intercountry adoptee voices | InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)

Mai 30, 2023Mai 24, 2023

Auf der Suche nach meiner Familie in China

The following blog series will be dedicated to our Suche im Bereich internationale Adoption series. These individual stories are being shared from our Perspektivenpapier that was also shared with our Webinar, Searching in Intercountry Adoption by Adoptee Experts.

von Shelley Rottenberg, born in China, raised in Canada, www.shelleyrottenberg.ca

I was adopted from Zhejiang, China to Ontario, Canada in 1996 when I was 8 months old. In one of my adoption documents, it says, “Our institution has looked for her parents and relatives by all means, but no trace can be found.” To this day, I still know nothing about my biological family.

About 5 years ago I decided to act on my growing curiosity about my birth family. While I know the odds of finding them are very slim, especially because I don’t have any information to go on, I couldn’t help but at least try. The first step was a 23andMe DNA ancestry kit, gifted to me by my mom as a Christmas present. I carefully read the instructions in the box to make sure I did everything correctly, then sent off my saliva sample. My sister, who is also an adoptee from China, did one too. And then we waited.

I remember being eager to get the results back because of the hope of having a DNA match with someone else in their database. At the time, the waiting period was about 6-8 weeks. Though after 2 months, instead of my results, I got an email with the subject line, “Your 23andMe Analysis was unsuccessful.” I was told that “the concentration of DNA was insufficient to produce genotyping results.” Luckily, I was sent a replacement kit and got a second chance to submit another saliva sample. Having followed the instructions correctly the first time, and without any further guidance on how to do things differently, I repeated the same steps and sent my sample once again.

After another long 2-month wait, my heart sank as I read the same email subject line as the last one. Except for this time, they would not be sending me another replacement kit. The email explained that because of “the second low DNA failure” and there being “no additional steps that would increase the chance of success,” a full refund would be available to me. I was shocked and saddened by the news and confused too. I had done the exact same thing as my sister, yet she received her results back after the first attempt.

When I told a friend about the situation, she suggested I lightly chew my inner cheeks before spitting into the tube because buccal cells have a higher concentration of DNA. Determined to give it one last shot, I purchased another 23andMe ancestry kit with the refund they gave me and followed my friend’s advice. The saying, “third time’s a charm” held true in these circumstances because, after another 2 months, my third sample was a success!

All this waiting only heightened my anticipation, which probably contributed to my slight disappointment when I saw that I had no close relative DNA matches. It’s been 5 years now, and while I have over 900 distant relatives, all with less than 1% DNA shared, the number of close relatives is still zero. I have also since uploaded my raw data to GEDmatch and still no luck.

Another search method I’ve tried is adding my information to a birth family search poster specific to the province I was adopted from. I did this 3 years ago through International Child Search Alliance (ICSA), a volunteer group of adoptees and adoptive parents. Their province search posters are shared widely on Chinese social media and in the past, they partnered with Zhejiang Family Seeking Conference and ZuyuanDNA for an in-person event.

Getting my information added to the poster took about 3 months, partly because of the time it took me to make a WeChat account, gather the necessary information, and translate some of my adoption paperwork. The other reason for the timing was that ICSA’s update schedule for province search posters is three times a year.

Through the WeChat group for my province, I was able to connect with a woman from Zhejiang who wanted to help overseas adoptees. With great thanks to her, I was able to get my information on Baobei Huijia (Baby Come Home), a Chinese site run by volunteers to help find missing children.

I learned of GEDmatch, ICSA and Baobei Huijia through the online adoptee/adoption community, which I discovered across various Facebook groups in 2018. Connecting with other adoptees and adoptive parents who are further along and more experienced in the birth family search journey has been extremely helpful.

My mom has also been a huge help in her own efforts of searching for resources and information about birth family searching. Though most of all, her complete support for me throughout this process is what matters most. She hopes that I can find my biological family and relatives because she knows how important it is to me.

We have discussed taking the next step of hiring a root finder or searcher. Though once I began to seriously consider this method, it didn’t seem like the right time. One searcher that my mom had reached out to in 2020 said that because of the COVID-19 pandemic, foot traffic was not as high as it used to be, and therefore paying for physical posters to be distributed in my city or province in China may have even lower chances of bringing about any success.

Also, the process of hiring a searcher or organisation seemed quite daunting to me because it is hard to know whom to go with and which services to pay for. Packages greatly differ in terms of how in-depth the search process is and prices can easily be hundreds of dollars. And at the end of the day, the odds of finding my birth family, even with professional help, are very low.

I do plan to go back to China one day for a heritage trip and would incorporate searching for birth family into that. While my active search efforts are paused for now, this is a lifelong journey, so I can pick back up whenever I want to. It’s nice to know that through my other initial search methods, the opportunity for a match is always possible, even without me doing anything.

However, I do worry that by waiting to pursue additional active search methods, I might be making the process more difficult the longer time goes on. I don’t know if my orphanage has any adoption paperwork other than what I currently have and would hate for those documents to be destroyed. I also fear the possibility of birth family members dying, especially biological parents and grandparents. This thought crossed my mind when COVID-19 cases and deaths were high in China.

On the other hand, I don’t know if I’m emotionally prepared for the can of worms that can come with more intensive searching and then a possible reunion. I know of adoptees who contacted their birth families, only to be rejected. Then there are others who have very complicated reunions and relationships. Though even considering the endless possibilities and the fact that I might never fully be ready, I still think searching and finding something unexpected is better than knowing nothing at all.

My advice to other adoptees who are considering searching for their birth family is to make sure you have a solid support system to lean on during this process. I also recommend personally reflecting on your motivations for searching and what you want to get out of it. Lastly, do your research on search options and leverage the existing resources and lived experiences of others who are already familiar with this. I recommend joining the CCI Birth Parent Searching and Reunion Group on Facebook for any Chinese adoptees looking to start this journey.

Thanks for reading and best of luck to my fellow searching adoptees!

Coming Next: Searching for my family in Vietnam

Ressourcen

Suche und Wiedervereinigung bei der internationalen Adoption

Mai 25, 2023Mai 19, 2023

Auf der Suche nach meiner Familie in Kolumbien

von Jose Taborda, born in Colombia, raised in the USA

First journal entry by my adoptive mother

In the spring of 1978, I was born in Medellin, Colombia. Separated from my first family by adoption, I was brought by my adoptive parents to New Jersey and grew up with my younger adoptive sister in a Northern New Jersey suburb just outside of New York City.

I was lucky as an adoptee because my adoptive parents made a conscious decision to talk to me about my adoption from an early age. They attended a couple of workshops about adopting a child offered by an adoption agency prior to my adoption where they had been counselled to inform me as soon as possible about my adoption so as to normalise it for me. This advice informed their approach in terms of collecting information and artefacts of my adoption. This included stories of my adoption in Colombia in the form of journal entries written by my adoptive mother, a photograph of my first mother, and my adoption records containing identifying information about my first mother.

Upon refection, it wasn’t just luck and good advice, my parents were compassionate people who made the decision to share what they knew about my origins with me throughout my life. They had the right instincts that led them not only to send me a dossier containing every artefact about my adoption while I was in college and I first expressed an interest in searching, but also to support my search when I began.

When I moved to New York City in my mid-twenties, I started searching. At the time, I had a Yahoo! Email account and noticed that it offered searchable interest groups. There was a group called Colombian Adoptee Search and Support (CASAS), which gathered many people like me: twenty-something Colombian adoptees who grew up around New York City and living in the area! I was shocked to find hundreds of people who were sharing resources about searching, so I started making connections and attending meetups and dinners in Brooklyn and Manhattan where we enjoyed sharing stories and Latino fare.

Through these meetups, I had gotten the contact information of a private investigator in Medellin with whom I started to interact about my search. Because I had identifying information about my first mother, it took him two weeks to find her. A couple weeks after that, I had my first phone call with her. As one can imagine, finding my first mother within a month of beginning my search was all a whirlwind and very overwhelming. My excitement got the best of me, and I dove right into making plans for a reunion. Well, all of this came as a shock to my adoptive mother and sister, who weren’t as excited as me. They felt threatened by my news. I remember spending a lot of time convincing them that I wasn’t trying to replace them, but rather, it would be an opportunity to learn about my origins. They were not convinced that it was so simple. Searching for first family by adoptees may bring up many past trauma wounds for all members of the adoption constellation. I have heard stories of adoptees shying away from doing any searching while their adoptive parents are still alive due to the raw emotions around adoption that are very rarely acknowledged and dealt with during an adoptive family’s time living together. And when the possibility of a reunion arises, adoptees may find themselves having to reckon with these complicated emotions. This reckoning is not our responsibility as adoptees, but it may be an unanticipated and unwelcome reality that adoptees must face when searching and reuniting with first family.

Coincidentally, the film “Las Hijas” was going to be screened. It was timely that Maria Quiroga, a local filmmaker, was releasing the film profiling three female Colombian adoptees and their reunions with first family. So I invited my mother and sister to join me. It was an interesting experience because the filmmaker handled the subject matter responsibly in presenting the reality of how complicated reunions between adoptees and first family can be. It helped to see this objective perspective on the emotionally charged situation that was playing out for us. It provided a context for our sensitive conversations, and it helped us to understand that we were not the only ones experiencing the feelings we were. Despite all of that, we continued to have conversations that required my soothing their frayed feelings around my upcoming reunion.

One thing that stands out for me now sixteen years later as I reflect on my reunion as a young man, is that I did not pursue any mental health support to guide me on that complicated endeavour. In my local adoptee community, the discussion was more centred on the topic of search and reunion in my memory and not as much on adoption mental health issues. However, I acknowledge there is a high likelihood my antenna wasn’t tuned to that particular signal, so to speak. More recently, I have read a lot of highly-respected literature about adoption and mental health including Die Urwunde by Nancy Verrier and Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton to name a couple of outstanding examples. I am a regular listener to adoptee podcasts including Adoptierte auf with host Haley Radke and Adapted with host Kaomi Lee among others. I have met many adoptees and I am lucky to live close to an adoptee organization called Also Known As, Inc. that hosts meet ups for transracial, intercountry adoptees. Wise adoptees and adoption professionals these days counsel adoptees who are engaged in reunion to set some boundaries that include having a third-party present during reunion meetings, not staying with first family right away, and pursuing therapy before, during, and after reunion. I did none of those things.

All of this gathering of resources and self-education on the intersection of adoption and mental health has demonstrated to me that I took a very impetuous, uninformed, and quite risky path on my reunion journey. I stayed with my first mother and her family for three weeks at their home in an outlying municipality of Medellin. I do have very positive memories from my first visit in 2006 that led me to return in the two subsequent years. However, somewhere down the line some members of my first family started to develop expectations that involved money. It was not much at first, but, with time, their boldness grew. This expectation made me uncomfortable because I didn’t want to have to explain to any of them that I am a professional in a field that is not very highly-compensated. To them, I was just the more fortunate one who was able to escape their humble circumstances. No matter how difficult my personal situation was, they are right that I had many more opportunities in the U.S. than they did in Colombia, but I did not feel that it was my responsibility to have to provide for them. I wanted to just get to know them knowing that it would take time to develop a family bond. Truly, I faced hard feelings when they asked for money and that made things very confusing for me. While I know that my experience is not unique, I wished that it wasn’t part of my reunion story. At some point, I stopped contacting them because it all became too much for me. This is where an intervention such as adoption-focused therapy would have been helpful.

Some years passed and I turned the page on my adoption by quite literally ceasing to think about my adoption and pausing all the actions I had taken to learn about my origins during my twenties. I turned thirty, I got married and became a new father, and I wanted to focus on my new family in Brooklyn. I was also in graduate school, so juggling responsibilities was the theme starting in 2010. Since that time, a lot has changed.

Nowadays, I am divorced, I am co-parenting a budding teenager, and I have settled into a career as a college educator. As I moved into middle-age, I became more introspective, and I found myself interrogating some difficult feelings that felt like depression and anxiety. When I realised that I did not have easy answers to that line of inquiry, I began searching for ways to remove barriers to happiness that had started showing up. It started to dawn on me that my adoption may be the cause of some of my bad decisions in life and the source of a feeling of malaise that crept in every now and again. I remember once sitting on a beach in the Rockaways with my best friend and confidant of many years and reflecting out loud that I should look into therapy for adoption to try to answer some nagging questions.

About six months after that conversation in 2021, I got around to doing some basic internet searching and was amazed by what I found. There was so much work that had been done in the intervening years since I started my search. As I previously mentioned, I went down a path of self-education, I engaged in some adoption-focused group therapy, and I have been attending online and in-person support groups made up of adoptees since that discovery. I have learned so much about myself and adoption since I started to reconnect to my adopted-self. Some of it has been difficult, but I am very happy to have opened myself up to feel, meditate, inquire, grieve, and build community. It is cliche, but I wish I knew during my reunion and prior what I know now.

In short, I hope that adoptees who are on the bold path of searching and reuniting with first family will take careful, well-informed steps. I know from my experience that there are no easy answers, and reunion may be when many hard questions rise to the surface. However, that search for the discovery and recovery of self and identity is worth it all because even if one does not find first family, there is so much to learn about oneself along the way.

I hope that adoptees take the time to explore all of the particular intersections of adoption and mental health including, but not limited to, the Primal Wound theory, the post-traumatic stress implications of adoption, ambiguous loss, and the Adoptee Consciousness Model. Most definitely read the two books by Verrier and Lifton previously mentioned. Check out Damon Davis’ podcast Who Am I Really?, and the two others previously mentioned. Read JaeRan Kim’s brilliant blog Harlow’s Monkey. If looking for a therapist in the U.S., check out Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker’s adoptee therapist directory curated on her website Grow Beyond Words. If one does not have the money to pursue therapy, there are plenty of books, podcasts, and support groups that could provide information and resources helpful in informing decisions around searching, finding, and reunion with first family. Just start checking out all of the amazing resources on Lynelle Long’s comprehensive treasure of a website InterCountry Adoptee Voices. Search on Facebook for a group you can join that holds online support groups, or, even better, search for a local group in your area to meet up in person with adoptees. A great place to search for a local group in the USA is on Pamela A. Karanova’s website Adoptees Connect.

The above is just a cursory glance at some of the most salient resources I have found that have nourished my soul as I step into more consciousness about my adoption on my journey of self-discovery. My greatest hope is that someone reading these words may find something in them to hold onto.

Coming Next: Auf der Suche nach meiner Familie in China

Ressourcen

Suche und Wiedervereinigung bei der internationalen Adoption

Mai 20, 2023Mai 19, 2023

Suche in der internationalen Adoption durch Adoptee Experts Webinar

Am 23. April 2023 veranstaltete ICAV ein Panel-Webinar, um Ihnen das Fachwissen unserer Suchexperten auf der ganzen Welt vorzustellen und ihre besten Weisheiten darüber zu teilen, was bei der Suche im Rahmen internationaler Adoptionen zu beachten ist. Sie vertraten direkt Adoptionsorganisationen aus Sri Lanka, Äthiopien, Südkorea, Haiti, Kolumbien und Griechenland.

Sehen Sie sich das Webinar hier an:
Hinweis: Wenn Sie es in Chrome ansehen, klicken Sie auf die Schaltfläche „Mehr erfahren“, um das Video anzusehen

Timecode

Für diejenigen, die wenig Zeit haben und zu den relevanten Abschnitten springen möchten, ist hier ein Timecode als Hilfe:

00:20 Einführung, Willkommen, Zweck
04:30 Vorstellung der Diskussionsteilnehmer
04:39 Marcia Engel
06:48 Rebecca Payot
09:29 Jonas Desír
10:25 Linda Carol Trotter
12:55 Kayla Curtis
15:22 Hilbrand Westra
17:44 Benoît Vermeerbergen
21:00 Celin Fässler

Fragen & Antworten

23:28 Was beinhaltet der allgemeine Suchvorgang? – Kayla
27:30 Was sollten Adoptierte vorbereiten? – Linda, Marcia
35:51 Was sind einige der Ergebnisse? – Jonas, Kayla, Linda
46:50 Welche möglichen Hindernisse sind zu erwarten? – Rebecca, Linda
56:51 Welche Ethik ist zu berücksichtigen? – Marcia, Kayla
1:06:40 Was sollte eine Suche kosten? – Rebecca, Linda, Celin
1:11:46 Wem kann man vertrauen? Hilbrand, Jonas
1:16:16 Welche Aspekte sind bei DNA-Tests zu beachten? – Benoît
1:19:18 Zu welchen Ergebnissen können DNA-Tests führen? – Benoît
1:20:40 Welche DNA-Tests empfehlen Sie? Benoït, Marcia
1:23:51 Welche Vorteile bietet die Verwendung einer von Adoptierten geführten Suchorganisation? – Celin, Marcia
1:28:28 Was war nötig, um eine vertrauenswürdige, von der Regierung finanzierte Suchorganisation zu werden? – Celin
1:30:36 Was wird von den Regierungen am meisten benötigt, um Adoptierte bei unserer Suche zu unterstützen? – Hilbrand, Marcia

Zusammenfassung der Kernbotschaften

Klicken Hier für ein PDF unserer Schlüsselnachrichten von jedem Diskussionsteilnehmer

Ressourcen

Ein großes Dankeschön an die 26 Adoptierten, die ihre Sucherfahrungen teilen wollten, damit andere ein tieferes Verständnis erlangen können. Sie repräsentieren Erfahrungen aus 13 Geburtsländern (China, Kolumbien, Indien, Malaysia, Marokko, Peru, Philippinen, Rumänien, Russland, Südkorea, Sri Lanka, Thailand, Vietnam) und wurden in 9 Adoptivländer (Australien, Belgien, Kanada, Frankreich) geschickt , Deutschland, Schottland, Schweden, Großbritannien, USA).

ICAVs neuestes Perspektivenpapier am Suche im Bereich internationale Adoption

Weitere Ressourcen finden Sie in unserem Suche & Wiedervereinigung Buchseite

April 7, 2023April 4, 2023

Antirassismus-Online-Workshops für transrassische Adoptierte und Eltern

Letztes Jahr lief ich a Webinar über die Erfahrungen internationaler und transrassischer Adoptierter mit Rassismus, um das Bewusstsein zu schärfen und diesen gemeinsamen Erfahrungen als Gemeinschaft eine Stimme zu verleihen. Um den Mangel an Ressourcen für unsere Gemeinschaft in diesem Bereich weiter anzugehen, habe ich die Finanzierung über das verwendet Beziehungen Australien Programm für kleine Zuschüsse und Stipendien einstellen Farbton, ein Live-Experience-Unternehmen, das sich auf Antirassismus-Workshops spezialisiert hat. Gemeinsam bieten Hue und ICAV einen dringend benötigten Raum (separat für transrassische Adoptierte und einen weiteren für Adoptiveltern), um einige dieser Probleme im Zusammenhang mit Rasse, Rassismus und internationalen / transrassischen Adoptionen zu diskutieren, zu sensibilisieren und zu bearbeiten.

Unsere Workshops sind kostenlos und werden als dreiteilige Serie angeboten, als ein Anti-Rassismus-Programm, das speziell auf australische internationale und transrassische Adoptierte und ihre Eltern zugeschnitten ist. Adoptierte und Eltern aus anderen Ländern können gerne teilnehmen, da sie verstehen, dass das Programm aus australischer Perspektive (aber immer noch relevant für andere Länder) und in einer australischen Zeitzone durchgeführt wird. Jeder Workshop ist auf 35 begrenzt, um den maximalen Nutzen für die Teilnehmer zu gewährleisten.

Beide Programme werden in ihrem ersten Workshop eine Einführung in Rasse und Rassismus behandeln und unser Verständnis und kritisches Denken in Bezug auf systemischen Rassismus und Ungerechtigkeit entwickeln. Der zweite Workshop befasst sich mit dem Weißsein oder der von Weißen dominierten Kultur und der Art und Weise, wie unsere Einstellungen und Lebensweisen von diesen kulturellen Systemen beeinflusst werden, insbesondere im Zusammenhang mit internationalen Adoptionen. Die Adoptierten werden mit einem Programm abschließen, das Möglichkeiten erforscht, die schädlichen Überzeugungen, die wir in einer von Weißen dominierten Kultur verinnerlichen, zu verlernen und herauszufordern, Werkzeuge für die kollektive Befreiung und Solidarität sowie Werkzeuge für die Selbst- und Gemeinschaftsfürsorge. Adoptiveltern werden ihre Reihe mit einem Workshop über Verbündete abschließen, Fähigkeiten entwickeln, um Rassismus in Frage zu stellen, wenn sie ihn sehen, und ihre Adoptivkinder durch ihre Erfahrungen unterstützen.

Hier sind einige Informationen über Hue und seine Moderatorin Elsa, mit der ich zusammengearbeitet habe, um diese Workshops an unsere Community-Erfahrung anzupassen:

Farbton ist eine Organisation für Rassen- und soziale Gerechtigkeit, die von zwei farbigen Frauen gegründet wurde und eine Reihe von Trainingsprogrammen anbietet, die zugänglich, ansprechend und stärkenbasiert sind. Ihre Workshops werden von Menschen mit gelebter Erfahrung geleitet, um partizipative und nuancierte Lernerfahrungen für alle Wissensstufen zu bieten. Sie bieten auch kontinuierliche Unterstützung und Beratung für Organisationen, die sinnvolle Änderungen in ihren Richtlinien, Prozessen und ihrer Arbeitskultur vornehmen möchten.

Elsa (sie/sie) ist eine queere, jüdische und chinesische Farbige. Sie ist Pädagogin, Moderatorin, Organisatorin und Performerin. Sie ist Mitbegründerin von Hue, einer Organisation gegen Rassismus und soziale Gerechtigkeit, die Schulungen und Beratung für Organisationen anbietet. Zuvor war sie Ausbildungsleiterin bei Democracy in Color und war zwei Amtszeiten lang im Vorstand und QTIBIPOC-Vorstandsausschuss von Switchboard Victoria tätig. Sie hat einen Hintergrund in Sozialarbeit und Psychologie und schrieb ihre Abschlussarbeit darüber, wie gemischtrassige Menschen aus mehreren Minderheiten mit ihrer ethnischen Identität umgehen. 2020 wurde sie mit einem der Out for Australia’s 30 under 30, for LGBTQIA+ Role Models and Leaders ausgezeichnet und 2022 war sie Halbfinalistin für die 7NEWS Young Achievers Awards for Community Service and Social Impact. Sie setzt sich leidenschaftlich dafür ein, gelebte Erfahrungen zu Plattformen zu machen, die Macht der Gemeinschaft aufzubauen und dabei zu heilen.

Die wichtigsten Daten der Workshops für Adoptierte sind: 21. Mai, 4. Juni, 18. Juni, Beginn um 13:00 Uhr AEST. Jeder Workshop dauert 3,5 Stunden mit Pausen dazwischen. Input und Teilnahme werden durch Kleingruppen-Breakouts gefördert. Dies ist kein Workshop zum Sitzen und Zuhören, aber wenn Sie sich dabei wohl fühlen, ist das auch in Ordnung.

Wenn Sie sich als internationaler / transrassischer Adoptierter an unserem Workshop nur für Adoptierte beteiligen möchten, klicken Sie bitte auf das gelbe RSVP-Bild:

Die wichtigsten Termine der Workshops für Adoptiveltern sind: 23. Juli, 6. August, 20. August ab 13:00 Uhr AEST. Jeder Workshop dauert 3,5 Stunden mit Pausen dazwischen. Input und Teilnahme werden durch Kleingruppen-Breakouts gefördert. Dies ist kein Workshop zum Sitzen und Zuhören, aber wenn Sie sich dabei wohl fühlen, ist das auch in Ordnung.

Wenn Sie als Adoptiveltern an unserem Workshop nur für Adoptiveltern teilnehmen möchten, klicken Sie bitte auf das blaue RSVP-Bild:

Großen Dank an die Australische Bundesregierung, DSS für die Ermöglichung durch die Förderung durch Relationships Australia ICAFSS, Programm für kleine Zuschüsse und Stipendien.

März 9, 2023März 3, 2023

Adoptierte Trauer und Zen-Meditation

In Indianapolis habe ich kürzlich begonnen, Zen-Meditation mit einer Sangha in der Linie des Mahayana-Buddhismus aus der Kwan-Um-Schule des Zen zu praktizieren, die von Zen-Meister Seung Sahn gegründet wurde. Ich begann mein Studium damit, mit einer Gemeinschaft von Praktizierenden im Indianapolis Zen Center zusammenzusitzen. Die Übungen bestehen aus Sitz- und Gehmeditation, dem Hören von Zen-Dharma-Lesungen und der Teilnahme an unbeschwerten Dharma-Diskussionen im Wartezimmer.

Was die Meditationspraxis grundlegend verändert hat, war das Meditieren mit offenen Augen. Ich beschloss, es zu versuchen, und war von seinen Funktionen und seiner Nützlichkeit beeindruckt. Ich bin völlig wach, anstatt mich in verschiedenen schlafenden, subtilen Meditationsphasen zu bewegen, mit denen ich normalerweise inneren Frieden finde. Ich bin wach in der Achtsamkeit, die ich mit geschlossenen Augen gewinne, und was meine Meditationen vorantreibt, ist, dass ich in meinem Wachleben sofort eine Achtsamkeit entwickle, anstatt meine Augen zu schließen, all diese Arbeit im Dunkeln zu erledigen und sie später zu integrieren die Welt.

Was seit meinem kürzlichen Umzug in diese neue Stadt aufgekommen ist, ist die lebendige Trauer, in die ich eingetaucht bin, wenn ich meine Augen schließe. Ich empfinde es in meinen Meditationen als einen wilden, alles verzehrenden Ozean. Und daraus ergibt sich eine Schwere in meinem Kopf. Und ich schaue durch diese Schwere wie Nebel oder Schmutz auf einem Fenster. Aber es ist klar, was ich in Sekundenbruchteilen vorübergehender Klarheit erreicht habe. Und dann spüre ich im gegenwärtigen Moment exakte Lebendigkeit, und ich habe überhaupt keinen Verstand. Ich bin gerade wach in dem Raum, in dem ich sitze.

Während eines Zen-Retreats, das ich gestern hatte, konnte ich ein Interview mit einem Lehrer führen. Ich habe meine Trauer in der Mediation angesprochen und meine Erfahrung, wenn sie sich auflöst.

"Wo geht es hin?" fragte der Lehrer.

„Er verschwindet“, sagte ich.

„Dann hast du die Wahl“, sagte er lächelnd.

Ich beschrieb die Trauer und die Schwere, wie sie an mir ziehen und mich schläfrig machen kann, und wie die Gefühle der Traurigkeit und diese Schwere meine Klarheit verdunkeln können, und suchte Zen-Rat zur Meditation mit diesen schwierigen Empfindungen, die sich fast wie ein Kreis drehen. Ich beschrieb, dass ich eine starke Anhaftung daran habe, dass ich es vielleicht noch größer gemacht habe, indem ich mich im Laufe der Jahre in meinen Meditationen darauf konzentriert habe, unwissentlich meinen Geist darauf konzentriert und es gefüttert habe, aber jetzt sehe, wie es in mir verweilt Augen auf, und ich kann mir nur vorstellen, wie es auch mein Wachleben unbewusst beeinflussen könnte. Also war ich beunruhigt, weil all dies so ist, als ob ich mein lebenslanges Karma als Adoptierter auf mich nehmen würde, wovon der Lehrer zum Glück ein wenig weiß.

„Lernen Sie daraus“, sagte er, „und wenn ich es erlebt habe, wäre ich ihm dankbar. Ich bedankte mich für die Lektion.“ Er beschrieb seine eigenen Lebenserfahrungen in Trauer, erwähnte ein Buch mit dem Titel: Wie man mit seinen Dämonen befreundet ist, und sagte, es ging für ihn weg.

Ich fühlte einen plötzlichen Hoffnungsschimmer in diesem Gespräch.

„Also kann ich versuchen, seine Anwesenheit wahrzunehmen und mit dem Üben fortfahren“, bestätige ich ihm.

„Das muss man spüren“, sagte die Lehrerin gegen Ende meines Zen-Interviews zu mir. „Du musst es besitzen.“ Ich starrte ihn an und verstand jetzt, dass es einen Weg gibt, Zen sogar mit Trauer zu praktizieren. Und dass es einen Weg gibt, es zu besitzen und ihm nicht die Kontrolle über mein Leben zu überlassen.

In meiner neuen Wohnung in Indianapolis sehe ich die Trauer in meinem Leben, wie sie heute ist, und die Schwere, die sie erzeugt, mit offenen Augen, und ich schreibe Tagebuch darüber, was sie mich lehrt. Ich stelle mir selbst kritische Fragen nach dem, was ich beobachte, auch wenn es schwer ist. Anstatt mich ganz auf meine Trauer zu konzentrieren, gebe ich Raum, ihr zu danken und ihre Präsenz in meinem Leben und meiner Wachwelt und alles, was sie mich lehrt, zu schätzen. Aus meiner Erfahrung mit Trauer ist sie ein verletzter, berauschender Begleiter für mich, besonders mit dem Tod meines philippinischen amerikanischen Bruders im letzten Jahr. Aber mir wurde auch klar, dass ich meine Trauer nicht aufgebe, indem ich sie wertschätze und sie wieder mit der Liebe in mir verbinde.

Lesen Sie Desirees vorherigen Blog: Weiterziehen in einer neuen Stadt

Ressourcen

Trauma in Adoptionsressourcen

Deine Trauer ist dein Geschenk

Februar 23, 2023Mai 18, 2023

UK Intercountry Adoptees Webinar

Am 30. Januar 2023 nahm eine kleine Gruppe internationaler Adoptierter im Vereinigten Königreich an einer Webinar-Veranstaltung teil, um ihre Gedanken und Erfahrungen mit Adoptivelternorganisationen auszutauschen. AdoptionUK.

In diesem Webinar treffen Sie Sarah Hilder, adoptiert aus Sri Lanka, Joshua Aspden, adoptiert aus Ecuador, Emma Estrella, adoptiert aus Brasilien, Meredith Armstrong, adoptiert aus China, und Claire Martin, adoptiert aus Hongkong. Gemeinsam beantworten wir einige Fragen, die Adoptiveltern stellen AdoptionUK fragen.

Sehen Sie sich das Webinar an und unten finden Sie einen Zeitcode, Schlüsselbotschaften und relevante Ressourcen.
Hinweis: Wenn Sie es in Chrome ansehen, klicken Sie auf die Schaltfläche „Mehr erfahren“, um das Video anzusehen

Webinar-Zeitcode

00:20 Einleitung von AdoptionUK
01:03 Einleitung von Lynelle von ICAV
02:44 Sarah Hilder
03:35 Claire Martin
05:34 Meredith Armstrong
07:39 Emma Estrela
09:39 Joshua Aspden
12:17 Wie kann ich mich bei der Suche nach meiner Familie vor Betrügern schützen? – Lynelle
17:23 Tipps für die Herangehensweise an die Lebensgeschichtenarbeit – Meredith
20:54 Glauben Sie, dass das Leben besser gewesen wäre, wenn Sie von einer Familie in Ihrem Geburtsland adoptiert worden wären?
21:27 Josua
24:56 Emma
28:00 Was möchten wir Adoptiveltern wissen, wenn sie mit einer internationalen Adoption beginnen?
28:24 Claire
32:25 Meredith
35:12 Sarah
38:24 Emma
40:24 Josua
43:34 Lynelle
45:30 Was verbindet Sie am meisten mit Ihrer Herkunft?
45:45 Sarah
48:23 Claire
49:30 Josua
51:07 Planen Sie, eine Pflegefamilie zu besuchen, irgendwelche Tipps oder Hinweise, um mit den großen Emotionen umzugehen, die für Adoptierte aufkommen werden?
51:30 Meredith
52:24 Emma
54:25 Lynelle
56:24 Jo Ende und Danke

Zusammenfassung der Kernbotschaften des Webinars

Klicken Sie hier für eine pdf dokumentieren

Relevante Ressourcen

Können wir ignorieren oder leugnen, dass Rassismus für Farbige existiert?

Der Kontakt zu Farbigen ist für transrassische Adoptierte nicht automatisch

Rennressourcen für Adoptiveltern

Kulturressourcen für Adoptiveltern

Globale Liste der Unterstützung nach der Adoption speziell für internationale Adoptierte

Die Bedeutung der Unterstützung vor und nach der Adoption

Such- und Wiedervereinigungsressourcen

Gedanken für Adoptiveltern

Februar 14, 2023Februar 13, 2023

Sensibler Umgang mit Verlassenheitsängsten

von Lila M, chinesischer Adoptivling, der in den USA aufgewachsen ist

„Was ist das für ein Schlüssel um deinen Hals?“ – Ich bekomme diese Frage genauso oft, wie ich gefragt werde, woher ich komme.

Ich trage einen goldenen Schlüssel um meinen Hals. Ich trage es seit zehn Jahren so.

Es sagt, "Zweisamkeit ist Liebe, 10.02.62“ auf der einen Seite und „MT" auf dem anderen.

Meine Mutter, die eine Rebellin war, beschloss, mit einem besten Freund aus Kindertagen die Schule zu schwänzen. Sie wanderten durch die Straßen von New York City. Sie fanden den Schlüssel. Sie versuchten, den Besitzer / Ort zu finden, an den es ging. Es war jedoch mitten auf die Straße geworfen worden, so dass sie erfolglos blieben. Meine Mutter und mein bester Freund dachten immer, es sei ein Liebesstreit. Schlüssel vor Wut weggeworfen.

Schneller Vorlauf, als meine Mutter mich adoptierte.

Als ich klein war, hatte ich Angst, dass meine Eltern nach einer Verabredungsnacht nicht zu mir nach Hause kommen würden.

Meine Mutter würde sagen: „Nimm diesen goldenen Schlüssel von diesem Turm, behalte ihn bei dir. Wir sind zu Hause, wenn du schläfst, und du kannst es mir morgen früh persönlich geben.“ Es gab mir ein Gefühl der Sicherheit. Als ob meine Mutter und mein Vater bei mir wären und zurückkehren würden.

Als ich die High School abgeschlossen hatte, hatte ich mich entschieden, ein College außerhalb des Staates zu besuchen. Als Geschenk hatte meine Mutter den goldenen Schlüssel aufgespannt und gab ihn mir als Geschenk, als Versprechen, immer bei mir zu sein, dass meine Mutter und mein Vater immer da sein würden, zu Hause, und darauf warteten, dass ich nach Hause komme, Schlüssel in der Hand (oder um den Hals, um genau zu sein).

Eine kleine Geschichte über einen herzförmigen Schlüssel zu Ehren des Valentinstags.

Februar 3, 2023Februar 3, 2023

Vietnamesische Adoptivbrüder und -schwestern finden einander durch DNA

Mikati is a fellow Vietnamese adoptee raised in Belgium, who joined the ICAV network some years ago, wanting to connect to those who understood the complexities of this lifelong journey. I’m honoured to be a part of her life and she told me the amazing news recently of finding and reuniting with her biological brother Georges who was also adopted, but to France. Neither knew of the other until their DNA matches showed up. Together, Mikati and Georges have shared with me their thoughts about finding each other and searching now for their Vietnamese family. Since sharing this and having their news go viral in Vietnamese media, they are currently awaiting news that they have possibly found their mother. Incredible what can be achieved these days with DNA technology and social media! Here is their story as reunited brother and sister.

About Your Life

Georges

I’ve been adopted in 1996 by French parents and my Vietnamese name is Trương Vanlam. I live in Noisy-le-Grand, a little Parisian suburb near the river Marne. I happily live with my cat and girlfriend.

My life in France (childhood to present) meant I’ve grown up in the countryside surrounded by medieval castles, fields and forests. It has not always been easy to be different in a place where Asian people were very rare to encounter. I was a shy kid but I was happy to have the love of my adoptive family and some friends. Later, I studied in Paris, a pluri-ethnic place with a lot of people from different origins. I have an interest in arts like theatre and cinema and I’ve started to develop short films with my friends. I am not shy anymore but creative and more confident.

My adoptive parents were very happy to see me for Christmas. They are retired and they don’t leave their village very often like before. They try to help me as much as they can and are happy about my reconnection to my new found sister, Mikati. I trust and respect my adoptive parents and they trust me and respect me equally.

I teach cinema, video editing and graphics with Adobe suite to adults and teens. I’m making videos and one day, I hope to become a movie director.

Mikati

I was born in 1994 and adopted to Belgium in June 1995 at 7 months of age. I currently live in Kortrijk in West-Flanders, Belgium. My childhood was in Anzegem, not so far from Kortrijk.

I have been able to develop and grow up in Belgium. I have some dear friends. I have a nice job. Over the years I have made beautiful trips in and out of Europe and met many people. I have done two studies – orthopedagogy and social work. Here I learned how important human, children’s and women’s rights are. I have been working for a non-profit organization for years. I follow up families in socially vulnerable situations and connect them with a student who is studying at the college or university. I did not study to be a teacher, but it is true that I do train students about how they can work with vulnerable families, how they can reflect on their actions, etc.

My childhood wasn’t all that fantastic. As an intercountry adoptee, I grew up in a white environment. That environment had little respect for my original roots. Sometimes I would walk down the street and hear racial slurs from people I didn’t know. As much as I tried to assimilate, I didn’t forget my roots.

My Vietnamese name is Pham Thi Hoa Sen which says a lot about what my life has been like. I grew up to turn out beautiful but I grew up in mud just like a lotus flower. A thorough screening could have prevented a lot. My adoptive parents are not bad people and they did their best, but they underestimated the care needed for children adopted internationally. My adoptive mother already had two children from a previous marriage that she was no longer allowed to see. She was mentally unable to raise children. My adoptive parents are burdened by trauma that they have not worked through. At that time there was also little to no psychological support and guidance for adoptive parents. It was very difficult growing up with them. It is by seeking help for myself and talking to people about it, that I am more aware of life. Just because you mean well and have good intentions does not mean that you are acting right.

About Your Reunion

Georges

It has been surreal, like a dream and a little bit frightening to be found by my sister because all my beliefs about my personal history are now unsure. The first days, I remember repeating again and again, “I’ve got an elder sister, I’ve got an elder sister”. Then we started to talk and get to know each other more and it became more real. Now I’m very happy and proud to have Mikati as my sister. It’s very strange because even though we met only two weeks ago, I feel like I have know her for a long time. For me, it’s a new step in my life, the beginning of a journey where I will connect more with her, with Vietnam, where we will try to discover our family story, I hope.

Mikati is a strong and caring woman who is always trying to help others despite having encountered many difficulties in her life. She’s very passionate, clever, funny and above all I respect and admire the person she is. We like to discuss many things from important subjects like international adoptions and smaller subjects like the life of our respective cats or tv series or why Belgians are so proud to eat French fries with mayonnaise. I don’t know why but I’ve quickly felt a connection with her. It could be because of our shared DNA but I think it’s more probably because she is fundamentally fantastic as a person. I like to tease her a little sometime and she’s very patient with me and my jokes! We’ve got our differences of course, but siblings always have differences. I’m very glad to have her in my life.

Mikati

1.5 years ago I decided to take a DNA test through MyHeritage (a commercial DNA-kit). To get a bit of an indication of where my roots come from. Through the result I got a little more information about ethnicity and I saw distant relatives. It was cool to know something because I know very little about my roots. I hadn’t looked at MyHeritage in a long time until early December 2022. I have no idea why exactly as I didn’t even get a notification. To my surprise, I saw that I had a new match. It wasn’t just any distant relative, it was my brother! He lived in a neighbouring country, France!

You have to know that I just woke up when I looked at my mobile phone, so I immediately sent a message to some close friends and my guidance counsellor at the Descent Center. I wanted to know if I was dreaming. Finally I got the confirmation from the experts at the Descent Center that my DNA result were real and we share over 2500 centimorgans! That means he is not half but rather, a full brother.

I was so happy! So many emotions raced through my body that day. I saw a lot of people who were also adopted at an event that day. Most of them were a great support. Most were as happy and moved as I was. A minority reacted rather short, jealous or gave unsolicited advice about anything and everything. I also understand their feelings. It is an exceptional situation that triggers many emotions. Those emotions of others made it sometimes overwhelming for me.

I contacted Georges through Facebook. I wondered if he had already seen it. When he didn’t reply, a friend gave me his LinkedIn profile that had his email address on it. I felt like a little stalker but I decided to send him an email as well. I sent him a little text and gave him the option to get in touch if he wanted to. When he answered, he introduced himself and asked a few questions. The contact was open, enthusiastic and friendly. So we are very sure of the DNA match, but some mysteries soon surfaced quickly during the first conversation. We told each other what name we got on our adoption papers. Our last names are different. I see on my adoption papers that I have the same last name as my mother. Maybe he has the father’s last name? Georges has not yet properly looked at his adoption papers, so there are still pieces of the puzzle missing.

I am happy when I connect with my brother. The contact feels so natural! We talk and joke like we have known each other for years. We both got a little emotional when we talked about our childhood but also realised how close geographically we grew up. Georges is barely 14 months younger than me. Did the orphanage ever talk to my adoptive parents and suggest taking Georges too? So that we could grow up together? What would my adoptive parents do in such a situation? With a reunion, the search for one’s identity is not over. In fact, it has opened up many more questions!

About your biological family in Vietnam

Georges

My determination to find my family in Vietnam has increased since I met my elder sister but I’ve always been curious to find more information about my biological mother and father. Growing up as an adopted child, I grew up with a perpetual mystery about my origins. It defines me, marking me forever because I’m always facing the fear of being rejected again . Like many adoptees, I grew up with this explanation: “Your first parents left you because of their poverty.” This is speculation which may be true or not and we do not know until the facts are gathered. I feel no anger about that but I want to know the real motives, the real story from their point of view. Was it their decision or not….?

Mikati is really passionate and determined in this search and about our story and she told me about the real problems caused by some organisations which have seen international adoption as a business in the 1990s. I did research to gather information based on official and independent reports from the press and UNICEF and I talked to adopted people who have been in our orphanage. I’m worried about some testimonies, about the lack of transparency in the adoption process and to adoptive parents, adopted children and biological parents and now I want to be sure if our parents gave their consent or not. I’m also determined to discover this truth and to show our journey through a documentary in order give more information about what could have been problematic in international adoption in the 1990s to year 2000. I’m not alone in this quest ,my elder sister is with me and I’m with her.

I’ve never had the opportunity to return to Vietnam yet but it is something I hope to do in the near future. I’m sure it won’t be only for fun and tourism!

You can follow Georges at Facebook, LinkedIn oder Youtube.

Mikati

I have my reasons for wanting to find my parents. Under Article 7 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, the child has a right to information about his or her parentage. It is also fundamental in human beings to know where they come from. As long as I don’t know the story about my biological parents, I can’t be mad. I really wonder what their
story is. I know it’s going to be hard to search. I know that commercial DNA testing is less used in Vietnam. Papers and names were sometimes forged. I don’t know if my mom actually came from My Tho. Is her name really Tuyet Mai? Right now I’m looking at it mostly inquisitively and with compassion. I want to look at the bigger picture. Why is it that parents are faced with the decision to give up a child? How can a system support parents so that such things do not have to happen again?

Recently a Vietnamese woman contacted me on social media. She told me why she had given up her child in the same orphanage as Georges and I. It has not been easy for her to find out where her child went and she continues to search for her child, even if it was more than 20 years ago. She is still saddened by the situation. If anyone can help us broaden this search, please see Hier.

I have lost contact with my adoptive parents, so they know nothing about my search. I’m sure my adoptive mother would have disapproved.

It would be nice if we find our parents, but we’ll see. I am very grateful for Phuc who has offered to help us search. He seems very nice. I hear from other adoptees that he is friendly and reliable. I also read articles about him and it’s unbelievable what he does to bring families together! I would find it courageous if families dare to come out for what was difficult in the past and why they gave up their child. By telling their story as biological parents, even if they feel ashamed, our society can learn and improve the future.

There are adoptees whose biological parents thought their baby was stillborn but it was actually sold for adoption. If that’s the case with our parents, they don’t even know we are alive. Our story can be everything. It’s hard to know what our case was.

I have so many unanswered questions and I would like to know my family’s story.

If I were to see my biological mother again, the first thing I would tell her is that I would like to get to know her and listen to her story.

Vietnam will always be special to me, even though I didn’t grow up there. I was 9 years old when I went back with my adoptive parents and my sister (non biological) who is also adopted. We went from North to South. Even though my adoptive mother was negative about Vietnam, she couldn’t ruin it for me. The food, the smiling people, the chaos in Ho Chi Minh and the nature in smaller villages have stayed with me. Now I’m reading more about Vietnam and talking more to Vietnamese people. I am saving up to travel to Vietnam again. Maybe alone, maybe with friends or maybe with Georges. We’ll see. But I certainly will go back and learn more about my beautiful country.

You can follow Mikati and her journey at Facebook oder Instagram.

To read Mikati and Georges’ story as published in the Vietnam media, click Hier und die englische Übersetzung Hier.

Januar 12, 2023Januar 10, 2023

Adoptiert werden

von Marcella Moslow in Kolumbien geboren und in die USA adoptiert; Traumatherapeut

Die schwierigen Realitäten, mit denen Adoptierte umgehen müssen, sind atemberaubend und komplex. Die Leere, die wir in uns tragen, ist enorm und egal wie viel Liebe wir erhalten, es fühlt sich oft so an, als wäre es nicht genug. Die Verbindung und Einstimmung, die wir suchen, die Kultur, auf die wir ein Recht haben, die Bindung, für die wir verkabelt wurden, wird von uns abgestreift und hinterlässt tiefe Wunden. Dies ist verheerend für das System eines Individuums und überträgt sich auf zukünftige Generationen. Wir ringen mit der Realität, dass uns nicht nur etwas zugestoßen ist, sondern uns auch so viel von dem vorenthalten wurde, was wir brauchten. Trauma kann beides sein – das, was uns passiert, sowie das, was uns nicht passiert.

Folgen Sie Marcella bei Insta @marcellamoslow

Ihr neuer Podcast ist zu finden @adopteesdishpodcast

Dezember 29, 2022Dezember 29, 2022

Seit 32 Jahren adoptiert und jetzt KOSTENLOS!

von Lynelle Lang, Vietnamese ex-adoptee raised in Australia, Founder of ICAV

I can officially now say, “I WAS adopted” as in, it is of the past. Now, my identity changes once again and I am no longer legally plenary adopted. I am my own person having made a clear and cognitive adult age decision that I want to be legally free of the people who looked after me since 5 months old. Mostly, I wanted to be legally recognised as my biological mother’s child and for the truth to be on my birth certificate and flowing into all my identity documents for the future. This also impacts my children and their future generations to ensure they do not have to live the lie of adoption either, but are entitled to their genetic truth of whom they are born to, multi generationally.

The biggest lie of plenary adoption is that we are “as if born to our adoptive parents”. My Australian birth certificate reflects this lie. I grew tired of the untruths of adoption so I decided to take matters into my own hands and empower myself. Nine months later, on 13 December 2022, I was officially discharged from my adoption order which had been made when I was 17 years old. Previous to this, I had been flown into Australia by my adoptive father at the age of 5 months old in December 1973 and the family kept me with them for 17 years without legally completing my adoption. So technically, I was legally under the care of the Lutheran Victorian adoption agency and Immigration Minister’s care as my guardians until my adoption got completed in April 1990. These institutions however didn’t seem to followup on me nor did they create a State Ward file on me. It is still a mystery to this day how I was barely followed up on, given they knew quite clearly that my adoption had not been finalised.

My case is very unusual in that most adoptive parents want to quickly complete the adoption so they can be officially regarded as the child’s “legal guardians”. I have no idea why my adoptive parents took so long and what baffles me is how they managed to pass as my “parents” at schools, hospitals, or any places where there should be a question around “who is this child’s parents” when they had nothing formal on paper to prove their “parenthood”. It’s quite obvious I can’t be their “born to” child when I am Asian and they are white caucasians. We look nothing alike and they raised me in rural areas where I was often the only non-white, non-Aboriginal looking person.

So as this year closes, I can celebrate that my year of 2022 has been a year of empowerment in so many ways. On November 2022, I was also recognised for my years of suffering by being offered the maximum compensation, counselling and a direct personal response under the Royal Commission for Institutional Sexual Abuse Redress Scheme by the two entities responsible for me – the Lutheran Church (the Victorian adoption agency) and the Department of Home Affairs (Australian Immigration). The past 5 years I’ve spent talking to countless lawyers, trying to find a way to hold institutions accountable for my placement with a family who should never have received any vulnerable child. Finally, in some small way, I am able to hold these institutions somewhat accountable and be granted a face to face meeting as a direct personal response via the Redress Scheme. What I want them to recognise is the significant responsibility they hold to keep children safe. It is still hard to fathom how any country can allow children in with parents who look nothing like them, clearly having no biological connections, no paperwork, yet not take all precautions to ensure these children are not being trafficked. I am yet to finish with that larger issue of being highly suspicious that my adoption was an illegal one, if not highly illicit. Our governments need to be on higher alert, looking out for all signs of trafficking in children and ensuring that these children are followed up on and that they have indeed been relinquished by their parents before being allowed into another country with people who are nothing alike.

My case in the Redress Scheme also highlights the many failings of the child protection system that is supposed to protect vulnerable children like me. If I’d been adopted by the family as they should have done, I would never have been allowed this compensation or acknowledgement through the Redress Scheme. It is a significant failing of the system that those who are deemed legally “adopted” are not considered to be under “institutional care” when these very institutions are the ones who place us and deem our adoptive families eligible to care for us. ICH wrote about this some years ago when I was frustrated that I hadn’t been able to participate in the Royal Commission for Institutional Sexual Abuse. Thankfully, a kind lawyer and fellow sufferer as a former foster child, Peter Kelso was the one who gave me free legal advice and indicated the way through the Royal Commission labyrinth. He helped me understand my true legal status as “not adopted” at the time of my sexual abuse and it is this truth that helped my case for redress via the free legal services of Knowmore. So it’s a bitter sweet outcome for me as I know of too many fellow adoptees who have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of their adoptive families. Most will never receive any sense of recognition for their suffering and the pathway to hold individuals criminally accountable is also tough if not impossible, depending on the country and laws. In most other countries except Australia, the statute of limitations prevents most victims of sexual abuse from seeking justice. I know from personal experience that it can take survivors 40 plus years to get to the stage of being strong enough to take this route of fighting for justice. More so for an adoptee who lives their life being expected to be “grateful” for adoption and being afraid of further abandonment and rejection should they speak their truth. For some, they never ever talk about their truth as the trauma is just too great and they are busy just surviving. I know of others where the abuse played a major role in their decision to suicide.

I am 2 years into the midst of criminal proceedings against my adoptive family. Next year begins the court contested hearings and who knows what the outcome of that will be nor how long it will go for. I talk about this only to encourage other victims to empower themselves, fight for that inner child who had no-one to protect them! For me, this is what it is all about. I spent years in therapy talking about how none of the adults in my life protected me and even after I exposed the abuse, none of those in professions where child protection is part of their training and industry standard, offered to help me report the perpetrators or take any action to hold them accountable. I finally realised the only one who would ever stand up for myself, was myself. Yes, it has meant I end the relationship with that family, but what type of relationship was it anyway? They were more interested in keeping things quiet and protecting themselves then protecting or creating a safe space for me. I eventually realised I could no longer continue to live the multiple lies both adoption and sexual abuse within that family required. Eventually, I had to chose to live my truth which ultimately meant holding them responsible for the life they’d chosen and created for themselves and me.

I hope one day to also hold institutions accountable for the illegal and illicit aspects of my adoption and once I’m done with that, then I’ll feel like I’ve truly liberated myself from adoption.

Until then, I continue to fight with the rest of my community for this last truth of mine. So many of us should never have been separated from our people, country, culture, language. We lose so much and there is absolutely no guarantee we get placed with families who love, nurture, and uphold us and our original identities.

The legal concept of plenary adoption is truly an outdated mode of care for a vulnerable child and its premise and legal concept needs to be heavily scrutinised in an era of human and child’s rights awareness. I agree there will always be the need to care for vulnerable children, children who can’t be with their families, but it is time we walk into future learning from the harms of the past and making it better for the children in the future. My lifelong goal is always for this because adoptees are the ones who spend so many of our years having no voice, having no independent people checking up on us. Adopted children are so vulnerable! Too often the assumption is made that adoption is a great benefit for us and this oversight impedes a serious deep dive into the risks to our well being and safety. In my case and too many others, it isn’t until we are well into our 40s and onwards that we find our critical thinking voices and allow ourselves to say what we truly know without fear of rejection and abandonment. Plenary adoption needs to be outlawed and simple adoption should only be a temporary solution for a temporary problem. Any form of adoption should always be the choice of the adoptee to have their adoption undone and allowed to return to be legally connected to their original families, if that is what they want.

May we continue to bring awareness and much needed change to our world so that vulnerable children will be given a better chance in the future and to empower our community of adoptee survivors!

I wish for all in my community that 2023 will be a year of empowerment, truth and justice!

Ressourcen

Discharge / Annulment / Undoing your Adoption

In Australien, each State and Territory has its own process to discharge:
VIC, QLD, NSW, WA, SA
This process includes costs that vary between States. All Australian intercountry adoptees can seek the Bursary amount of $500 from our ICAFSS Small Grants and Bursaries to contribute to the costs of their discharge. Domestic adoptees might also access Small Grants and Bursaries via their local equivalent Relationships Australia program too.

Adoptee Rights Australia has extra info on Discharging your Adoption and what it means legally, plus a quick run down on the main points of difference between the States of Australia

Australian domestic adoptee, Katrina Kelly has a FB group Adoption Reversal for adoptees needing help with their adoption discharge

Australian domestic adoptee, Darryl Nelson has a book about annulling his adoption in QLD: A timeline of the injustice of adoption law. He also participated in an SBS Insight program with this article: How I rediscovered my birth family and annulled my adoption

Australian domestic adoptee, William Hammersley’s Last Wish: Give me back my true identity, says adopted man

Dänemark Auslandsadoptierte Netra Sommer: Meine Adoption stornieren

Dänemark Und Niederlande: 3 äthiopische Adoptionen annulliert – ein Weckruf

Vereinigtes Königreich FB-Gruppe des adoptierten Aktivisten Paul Rabz für Gruppe zur Annullierung von Adoptionen für Aktivisten von Adoptierten (Beachten Sie, dass es im Vereinigten Königreich rechtlich noch nicht möglich ist, Ihre Adoption als Adoptierter zu annullieren.)

USA

Adoptierte vereint: Prüfung des Rechts, Ihre eigene Adoption zu beenden (Webinar)

Kann man eine Adoption rückgängig machen? Rückgängigmachung einer Adoption: Adoptiertes Kind, das an die leiblichen Eltern zurückgegeben wird (In der Vergangenheit wurde die Gesetzgebung in Ländern zur Aufhebung / Rückgängigmachung einer Adoption aufgenommen, um Adoptiveltern das Recht zu geben, die Adoption rückgängig zu machen, wenn sie der Meinung waren, dass sie nicht funktioniert.)

HCCH – Haager Internationales Adoptionsübereinkommen : Informationen, die von Zentralen Behörden gesammelt wurden, um Länder zusammenzufassen, die die Annullierung und den Widerruf der Adoption zulassen

Unterstützung durch Freunde: Me Too Survivor Healing

Klagen wegen sexuellen Missbrauchs

USA: Klagen wegen sexuellen Missbrauchs – Ihre rechtlichen Fragen beantwortet (Teile 1 – 3, Podcast)

Ressourcen

Ressourcen

Timecode

Zusammenfassung der Kernbotschaften

Ressourcen

Ressourcen

Webinar-Zeitcode

Zusammenfassung der Kernbotschaften des Webinars

Relevante Ressourcen

About Your Life

Georges

Mikati

About Your Reunion

Georges

Mikati

About your biological family in Vietnam

Georges

Mikati

Ressourcen

Discharge / Annulment / Undoing your Adoption

Vollständige und einfache Annahme

Sexueller Missbrauch bei der Adoption

Unterstützung bei sexuellem Missbrauch

Klagen wegen sexuellen Missbrauchs