von Roxas-Chua, von den Philippinen in die USA adoptiert; Autor, Künstler.
Ich dachte, ich teile dieses Bild, das auf meinem Desktop-Tisch in meinem Studio steht. Ich habe es in einer jener Nächte geschaffen, in denen ich in meinem Adoptionskampf nicht in der Lage war, auf Verschiebungen und Bewegungen zurückzugreifen. Ich finde, dass mir ein ausgewogenes Verhältnis von Geschichtenerzählen, Selbsterziehungsarbeit, kontemplativem Schreiben und Zeichnen dabei geholfen hat, die Welt um mich herum zu navigieren und zu übersetzen. In dieser Zeichnung wurde ich vom Mond begleitet, der mir in gewisser Weise Trost spendete, wie es die Natur tut. Ich hoffe du genießt es. Es ist eine Momentaufnahme der Zärtlichkeit, die wir von uns selbst und von anderen suchen. Wenn der Mond jetzt meine leibliche Mutter sein kann, bin ich damit einverstanden. Ich werde jeden Weg nehmen, der die Nacht erhellt.
Ich bin ein 36-jähriger philippinischer Amerikaner, der adoptiert wurde, und mein Weg, mich davon zu erholen, dass ich als Baby verwaist war, war nie einfach. Ich hatte nicht die Mittel, um auf die Philippinen zurückzukehren und mein Erbe wiederherzustellen. Ich hatte nie die Ressourcen, um die Probleme zu beheben, die ich mit meiner internationalen Adoptionsvermittlung hatte. Also musste ich kreative Lösungen finden, um mich von all dem zu erholen.
Ich kann keine Tipps versprechen, um jemanden vor den Komplikationen einer Adoption oder Adoption zu bewahren. Was ich tun kann, ist, ein paar persönliche Lösungen zu nennen, die ich in meinem eigenen Leben als Adoptierter gefunden habe und die mir auf meinem Weg geholfen haben, mich von meiner internationalen Adoptionsreise zu erholen.
5 Dinge, die ich getan habe, um mein Leben als Adoptierter zurückzugewinnen
Erstellen. Ich habe zuerst Schreiben und dann Bibliotheks- und Informationswissenschaften studiert. Meine Interessen führten dazu, Mixed-Media-Kunst und Informationsprodukte herzustellen, die mir halfen, die Verluste meines transrassischen Lebens auszudrücken und ein neues Identitätsgefühl auf innovative Weise neu zu strukturieren. Ich konnte meine Trauer mit Kunst und Bildung transformieren. Zum Beispiel habe ich ein digitales Archiv erstellt, das meinen Adoptionsprozess und die biologische Identität zeigt, die ich verlor, als ich 1985 als Waise auf den Philippinen geboren wurde. Sie können mein Archiv einsehen Hier und mein Instagram Hier.
Friedlicher Rückzug. Zwischen einem Felsen und einem harten Ort musste ich wählen, was für mich psychologisch und emotional am besten war. Ich habe mit Anfang zwanzig angefangen, mich von der Norm zurückzuziehen. Ich habe mich durch geografische und soziale Distanzierung von meiner Adoptivfamilie getrennt. Ich zog mich von all den vergangenen Beziehungen zurück, die mich in der Vergangenheit im Stich gelassen hatten, und von den schlechten Beziehungen, die ich hatte. Ich bin in meinen Dreißigern nach Hawaii gezogen, ein Ort, an den ich jahrelang auf mysteriöse Weise gerufen worden war. Da lasse ich los. Aber trotz des Loslassens habe ich mich selbst oder die Liebe, die ich für das Leben, meine Ideale oder die Welt um mich herum habe, nie aufgegeben. Und um mich auf Hawaii wohlzufühlen, setzte ich meine Meditationspraktiken und ganzheitlichen Therapien fort.
Konzentration auf die Arbeit. Im Buddhismus gibt es Wege, auf denen man optimal meditieren und durch intensive Arbeit und Anstrengung Befreiung erlangen kann. Die Arbeit war für mich die beste Praxis. Die Arbeit kommt meiner fleißigen Persönlichkeit entgegen. Es ist das beste physische, emotionale und psychologische Ventil. Auch bei der Arbeit kann ich wieder ein Identitätsgefühl aufbauen.
In Gemeinschaften eingebunden sein. Ich engagierte mich in unterstützenden Gemeinschaften und Selbsthilfegruppen. Ich fühle mich zu Menschen hingezogen, die Meditation praktizieren, Menschen, die sich der Kunst oder dem Lernen widmen, oder gemeinnützigen Unternehmungen. Ich genieße es, Teil unterstützender Netzwerke mit Menschen zu sein. Ich stelle Fragen. Ich melde mich freiwillig. Ich glaube gerne, dass ich die zerbrochenen Fesseln meiner Geschichte restrukturiere, indem ich mich heute engagiere. Ein Teil von Gemeinschaften zu sein, hilft mir, ein Zugehörigkeitsgefühl zu entwickeln. Ich baue um mich herum ein positives Fundament und trage Strukturen auf.
Sich heute um meine Beziehungen kümmern. Beziehungen halten mich in meinem täglichen Leben reguliert. Meine Beziehungen beinhalten unkonventionelle, wie die Pflege meiner Pflanzen, meiner Katze, Arbeitsbeziehungen und mit mir selbst. Ich habe begonnen, regelmäßig Adoptierte zu beraten, um eine bessere Beziehung zu mir selbst und zu meiner Adoptiertenwelt aufzubauen. Ich kehre dieses Weihnachten auch zu meiner Adoptivfamilie zurück, um sie zu besuchen und zu helfen, meine Beziehungen zu ihnen zu heilen. Meine Verwandten helfen mir heute, gut im Leben zu bleiben.
Ja, ich fühle immer noch, dass Echos meiner gebrochenen Bindungen mein Leben heute beeinflussen. Es schmerzt mich immer noch, vor so langer Zeit in mittelloser Armut auf den Philippinen geboren worden zu sein. Ich träume immer noch von dem älteren philippinischen amerikanischen Bruder, den ich bei dieser internationalen Adoptionserfahrung verloren habe. Ich trage immer noch die Leere, in der die Stimmen meiner biologischen Familie für immer verschwunden sind. Es gibt keine einfache Antwort, um sich von diesen Paradoxien zu erholen.
Trotz allem weiß ich, dass ich mich Tag für Tag zurechtfinde. Ich bin aus dem Nebel herausgekommen, und es war eine gute Sache.
Today was a difficult day. It was hard picking myself up after falling down. It was harder still, to do the task I had set for myself which was to finish this junk journal spread on this Sunday in Hawaii. Gravity felt like weights pulling down on me. Gradually I felt lighter with each layer of mixed media I applied onto the page. Paintings, a doily, an envelope reconstructed, a little space for handwritten poetic thought written in cursive, cut out images of yellow flowers, Victorian art and pieces of vintage book pages. I finally published it and although my work is never perfect to me, I feel a sense of exultation when my secretive mixed media gets posted, shown for the world to see. I don’t feel as lonely when that happens. I show myself in the most beautiful of ways, showing all the best parts of me. So I try to junk journal on a regular basis, at least one post a week if I can. Today was difficult but I published one spread and that helped me keep going.
What was one thing that helped you keep going today?
Please comment here or write me at starwoodletters@gmail.com
von Marie-Atina Goldet, aus Indonesien geboren und nach Frankreich adoptiert. Weitere ihrer älteren Kunstwerke finden Sie auf der Website Dans l'atelier de Matina und ihre jüngste Arbeit auf Instagram @matina_gribouille.
Als bildender Künstler und Grafiker hilft mir das Erschaffen von Dingen mit meinen Händen sehr dabei, zu verstehen, wer ich bin, und meine Geschichte zu akzeptieren. Dieses Stück wurde von Batak-Häusern inspiriert.
Hello, you may call me FaerieWarrior and I’m a Chinese artist who was adopted to America in 1997 at around thirteen months old. I was raised by a single mother and have always had a passion for drawing. I currently hold a degree in education (k-12) and art. I would love to go back to college and potentially get a master’s in art.
Above is one of my drawings which I call “Locked”. It expresses how after I was bullied in 7th/8th grade and how I always kept my feelings and emotions to myself. I tended to keep people at a distance and never really open myself up.
The bullying started halfway through 6th grade and got more intense at 7th/8th grade. The most popular guy in our class came up to me during recess and told me he had a crush on me. Me, being an intellectual and not liking this guy at all, said: “Ew, no!” So for the next two years, I was bullied about various things from my appearance, my hobbies, and my so-called ‘boyfriend’ (my childhood friend who went to a different school and no, we weren’t dating).
I should probably mention that around 85-90% of my class were white Americans. The other ethnicities in our class were: one Hispanic girl, one Filipino girl and one Chinese girl (me). Given we all went to a Catholic K-8 school, we were all raised Catholic as well.
I was mostly bullied about how “long and disgusting” my hair was (I still proudly keep my hair long) together with my love of reading. While I read, some people would throw random objects at me to see if I would notice. Markers, paper clips, eraser heads, etc were the main projectiles. One time in music class, the guy who professed his crush on me threw a broken pen that hit me in the check.
The ‘friend’ group I was a part of, mostly ignored me unless they needed help with school work (I was usually given the task of doing the experiments and explanations for science labs). Other times they would exclude me from their conversations or small group projects with the snide, “You should work with other people and try to make friends,” while they continued to work with the same exact people. Such hypocrites.
Not only that, there were two (or three, I don’t really remember) guys who would be super creepy and oddly sexual towards me. When the jerk who initiated it walked around the classroom, he would intentionally walk behind me and stroke my back as he went by. Every single time. That led me to hate being touched, especially when it’s from a stranger or unexpected. That guy even had the gall to tell me that he’d, “Make me the next teen mom” (back when that television show was a “thing”). I replied with, “You’d never get close enough to try,” while kicking him in the shin under the table.
There was only ever one incident where my ethnicity was under fire. Some random weird kid who had a love/hate relationship with me called me a racial slur (some days he’d claim he was in love with me and the next day he’d hate my guts). I was a bit confused since I had never heard that word before in my life. I went home and looked it up in the dictionary. I didn’t really particularly care because I had a sense of purpose about who I was and what I’m here to do.
Well, I’ve been rambling on for a while so if you want to know more about this time of my life, I have a story speedpaint where I draw and tell you a more in-depth about my younger years (it’s around 20 minutes long so hope you got some popcorn). You can find it Hier.
When I reached high school, I started clashing with my adoptive mom. I wasn’t performing at the level she wanted and each year from sophomore to senior year I struggled in one class. We also had many differing ideas on what my career path should be (she did not support me being a professional artist). I constantly felt like I was a disappointment and had no worth. From my resulting ruined self-esteem, destroyed confidence and years of being bullied and abused, those feelings grew into a general feeling of disappointment in my talents.
CNY 2020 Year of the Rat by Feenkrieger
Anyway, for a more light-hearted conversation, above is a drawing I made for the Chinese New Year 2020. It was a fun drawing to make. I was born in the year of the rat and I always enjoy ‘celebrating’ Chinese New Year. Every year I would get my mom to buy me Chinese food and we’d change the stuffed animal that hangs out in the kitchen (we have all the Chinese zodiac beanie babies). The girl has the Chinese symbol for “metal” on her chest because this year the element is metal. The lucky colours for rats are gold, blue, and green. So I incorporated gold in the dress and blue in the eyes of the mouse. The lucky flower for rats is the lily so I added them in as hair accessories since I always wear a flower in my hair.
I was raised with lots of books about my home country and its culture/traditions so I grew up always proud of my heritage. I really love the idea/concepts of the zodiac and I would totally nerd out with it (ie I compiled notes about personality traits, relationship dos and don’ts, etc). When I was a toddler, my mom took me to Chinese lessons in which I was too shy and antisocial to really participate in, which is something I regret now.
So with my head in the clouds and with all my past experiences, I enjoy making art and stories that hopefully will make an impact on others in the future. If you would like to see more of my work, you can follow me on DeviantArt.
As a result of my attendance at The Hague Working Group for Illicit Practices in Adoption meeting in May, I met with over 20 Central Authority representatives. One of them was the Executive Director of the Inter-Country Adoption Board (ICAB) in the Philippines. She has invited ICAV as a guest speaker to the 15th Philippine Global Consultation of Child Welfare Services in September this year. Who best to speak than Anna who is a Filipino intercountry adoptee and long serving ICAV Representative!
The work we do at ICAV is done via volunteer time and effort. Travelling around the world to share our lived experience is costly so it is hugely appreciated when others recognise the personal cost and offer to assist.
The amazing and talented Gaby Malpas (ICAV NSW Representative) has been generous by donating 3 pieces of her artwork to help Anna attend. Gabby is running an online Art Auction and the proceeds are being donated to contribute to Anna’s travel expenses. If you would like to support this, go to Gabby’s professional facebook page Gabby’s Art Auction, find the image you want to bid on, and add your bid in the comment by Wed 31 July 11:59pm AEST. The highest bidder wins and the proceeds will be donated, with Australian tax deductibility, towards Anna’s travel expenses.
I would like to personally thank Gabby for her amazing generosity in this specific instance, but also for her long serving role within ICAV as one of our NSW Representatives! Gabby gives her time to many areas in post adoption support. She continues to run her watercolour art classes for teenage Chinese adoptees in Sydney as part of her mentoring role for young adoptees and donates artwork to various adoptive parent and post adoption support organisations around the world because she is passionate about helping her fellow adoptees.
Here are the 3 pieces of artwork that Gabby is donating towards Anna’s travel costs:
All you need is love Watercolour and gouache on Arches paper. 24cm x 28cm. Unframed. RRP $600AUD. Story: For many years the standard adoption mantra has been “all you need is love”. I applaud the sentiment and I’m thankful to parents for opening their hearts when adopting a child. However, we now know that love is sometimes not enough in the case of adopted children. There can be unseen trauma and issues needing to be addressed and in the case of intercountry and transracial adoption, issues around identity, racial discrimination and loss of culture need to be taken into account. This can be confusing as the child’s life experience will be different to that of their adoptive parents – and the adopted child may be completely unprepared for a world of hurt once they leave the security and safety of their home environment and community. Postage: $18 in Australia. $35AUD everywhere else.
I will not love you long time Watercolour and gouache on Arches paper. 39cm x 28cm. Unframed. RRP $975AUD. Story: Fetishisation of Asian women is still prevalent and seemingly acceptable long after it has been deemed unacceptable for other races. I won’t/can’t complain about my own treatment as a young woman: I am no angel and I gave back more than I got, I am sure. But I painted this for those who come after me – they deserve better. Postage: $18 in Australia. $35AUD everywhere else.
Rise above it Watercolour and gouache on Arches paper. 27.5cm x 30cm. Unframed. RRP $800AUD. Story: As an Asian living in western countries, racist incidents are not uncommon. As an adoptee raised in a white family, I did not learn how to navigate this path and my experiences were dismissed as it was not a shared experience. The well-meaning advice given constantly of “rise above it” was incredibly damaging. It dismissed my experiences, silenced me and consequently I grew up with very low self esteem, much self doubt and a rage that surprises me even today. Postage: $18 in Australia. $35AUD everywhere else.
Sometimes I meet adult intercountry adoptees who have amazing talent to capture the intercountry adoption experience in a more powerful medium than words.
I’d love you to meet Jonas Haid, a South Korean adoptee raised in Germany. Here is his life journey along with the artwork he creates that says so much more than words! Together with his own personal experience and art he provides a powerful testament to the impact relinquishment and adoption has on our lives.
Thank you Jonas for being willing to share with us!
