I’m making videos and one day, I hope to become a movie director.

Mikati

I was born in 1994 and adopted to Belgium in June 1995 at 7 months of age. I currently live in Kortrijk in West-Flanders, Belgium. My childhood was in Anzegem, not so far from Kortrijk.

I have been able to develop and grow up in Belgium. I have some dear friends. I have a nice job. Over the years I have made beautiful trips in and out of Europe and met many people. I have done two studies – orthopedagogy and social work. Here I learned how important human, children’s and women’s rights are. I have been working for a non-profit organization for years. I follow up families in socially vulnerable situations and connect them with a student who is studying at the college or university. I did not study to be a teacher, but it is true that I do train students about how they can work with vulnerable families, how they can reflect on their actions, etc.

My childhood wasn’t all that fantastic. As an intercountry adoptee, I grew up in a white environment. That environment had little respect for my original roots. Sometimes I would walk down the street and hear racial slurs from people I didn’t know. As much as I tried to assimilate, I didn’t forget my roots.

My Vietnamese name is Pham Thi Hoa Sen which says a lot about what my life has been like. I grew up to turn out beautiful but I grew up in mud just like a lotus flower. A thorough screening could have prevented a lot. My adoptive parents are not bad people and they did their best, but they underestimated the care needed for children adopted internationally. My adoptive mother already had two children from a previous marriage that she was no longer allowed to see. She was mentally unable to raise children. My adoptive parents are burdened by trauma that they have not worked through. At that time there was also little to no psychological support and guidance for adoptive parents. It was very difficult growing up with them. It is by seeking help for myself and talking to people about it, that I am more aware of life. Just because you mean well and have good intentions does not mean that you are acting right.

About Your Reunion

Georges

It has been surreal, like a dream and a little bit frightening to be found by my sister because all my beliefs about my personal history are now unsure. The first days, I remember repeating again and again, “I’ve got an elder sister, I’ve got an elder sister”. Then we started to talk and get to know each other more and it became more real. Now I’m very happy and proud to have Mikati as my sister. It’s very strange because even though we met only two weeks ago, I feel like I have know her for a long time. For me, it’s a new step in my life, the beginning of a journey where I will connect more with her, with Vietnam, where we will try to discover our family story, I hope.

Mikati is a strong and caring woman who is always trying to help others despite having encountered many difficulties in her life. She’s very passionate, clever, funny and above all I respect and admire the person she is. We like to discuss many things from important subjects like international adoptions and smaller subjects like the life of our respective cats or tv series or why Belgians are so proud to eat French fries with mayonnaise. I don’t know why but I’ve quickly felt a connection with her. It could be because of our shared DNA but I think it’s more probably because she is fundamentally fantastic as a person. I like to tease her a little sometime and she’s very patient with me and my jokes! We’ve got our differences of course, but siblings always have differences. I’m very glad to have her in my life.

Mikati

1.5 years ago I decided to take a DNA test through MyHeritage (a commercial DNA-kit). To get a bit of an indication of where my roots come from. Through the result I got a little more information about ethnicity and I saw distant relatives. It was cool to know something because I know very little about my roots. I hadn’t looked at MyHeritage in a long time until early December 2022. I have no idea why exactly as I didn’t even get a notification. To my surprise, I saw that I had a new match. It wasn’t just any distant relative, it was my brother! He lived in a neighbouring country, France!

You have to know that I just woke up when I looked at my mobile phone, so I immediately sent a message to some close friends and my guidance counsellor at the Descent Center. I wanted to know if I was dreaming. Finally I got the confirmation from the experts at the Descent Center that my DNA result were real and we share over 2500 centimorgans! That means he is not half but rather, a full brother.

I was so happy! So many emotions raced through my body that day. I saw a lot of people who were also adopted at an event that day. Most of them were a great support. Most were as happy and moved as I was. A minority reacted rather short, jealous or gave unsolicited advice about anything and everything. I also understand their feelings. It is an exceptional situation that triggers many emotions. Those emotions of others made it sometimes overwhelming for me.

I contacted Georges through Facebook. I wondered if he had already seen it. When he didn’t reply, a friend gave me his LinkedIn profile that had his email address on it. I felt like a little stalker but I decided to send him an email as well. I sent him a little text and gave him the option to get in touch if he wanted to. When he answered, he introduced himself and asked a few questions. The contact was open, enthusiastic and friendly. So we are very sure of the DNA match, but some mysteries soon surfaced quickly during the first conversation. We told each other what name we got on our adoption papers. Our last names are different. I see on my adoption papers that I have the same last name as my mother. Maybe he has the father’s last name? Georges has not yet properly looked at his adoption papers, so there are still pieces of the puzzle missing.

I am happy when I connect with my brother. The contact feels so natural! We talk and joke like we have known each other for years. We both got a little emotional when we talked about our childhood but also realised how close geographically we grew up. Georges is barely 14 months younger than me. Did the orphanage ever talk to my adoptive parents and suggest taking Georges too? So that we could grow up together? What would my adoptive parents do in such a situation? With a reunion, the search for one’s identity is not over. In fact, it has opened up many more questions!

About your biological family in Vietnam

Georges

My determination to find my family in Vietnam has increased since I met my elder sister but I’ve always been curious to find more information about my biological mother and father. Growing up as an adopted child, I grew up with a perpetual mystery about my origins. It defines me, marking me forever because I’m always facing the fear of being rejected again . Like many adoptees, I grew up with this explanation: “Your first parents left you because of their poverty.” This is speculation which may be true or not and we do not know until the facts are gathered. I feel no anger about that but I want to know the real motives, the real story from their point of view. Was it their decision or not….?

Mikati is really passionate and determined in this search and about our story and she told me about the real problems caused by some organisations which have seen international adoption as a business in the 1990s. I did research to gather information based on official and independent reports from the press and UNICEF and I talked to adopted people who have been in our orphanage. I’m worried about some testimonies, about the lack of transparency in the adoption process and to adoptive parents, adopted children and biological parents and now I want to be sure if our parents gave their consent or not. I’m also determined to discover this truth and to show our journey through a documentary in order give more information about what could have been problematic in international adoption in the 1990s to year 2000. I’m not alone in this quest ,my elder sister is with me and I’m with her.

I’ve never had the opportunity to return to Vietnam yet but it is something I hope to do in the near future. I’m sure it won’t be only for fun and tourism!

You can follow Georges at Facebook, LinkedIn o Youtube.

Mikati

I have my reasons for wanting to find my parents. Under Article 7 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, the child has a right to information about his or her parentage. It is also fundamental in human beings to know where they come from. As long as I don’t know the story about my biological parents, I can’t be mad. I really wonder what their
story is. I know it’s going to be hard to search. I know that commercial DNA testing is less used in Vietnam. Papers and names were sometimes forged. I don’t know if my mom actually came from My Tho. Is her name really Tuyet Mai? Right now I’m looking at it mostly inquisitively and with compassion. I want to look at the bigger picture. Why is it that parents are faced with the decision to give up a child? How can a system support parents so that such things do not have to happen again?

Recentemente una donna vietnamita mi ha contattato sui social media. Mi ha detto perché aveva lasciato suo figlio nello stesso orfanotrofio di Georges e me. Non è stato facile per lei scoprire dove è andato suo figlio e continua a cercarlo, anche se sono passati più di 20 anni fa. È ancora rattristata dalla situazione. Se qualcuno può aiutarci ad ampliare questa ricerca, vedere qui.

Ho perso i contatti con i miei genitori adottivi, quindi non sanno nulla della mia ricerca. Sono sicuro che mia madre adottiva avrebbe disapprovato.

Sarebbe bello se trovassimo i nostri genitori, ma vedremo. Sono molto grato per Phuc che si è offerto di aiutarci nella ricerca. Sembra molto carino. Ho sentito da altri adottati che è amichevole e affidabile. Ho anche letto articoli su di lui ed è incredibile quello che fa per riunire le famiglie! Troverei coraggioso se le famiglie osano dichiararsi per quello che è stato difficile in passato e perché hanno rinunciato al loro bambino. Raccontando la loro storia di genitori biologici, anche se se ne vergognano, la nostra società può imparare e migliorare il futuro.

Ci sono adottati i cui genitori biologici pensavano che il loro bambino fosse nato morto, ma in realtà è stato venduto per l'adozione. Se è così per i nostri genitori, non sanno nemmeno che siamo vivi. La nostra storia può essere tutto. È difficile sapere quale fosse il nostro caso.

Ho tante domande senza risposta e vorrei conoscere la storia della mia famiglia.

Se dovessi rivedere la mia madre biologica, la prima cosa che le direi è che mi piacerebbe conoscerla e ascoltare la sua storia.

Il Vietnam sarà sempre speciale per me, anche se non ci sono cresciuto. Avevo 9 anni quando sono tornato con i miei genitori adottivi e mia sorella (non biologica) anche lei adottata. Siamo andati da nord a sud. Anche se la mia madre adottiva era negativa nei confronti del Vietnam, non poteva rovinarmelo. Il cibo, le persone sorridenti, il caos di Ho Chi Minh e la natura nei piccoli villaggi sono rimasti con me. Ora sto leggendo di più sul Vietnam e parlando di più con i vietnamiti. Sto risparmiando per viaggiare di nuovo in Vietnam. Forse da solo, forse con gli amici o forse con Georges. Vedremo. Ma sicuramente tornerò e imparerò di più sul mio bellissimo paese.

Puoi seguire Mikati e il suo viaggio su Facebook o Instagram.

Per leggere la storia di Mikati e Georges pubblicata dai media vietnamiti, clicca qui e la traduzione inglese qui.